Bronx & Beans

The day is upon us: weighing in at 230 pounds, hailing from parts unknown (or maybe Lincoln, Nebraska), Joba Chamberlain - starter.

Joba will take the ball Tuesday at the soon-to-be-wrecking-balled Stadium. He'll be limited by a 65-70 pitch limit, which means he can't possibly do as much damage as the guy whose spot he poached, Ian Kennedy (0-3, 7.41 ERA, less than 5 IP/start). (Well, technically, Kennedy is on the DL.)

Through 20 outings, Joba has been quite good, but not as unhittable as the Godzilla-like missile chucker who captivated the baseball world in 2007. Peep the stats:

'07 missile chucker: 19 G, 2-0, 1 ER (a Mike Lowell jack), 0.38 ERA, 0.75 WHIP.
'08 pretty good dude: 20 G, 1-2, 2.28 ERA, 1.141 WHIP.

Yankees fans and the media are framing Joba-as-starter as the '08 Bombers' equivalent of Skywalker's one shot into the Death Star before it destroys the rebel base. In other words, either a) Joba dominates and helps right the Yankee ship or b) Joba doesn't get it done and the S.S. Girardi goes careening off into space. Here are the official Bronx and Beans potential outcomes:

1. Joba terrorizes American League hitters, becomes an international media sensation, dates Madonna, changes his name to J-Chizzy and fireballs the Yankees into the World Series, where he wins Game 7 in the final game at Yankee Stadium, where the whole crowd goes "Joba!!! Joba!!!" and a bald eagle lands on the flagpole and sheds a single tear.

Likelihood: Not very. First of all, bald eagles are very uncommon in urban areas (a Peregrine falcon would be much for likely). Also, one great pitcher isn't enough to carry a team to a World Series (see the 2005 Marlins and Dontrelle Willis). Check the rest of the Yanks staff: Mussina and Pettitte are a zillion years old, Ian Kennedy looks worse than Patrick J. Kennedy, Phil Hughes is hurt, Darrell Rasner is still Darrell Rasner. And no matter how well Joba pitchers, somebody has to catch fly balls in the outfield, and those two statues named Damon and Matsui aren't getting it done.

2. Joba reverts into a League-Average-Inning-Muncher to rival Danny Darwin before getting hurt and shut down for the season, the Yankees stay in the A.L. East cellar and make deadline deals out of Giambi, Abreu, Jeter, A-Rod, John Sterling, Bob Shepherd and the stadium facade, 8,000 people show up for the stadium's final game against division-leading Baltimore, and a lonely old man in Section 28 sighs aloud, "None of this would've happened if Joba was the real deal" and begins to cry.

Likelihood: Not very. Joba's gonna be fine - more likely excellent. And even if he's mediocre, the Yankees have more firepower than Dick Cheney's hunting trips. Despite the .500 start, no team with those bats can languish for too long.

3. Joba is pretty darn good and the Yankees turn out to be pretty darn good. They win more than 90 games for the 5,897,239,085,729,038,475,298,357,328,905th straight year and contend for a pennant.

Likelihood: Pretty much 99.9 percent. Joba is the real deal: he throws hard, he has mound presence, and the Yankees are taking a step-by-step approach toward getting him into the rotation. Fear not Pinstripers: your Joba has arrived.

--Whittle

Just when I thought I was out of Mustache Madness, they pull me back in.

No, it's not the Newsday.com tournament spawned by two guys (La Monica and me) with a couple of hours of office down time that led to a Mets promotion, culminating with all of Shea Stadium wearing fake mustaches in honor of Keith Hernandez...no, this is just a guy realizing the power of the mustache.

If you've been watching Yankees games recently or have read the greatest Yankees insider ever, you've probably noticed Jason Giambi's upper lip. The first baseman has been on a tear at the plate since growing the Aspiring Burgundy.

I still don't know if it's against league policy to wear the mustache and the slump-busting thong during the same at-bat.

I will say this right now though. I will buzz my hair off completely if Giambi can somehow get Derek Jeter to grow a mustache -- just for a month.

There it is. That just happened.

-- Fernandez

Over the last 33 games, the Red Sox are a blah 17-16. In that same span, the Yanks are an even blah-er 16-17. Both teams have suspect bullpens (hey Yanks fans, which is worse: subtracting Joba or retaining Hawkins?). Injury problems that have beset the Yankees all year have caught up to the Red Sox with a recent Dice K hiccup.

Odds are this trend won't continue past the All-Star break and both teams will be back in the hunt. The Yanks are only two games under .500 and the Sox are only a half game behind the juggernaut Rays.

