Time to spoof my favorite show, which I truly enjoy and appreciate....but if there is ever a cause for an emergency remodel, it's at 2 Penn Plaza. This is the first of a series, because it would be too long for one blog.
Here's how I think it would go...
[Fade in to Ty Pennington and his crew on a bus in midtown Manhattan. Ty wipes froth from his lips, scratches his crazy hair as if he has an itch, but really he doesn't, and is wringing his hands. One of the models on the show, who plays a "designer" quickly pops a pill in his mouth and Pennington's eyes go from crazed to glazed to dazed. She snaps a rubber band that he wears on his wrist and suddenly Ty comes to.
"We're in New York!" he screams, lifting his arms to the ceiling.
[Director reminds Ty this is the part of the show where they have to be somber and reverent and pluck the viewer's emotional strings with a troubling video about someone who owns a house that is a wreck. Director reminds the camera crew to make sure not to catch any homeless people in any of the Manhattan B-roll]
Ty tries to control his shaking as he pushes a video tape into the VCR on the bus -- logos and colors and product placement everywhere...and you wonder why Ty is suffering from ADD, among other things (dude clearly can't keep any weight on) -- and sits with the rest of the beautiful crew (plus Paul DiMeo, the "regular joe guy in the glasses") to watch.
[Note to cameraman: Make sure to get a cleavage shot of Paige Hemmis as you scan the crew.]
Isiah Thomas appears on the screen.
"I grew up on the West Side of Chicago . . ." he begins.
"Yeah!" Ty roars. "Chi-town! Let's go! Are you with me? Bus driver, move that..."
[Director again warns Ty if he doesn't start producing tears and expressions of sadness, he'll be sent back to TLC to do more episodes of Trading Spaces. Ty immediately turns on the water works. West Side of Chicago? he thinks. Try doing all the carpentry for that wack job Hildi Santo-Tomas. Now that's oppression.]
Thomas' story is abruptly cut off and it appears someone recorded over the remainder of the video. We see no faces, but hear a narrator. Sounds eerily like Red Holzman...
"This was where I used to work," begins a low voice with a old-school New York accent, as a slideshow of history is played on the screen.
Willis Reed. The Limp from the Tunnel. Clyde. Earl the Pearl. The Comeback. DeBusschere and Dollar Bill. Jackson. Meminger. Fall-back Baby. Truck. BK. Patrick. Action Jackson. X-Man. Oak. Starks. The Dunk. LJ. Allan. Hubert. The Shot. Latrel. Camby. Jeff-Van-Gun-Dee!....
"This place maybe never kept the shine it once had back when I worked here," the voice says, "but it always had a solid foundation. And we felt we were the epicenter of a game this entire town embraced as it's own. But things haven't gone so well the last few years. We're overwhelmed by structural damage, poor craftmanship and just plain neglect. Here, let me show you what it looks like today...."
A more recent slideshow begins with images of Stephon Marbury and a towel over his head. Isiah smirking on his video deposition. Steve Francis dribbling in a complete circle before falling down with an ankle sprain. Nate Robinson shoving JR Smith. Eddy Curry being rejected by Andreas Nocioni. Tim Thomas in a staredown with Marbury. Jerome James standing along the sidelines on the first day of training camp. Jalen Rose sorting out his buyout money on a hotel bed and then rolling in it. Jeff Van Gundy walking out of the Garden, getting into his Honda and puttering under the speed limit as far away from the mushroom cloud as he can. Zach Randolph turning his back on his man to complain to a referee, then losing where the ball is until he realizes it's already on its way to the basket, out of the hands of ... yes ... his man. Marcus Camby snatching his 20th rebound for Denver. James Dolan slumped low in his courtside seat, unaffected by the spiritless play of the players he pays millions yet growling about ushers and security personnel who make a few bucks a game so they can buy their kid a Wii for Christmas this year.