But right now both teams are in unfamiliar territory: irrelevance. Maybe interleague play, which heats up next month, will shake things up? The Yanks were 10-8 and the Sox 12-6 against the senior circuit last year.

--Whittle

This is what makes Derek Jeter a great player and the reason I'm bad at fantasy baseball and don't play it.

If I'm building a team, I want a player like Derek Jeter.

Even though his numbers don't light up the back of a baseball card -- Who cares.

With no one out in the bottom of the fifth and Derek Jeter on third and Bobby Abreu on first, Alex Rodriguez grounds to third. Jeter, who's going on contact, knows he's going to be nailed at the plate. During the rundown, he turns to Abreu and motions him to get to third. The captain was not only able to stay in the rundown long enough to get Abreu to third, but also allowed A-Rod to reach second.

What's the big deal?

Hideki Matsui then singled a batter later to extend the lead to, 7-2. It's the stuff that doesn't make the back of the baseball card, but it's the stuff that builds championships and it's the stuff that the true fans notice.

-- Fernandez

Bronx and Beans readers: What's your favorite Derek Jeter moment?

As if Yankee fans - and Yankees ownership - haven't already had the legend of David Ortiz tattooed on their bruised subconscious enough... now the big guy is invading the franchise's most storied myth?

Apparently, the Yankees are steamed over an MLB promotion in which Ortiz, who has earned sainthood in Boston for owning Yankees pitching, will get a chance to "call" a home run shot during All Star Game festivities in July, the New York Times reports.

You get it? A loveable baseball icon gets to re-create Babe Ruth's legendary “called shot” in the 1932 World Series, INSIDE the hallowed "cathedral" of baseball, Yankee Stadium, the Bronx dump that is going through its final lap. The house, history tells us, that Ruth built?

The same Ruth whose ghost, we were also told, haunted the Red Sox for decades, blah, blah, blah....

Actually, the Ortiz-Ruth comparison is a pretty good one. Two burly fellas adored beyond baseball, who are worshipped by the kids and will be remembered for being jolly guys and swatting bombs in October.

I guess the Yanks don't see it that way, though. Apparently, team officials are taking a break from their panicked pitching staff shake-up to make inquiries about just what the heck is going on, the Times reports. Wasn't this All Star event supposed to be their chance to celebrate all things pinstriped?

Not a surprise, of course. This is the same franchise that spent $50,000 in April to dig up an Ortiz jersey that had been planted under the concrete of the new stadium, and considered filing charges against the construction worker, Gino Castignoli, who buried it.

Hey, I understand the Yankees' complaint. It sort of rubs salt in the wound created when the Sox beat them to Ortiz before the 2003 season. And I know the Yankees would prefer one of their guys to be part of this foolish promotion...

Maybe they want the bland Alex Rodriguez to be center of attention in July. God knows he never has been in October.

-- Dennehy

On a night like this, you understand why Hank Steinbrenner and the Yankee think tank decided to hold on to the young arms rather than rush out and trade for someone like Johan Santana.

Up in Boston, the Red Sox are pleased tonight that they held on to Jon Lester, the 24-year-old most often mentioned in the their own Santana talks. The lefty who can infuriate the casual baseball observer by nibbling around the strike zone had little problem against the Royals tonight, tossing a no-hitter at Fenway.

You may remember Lester as the guy who picked up the win last fall in the World Series clincher against Colorado.

Two seasons, two no-hitters by a Sox youngster. Remember, Clay Buchholz threw one against Baltimore last September.

Sometimes patience pays off. So we salute you Red Sox brass, Yankees brass, for not giving in to the Twins absurd demands.

By the way, Bronx guys, what's the latest on Philip Hughes and Ian Kennedy?

-- Dennehy

It took a good handful of rum and cokes Monday night to recover from the events of Sunday night.

First, the Celtics face a Game 7 against LeBron . . . and longtime Bostonian wakes up from his six-game funk and drops 41 on LeBron's head as the 'Tics advance to the NBA Eastern Conference semifinals. The only thing left is to root for the 'Tics to get to the NBA Finals and get smoked by Kobe.

Second, the Yanks fall apart/take a dump in the Subway Series, completing a sweep at the hands of the Mets with a magnificently woeful 11-2 drubbing. Even Schoeneweis look untouchable for the Mets. Ouch.

Is there no justice in this world anymore? Here comes that damn karma: Jon Lester just threw a no-hitter for the Red Sox. Oh great, can't wait for Boston to canonize him.

This week sorta sucks so far. I'm just saying. Why did I leave the open bar early?

I use myself as a case study of this bold claim.

This weekend, I had Sox/Brewers tickets for the game on Friday night. Alas and allack, it rained. Bummer. The game was rescheduled for 8 pm on Saturday night - double bummer, because I had to be at work on Long Island on Sunday morning. Plus, I had already bought a 3 p.m. bus ticket for Saturday. So, I said "aww shucks" and bailed on the game, right?

Getouttahere.

I toughed it out, because these are Red Sox tickets we're talking about. I stayed at a friend's house an extra day, and even bought him and his girlfriend pizza and ice cream as a little "Thanks for putting up with me." I ate my 3 p.m. bus ticket and paid $40 to buy a 12:30 a.m. bus ticket from Boston to New York. Then my wife called and told me I was crazy, and I could sense that I was headed for the doghouse, so I special ordered a bouquet of flowers to cover my butt (and because I love her - hi honey!).

Saturday's make-up game was clipping along until the Sox and Brewers started playing fusbol with the baseball. I looked up at the clock in the sixth inning - it was already nearing 11 p.m., and there was no way I was going to make it to South Station in time to catch my bus. So I peaced out at the 7th inning stretch - just as the Sox had coughed up the lead - and listened to the rest of the game on my walkman in a cab.

Let's recap - between a bus ticket, a cab ride, pizza, ice cream and flowers, I spent around 120 bucks so I could watch 6.5 innings of baseball and then take a four-hour bus ride in the dead of night. Ever sleep on a redeye Greyhound? It ain't comfortable. My spine felt like a jigsaw puzzle when my bus pulled into the Port Authority around 4:10 a.m. on Sunday. And yes, I was on time for work at 8 a.m.

But it was all worth it because the Sox retook first place from - NOT the Yankees - the Tampa Bay Rays.

I challenge Fernandez and LaMonica to come up with a more ridiculous, obsessive, fanatical story about their Yankee fandoms. Ain't gonna happen.

--Whittle

Sure, this is a Yankees-Red Sox blog, but it's just as much as New York-Boston blog.

And with the Yankees in last place in the AL East right now and last night's game rained out, I have no other recourse than to tout LeBron James - a noted Yankees fan -- for making Bostonians sweat just a little bit more about their precious Celtics.

LeBron played like LeBron on Friday night in Game 6 in Cleveland and now we have a Game 7 in Boston on Sunday at 3:30 p.m.

If we can't have these Yankees smoking the Red Sox this early in the baseball season, at least we can have a Yankees fan ransacking the hearts of Boston fans this late in the basketball season.

- La Monica

Hey, LaMonica - ill-timed slam of the Tampa Bay Rays and their beloved ballpark. Those same Rays just dumped the Yankees into the AL East cellar with a 5-2 thumping in hallowed Tropicana Field.

But now is not a time to beat on the last-place Pinestripers and their approximately $876 million payroll. No, no. Now is a time to reflect on the glory of the first place Rays, who are a full game up in the standings heading into late May. It's time to remember all-time franchise home run leader Aubrey Huff (128). Time to bask in the glow of all time saves leader Roberto Hernandez. Yeah, there's no shame in being dumped into last place by a club with this kind of tradition. (To be fair, most of the TB's offensive records are held by Carl Crawford, a legit superstar.)

Let's not lose sight of the real story here: the Yanks are in the cellar. Enjoy it, Yanks fans - you're boys have earned it.

--Whittle

With this kind of range, it's going to be sweet watching Manny Ramirez roam the great expanse that is left field in the new Yankee Stadium in 2009.

Watch this awesome catch, high-five to a fan and a double play by Manny.

I know I'm a Bronx, but so is Manny and we'll be loving his dreads in his hometown next season. Please, Big Bank Hank, sign him, if only so we don't have to watch him kill Mussina anymore.

- La Monica

Bean Whittle found it amusing and so he posted in Bronx & Beans a picture of a baby in a Red Sox shirt and a Yankees hat as a diaper.

Forget for a moment the extra funds needed for baby powder to deal with the chaffing that a hat will cause (nice parenting, by the way, whoever that was). Forget for another moment the psychological trauma the kid now has to deal with because of confusion between which team to root for (again, solid parenting).

Now think what's worse: that hat protecting your manhood or having your franchise's greatest player/icon ever desecrated by having his museum placed in that beacon of sports history Tropicana Field?