[Cut to Ty and the design team, pan their saddened faces. Focus on whomever conjures a tear or makes a motion as if to wipe one away].
"The foundation isn't just crumbling, it's actually quite useless at this point, according to several credible architects in the business," the voice says with a hint of equal parts dispair and disgust. "The electricity still worked a little up until last season, but now the wires are so crossed and worn there's hardly a flicker. The heating system is totally shot mainly because the furnace has stopped working during a trip to the West Coast earlier this year. And the winter's here get very cold when there's no heat in the building....."
That part of the video suddenly is cut off as abruptly as it began and Isiah is back on the screen, grinning and shrugging.
"...The bills are just piling up. $18 million last year, $11.5 million this year and that's not counting the luxury tax we're forced to pay. A plea was made to the NBA this summer by one member of the media to relieve us of our bad contracts and let us rebuild. But the league denied our request! If the league offices were in Indiana or Detroit, they would have supported us. But we're left here, on our own, to live with this mess we created. It's just not fair. I mean, it's not my fault. The media is tough on us for bad decisions we've made, the fans boo when we play poorly and opposing teams seem to enjoy beating the snot out of us. It's just not fair!"
[Cut to Ty, bawling]
"Shut it off! Shut it off!" Ty screams.
[Director reminds Ty about his penchant for being "over the top"]
"I think we've seen enough," Ty says, wiping his eyes. "These people need our help."
[Cut to 33rd Street, where Ty stands with his trademark bullhorn (as if he needs it) ready for roll call]
Goooood morning Knickerbocker family!
Jimmy! Steve! Isiah! Glen! Herbie! Stephon! Eddy! Zach! Q! Jamal! . . .
[One by one, the characters come running out with teary expressions of relief (except for Dolan, who immediately fires a security guard for not decking the skinny guy with bed-head shouting with a bullhorn outside his building). Isiah heads straight for Ty and the two share a peck on the cheek that is reminiscent of he and Magic Johnson from the NBA Finals.]
"Show me your house," Ty then says, dripping with more sap than a cut maple.
They walk around the corner and enter the building under the Seventh Avenue marquee. Everything looks normal in the lobby, which is beautifully decorated and celebrating the great tradition of the grand hall. But then another set of doors open . . .
[Cut to commercial. Ty hawking Sears products, such as a Craftsman sledgehammer, which is good to demolish your anticipation for the season. Or a cordless drill, to put holes in every excuse you hear. Or how about a Kenmore stove, where you can burn all the money you spent on tickets.]
The show returns with a quick highlight of what took place in the opener. Ty, tears and tortured souls. Then to those doors again...which open.
[Cut to inside the arena...the Knicks are in the midst of a home game. Full house, as usual. Crowd roaring, "Dee-Fense!" without the need of canned synthesized encouragement from the PA system, as in most other NBA arenas. The team on the floor doesn't seem to comprehend the message urged by the fans. Eventually the defense breaks down, someone is left wide open and a dagger drops through the basket. Timeout is called.
Boos.
They get louder and louder. [Cue ominous music; cut to astonished expressions by Ty and the crew. Avoid designer Michael Moloney, who seems oblivious to the game and is wondering what's with all the tacky drapes hanging from the ceiling?] A chant of "Fire Isiah!" rises up around them and the crew braces itself.
"I feel like this place could come crashing down at any moment!" Ty says to a handheld camera.
To Be Continued....
Comments (11)
I would go after Josh Smith in ATL. Buy out or trade Malik Rose. Buy out Steph. Buy out Jerome James. Secure good draft position (something their good at). Trade everyone except Balkman, Lee, Jones, Crawford, Morris, Collins, Chandler, Jefferies. The rookies could be used for trading with more playing time. Oh. Fire Isiah Thomas. Admit the team is in a rebuilding phase. Acquire as many draft picks via trades as you can. Change team uniform style. Change court style. Change the Garden logo. A complete reorganization is needed. Please...
ALAN:
A little lengthy but a good one and funny (and so true).
I was hoping Q would body slam Zeke last night on TV.
As a X'mas present to all New Yorkers, tomorrow, when you see Zeke, just crouch and body slam him. Do it for your country Alan.
* I guess MARK is homeless now. He's gone AWOL in Assola's site or perhaps he was banned there too.
i'm going to try to get this chant going at the garden tomorrow:
na na na na
na na na na
isiah
goodbye
At least the final score was more respectable...
So now we know Isiah's big changes - millions and millions of salary dollars worth of "talent" sit on the bench and watch Nate dribble around and hoist shots with a hand in his face. Watching him "coach" is more and more painful each night - like a root canal that won't stop.
Not to crap on Nate - I loved his energy and hustle, and he hit some TOUGH shots. I'm crapping on Isiah, whose most effective approach is to put out the handful of players he has assembled who will actually give some effort, and hope one of the chuckers catches fire long enough. If Nate only hits at his average percentage, then Charlotte is running out off long rebounds and the Knicks lose by 20. Did anyone else notice how the team pretty much ignores him during time outs?
MAK - Mark has morphed into a truly pathetic specimen - lurking anonymously on the fringe of a blog that banned him, like a dog who gets kicked outside, but keeps hanging around with his face against the window, hoping for some scraps. Kind of ironic for a guy who used to write so much about dignity and integrity.
Alan,
You've really outdone yourself this time. Be sure not to set the standard to high. Looking forward to the next part.
Things have changed alittle regarding the Protest on the 30th. here are the details:
FIRE ISIAH! DUMP DOLAN PROTEST & WALKOUT
CLOTHING DRIVE TO BENEFIT NYC’S HOMELESS SHELTERS
SUNDAY DECEMBER 30, 2007 AT 11:00 am
IN FRONT OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
PROTEST = Stand with us outside the Garden, Be Heard.
WALKOUT = We are encouraging all fans that attend the game against the Bulls to make a statement by leaving the Garden at the end of the 3rd quarter and join us in our protest.
BENEFIT = Donate a clothing item to NYC’s homeless shelters for those less fortunate.
Due to disgrutled fan demand the protest has taken a little twist. We have decided to add James Dolan, Owner of The New York Knicks to the cause. Although Isiah is directly responsible for the debacle taken place with OUR team for the past 4 years, James Dolan is just as responsible overall. Furthermore, it’s James Dolans arrogance and and ignor-ance to do NOTHING to help this team and the changes that NEED to be made. It seems that everyone knows there is a problem besides him. The state of this team has reached a new low.
Why should we have to suffer for the doings of amateur, inexperienced, immature and uneducated ownership and management. All the while being blatantly conceited and arrogant about it!
The time has come to stand and unite. Power in numbers!
This also happens to be the day the Knicks have a home game against the Bulls which will most likely end up being another pitiful Knick lost. An ironic punctuation to an already pathetic season.
Although this protest has been initiated virally via blogs, podcasts, webcasts, various media outlets and personalities have already expressed interest and support for this protest. Their identity will come on the days prior to and the day of the protest.
Any and all Knick fans who ever complained about this organization, it’s leadership or team need to show their support towards this cause.
Don’t let the nay Sayers be right when they say, “Knick Fans aren’t passionate enough about OUR team and will never come together and voice their opinions. They don’t care that much about their team” I say “They are ALL wrong!
Driving by or waiting to see coverage via newspaper, web or television will not do. In order to make our point, attendance by all disgusted Knick fans is needed. Please support the efforts and message of this protest.
We’re not pompous or foolish to believe this protest will be the fix to end all problems with our NY Knicks. As die-hard fans that have suffered tremendous anguish watching this ownership and management dismantle and ruin this proud franchise and everything it stands for, our Knicks. The laughing stock of the NBA. WE MUST BE HEARD!