That's correct, the Ted Williams Museum and Hitters Hall of Fame is located right there in the belly of Tropicana Field, home to a Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays with a .399 career winning percentage (645-972) coming into 2008.

What the heck do the Rays know about hitting, except how to let other teams do it well? (Granted, they have a good offense this year, but what about the previous 10 seasons which yielded 70 wins just once. As Doctor friend Sophie would say, "Every bread has its cheese.")

Was there no room in Fenway to honor Teddy Ballgame with such a museum? I understand the ballpark is old and small, but Theo and Co. keep finding places to put seats, surely they could find a little nook for a Ted Williams museum of sorts instead of letting it rot away in a stadium that hasn't averaged more than 18,008 fans per game since the 2000 season.

I know Ted hated Boston fans and media for most his career and vice-versa, but still, to let it slip away to St. Petersburg and Tropicana Field is just plain sad.

- La Monica

This says it all.

Red Sox almost pull off a win with a furious rally against the Twins. Meanwhile, the Yankees finally find a way to avoid a loss.

--Whittle

Well, it was bound to happen - Papelbon blew a save. However, the Sox rebounded with a win tonight against the Motor City Kitties. And that blown save was due in large part to Lugo's hideous fielding.

Right now is a good time to look at the AL's best closers and see who has he upper hand.

Papelbon - 3 ER's in 17 innings. 10 saves. 12 hits and one walk, good for a WHIP around 0.7. Lefties batting .194. Opponents OPSing .521.

Mariano - 0 ER's in 13 innings. 8 saves. 4 hits and no walks, good for a WHIP around 0.3. Lefties batting .053. Opponents OPSing .188.

Nevermind.

--Whittle

Gone are the days when Yankees fans could sell players on Ebay after a bad start (Jeff Weaver comes to mind).

However, fans starving for attention and an infusion of cash they'll try not to claim on their taxes can sell their souls/fandom to the highest bidder.

The last plea for publicity comes from "sneakerinsider" who is selling his Yankees fan status to the Red Sox on Ebay.

His initial bid price is $49,999 but you can buy him now for $174,999. If the right bored billionaire gets wind of this (or maybe even Beans Whittle and Dennehy), this dude could make some serious bank for selling himself. Isn't prostitution, be it athletic or sexual, illegal in most states?

According to the Ebay auction, this fan's beef with the Yankees stems from a busload of kids from Connecticut being turned away from their pre-arranged tour of Yankee Stadium after they arrived 45 minutes late.

Whether you believe that story or not, here's a suggestion: Plan better for New York traffic next time. Or maybe drive in the right lane for a while, contrary to everyone else in Connecticut who live in the left lane.

- La Monica

Now this is just going too far.

A barroom scuffle in New Hampsha turned deadly when a 43-year-old Yanks fan allegedly ran over and killed a 29-year-old Sox fan.

Now, I'm all for a good baseball beef, but this is too much. Keep it wholesome, people. You just never know when you've ticked off the wrong Yankee fan.

I'm going to start parking in a different part of the lot than Fernandez and LaMonica.

--Whittle

Well, as Jon Lester continued to look sharp again as the Red Sox complete a sweep of the "pesky" Rays, down Storrow Drive those "feisty" Hawks finally crashed back to earth.

With a thud, as the Celtics restore order to the universe with a 99-65 drubbing.

And it wasn't even that close.

Now if they can just win a playoff game on the road, we might be on to something.

And, meanwhile, the Rangers, New York's only remaining playoff team, are officially bounced by the Penguins in an overtime heart-breaker.

Grim times in New York town.

If you haven't been to the Garden during the closing minutes of one of the Celtics' many blowouts this year, it looks like this.

I see you your Human Highlight Reel, and I raise you Gino.

-- Dennehy

The Yanks are three games back of Boston after Saturday's games. There are way too many games left before I can push the panic button, even though all the New York media love to ring the alarm like there's Fu-Schnickens reunion tour coming to town.

All Yankees fans can really do right now is hope for Chien-Ming Wang to pitch three times a week and the quad strengthening coach to get re-assigned.

But this Sunday at 1 p.m., perhaps Yankees fans can throw some good-luck vibes in the direction of the Atlanta Hawks. The No. 8 Hawks have pushed the top-seeded Boston Celtics to a Game 7 in the first round of the NBA Eastern Conference playoffs.

This would be a rich upset for us Bronx people. Granted, it's a completely different sport and will not help Ian Kennedy develop as a pitcher at the major-league level, but at least we'll have something to throw back as these upstart Sox fans when they taunt us with their first-place standing in the AL East.