Please show your support Sunday, December 30, 2007 in front of MSG “The Worlds Most Famous Arena” with the “Most Pathetic Basketball Organization!”
I can be reached via email at joeyvworks@yahoo.com. Also respond if you are interested in receiving the daily protest email update.
Joe V.
I'm not saying this would cure all the problems for the Knicks, but starting David Lee in place of Curry would help. We're always going to start games slowly with that starting lineup, and Lee is capable of providing the energy we need to set that tone we need early in the game. Curry could benefit as well, as he won't get in early foul trouble, he'll most likely be playing against the other team's 2nd unit, (if substituted for Zach) he'll know he's the main post option, and it will be much easier for him to play at a higher intensity with the tone and tempo already being set.
The only time that starting lineup plays well in the begginning of games (and its not often) is at home because they feed of the energy of the crowd.
Ponder this....The only road win we have this season was when David Lee was in the starting lineup.
And with that.....I'm gone
Ben-Didn't David look human against the Bobcats? I wonder if he is fully recovered from his injury. Also, his time playing with the USA team may have him a little tired. I do agree we are better with him in the starting line up, however, I don't want to risk not having him healthy next year.
The Bulls got booed at home, so like the Knicks they'll be happy to be on the road. I think Skiles and Zeke should go out for drinks and do some bonding. Two stubborn guys who's teams have quit on them. I say shake it up.
They both are underachieving and need a miracle. The sad thing is Curry for Noah and Tryus Thomas would help both teams.Big Ben and Curry and Noah and Z-Bo would be what both teams need. Karma.
PETE:
I've posted the same thing about N8 here or someplace else. Disliked the guy's arrogance & immaturity the first 2 years but big heart, effort, hustle, fiestiness, and signs of maturity is winning me over. He is a keeper, an asset but perhaps not a starter. His D must improve but I really don't see opposing teams abusing him in the paint. Moreover, Muggsy Bogues was a one-man terror show on D at the backcourt. N8 can be like that too if he works on it.
Start DLee and bench Curry. The best short term solution.
BAZ:
Along with Skiles, Zeke has invited the following for a X'mas drink and secret Santa festivities at his home:
Karl Malone, Dantley, DChaney, McDyess, Scott & Frank Layden, Lenny Wilkens, Q., Sidney Green, LBird, Starbury, Mike Saunders, Anucha B. Sanders, former CBA players, MJ, Stockton, and special guest, Larry Brown.
It'll be a blast.
Wow -- Did Isiah and Q really go at it on the bench? Ah, the harmonious House of Isiah. Normally, of course, that would mean you'd read about a trade in the next week, and Q would be shipped out of town. But didn't Isiah have to wave the insurance on his contract before he came? Isn't Q effectively uninsurable? I doubt any other GM would take that risk. Then again, Q was just beginning to show signs of coming around. We could really use him IF last summer's surgery was nearly as successful as the Knicks PR department reported it was.
Ben - you dont' have to lose posts just because you get that message that it didn't go through. Instead of clicking on the link that takes you back to the blog, hit the back-arrown on your browser. That should take you to the previous page, with your post still there. Then you can figure out why it didn't work, and post again. Or at least copy it so you can post again.
The Troll -- it does appear as though Mark has been banned from Knation, as well. So now he's bringing HIS Jessica Simpson fantasies here more often as "Anonymous." Sad really. But his injuries were self-inflcted. He set out to be the biggest A-hole on the Knicks blogs. And in THAT at least, he succeeded. He deserved what he got. He was pure poison. Good riddance.
Irony of ironies. Anonymous above is me. On my computer at home, it inserts my name and address automatically. I guess it shouldn't be surprissing that my mother-in-law's computer won't do that. Anyway, I'm Anonymous above. Sorry.
How bout we trade Curry to France for Frederick Weiss? Speaking of France is Dolan there? I thoght it would be cheaper to buy drugs in New York. Dollar is kind of weak.