To help get you in the spirit of rooting against a Boston team in a different sport, below is a video of the Human Highlight Reel, Dominique Wilkins. Although he did play a bit with the 'Tics, he's known forever as an Atlanta Hawk. Let's hope some of his mojo rubs off on the Hawks this afternoon! (P.S. You'll notice that dunks No. 2 and 3 came against Boston, including one against the Chief!)

- La Monica

Even when our man Bronx LaMonica asks for a favor, he can't help be a typical Yankee fan jerk. The other day, he tossed a copy of the DVD 'Greatest Sox Memories' on my desk, and asked me to write a quick review.

'Don't worry,' he said, feigning that superiority we came to expect from New Yorkers pre-2004. "It's probably only four minutes long.'

As recently as four years ago, I would have had a hard time delivering a smart answer to that. I might have muttered something lame about Carlton Fisk's home run in ‘75, or maybe filled him in on ’Morgan magic.’

Or I could have gotten truly desperate: "You Yankee fans are so arrogant," I might have whined. "But you're just lucky there weren't moving pictures back in 1912. If you could have seen Harry Hooper in action! You'd shut up quick, then, big mouth!."

These days, of course, Sox fans have plenty of nice memories worthy of the cottage industry that has become the baseball DVD market. We could bask in a 3-hour disc of our favorite Manny and Ortiz moments alone. Maybe enjoy an accompanying disc of Pedro Martinez's greatest interviews. ("Who is Karim Garcia?" edges "Wake up the Bambino!" in my book.)

Or we can just watch all 5 hours of Game 5 of the 2004 ALCS against the Yankees. (Games 4, 6 and 7 were pretty entertaining, too.)

As it were, the producers of ’Red Sox Memories: The Greatest Moments in Boston Red Sox History, which will be released May 6, went with plenty of the standard fare Sox fans know by heart. But there's something different about this one.

April is over, and you know what that means: time to panic. The conventional wisdom in baseball goes like this: the first two months of the season are for figuring out what you got; the second two months are for making improvements via trades and promotions; the final two months are when you make a run at the pennant.

So, we're a little early, but let's see just what the Yankees have got. If the lineups Girardi has been throwing out there are any indication, the Bombers have problems.

Girardi has yet to use a single lineup more than twice. Part of this is due to injuries, but it also has a lot to do with underperformance. But for the most part, the Yanks' lineup is setting up like this:

Johnny Damon - Nary a day goes by when I don't thank the Red Sox front office for letting this guy go. His numbers - .275 BA, 1 K every 5 AB's - are more reminiscent of Dwayne Hosey than the dynamic leadoff batter of 2004 and 2005.

Derek Jeter - Talking negative about "Cap'n Jeets" is like insulting someone's mother around here. Too bad. Homeboy is off to a slow start, and not enough has been made about it. No matter how many billboards you're on, a .674 OPS is a .674 OPS.

Bobby Abreu - Off to a slow start, but let's not even talk about that. The fact that Abreu won a Gold Glove in Philly is alarming enough to make you scream "David Wright!" The plays he botched out in right field last night didn't show up as errors, but they cost the Yankees the game.

Alex Rodriguez - Also off to a "meh" start, and he's hurt. A-Rod will heat up after he gets off the DL, but he's still going to get booed at Yankee Stadium until he hits a grand slam to win the World Series.

Hideki Matsui - Hey, every dog has its day. Godzilla is slugging .495 while batting a .316 clip. But the Yanks still don't have a real spot for him on the field. His fielding in left is about as effective as a stone statute of Chuck Knoblauch. He can DH, but the Yankees already have about 67 DHs on the roster and one of them, like Matsui, is lefthanded. That's a controversy waiting to happen.

Jorge Posada - Jorgie carried the Yanks last year, but now he's hurt. It's not supposed to be season-ending, but it's not what the Bombers need, either.

Jason Giambi - Not to flog a corpse, but this guy should just wear an albatross around his neck when he comes to bat. Less than 300 RBI and more than $80 million in salary since the start of the 2004 season. Oh, and he's batting .164.

Robinson Cano - Streaky, streaky, streaky. Cano will come alive at some point, but the Yanks need him now and he has responded with 7 RBI in 110 at bats. Oof.

Melky Cabrera - Here's a guy who is fulfilling his end of the deal by hitting a solid .280-something and getting on base at a .362 clip. Trouble is, he's supposed to be a character actor, not a leading man.

It all adds up to a sub-.500 record through 30 games. Fernandez and LaMonica are in for a long, hot summer.

--Whittle