Keyboard Quarterbacks

By Mark La Monica

The 16-0 New England Patriots begin their playoffs and their run toward the dream 19-0 season. While everyone is ready to give them the Lombardi Trophy -- except Don Shula and Co. -- I'll take the opposite view and say they won't do it, if for no other reason than to be different.

Here are three reasons why:

1) Brian Billick

He coached the Ravens, allowed his staff to call timeout as his team stopped Tom Brady because the defense -- and the entire world -- knew he was going to run the QB sneak on fourth-and-1, then proceeded to lose a game they had in their pocket. After the Ravens' 5-11 season ended, he was fired. None of the teams left in the playoffs has hired him since.

2) An exhausted rule book

They already used the tuck rule, had the rules for defensive backs changed and then still videotape opponents' defensive signals. How many more obscure rules and or detail-oriented referees are left for the Patriots to capitalize on in the playoffs?

3) Halle Berry

Way, way back in the infant stages of Keyboard Quarterbacks, we wrote about the Halle Berry Syndrome, which in basic terms states that the hotter the wife or girlfriend is, the worse the athlete becomes. Click that link above for an in-depth history of athletes who succumbed to HBS. Or just call Tony Romo, whose two worst games of his career came when lady friends Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson were in attendance.

So let's look at Tom Brady's history: Birdget Moynahan, with whom he has a child (whose initials are J.E.T.); Gisele Bundchen, the supermodel and widely considered to be the hottest woman on the planet.

And where is the mighty fall from the top? It hasn't happened yet. Some say that rocks the HBS to its foundation. Others say it's the exception that proves the rule. I say it's karma waiting to happen!

Read more Three Reasons

Perhaps this YouTuber has finally devised a scheme powerful enough to dethrone the mighty mighty Patriots.

Surely, Cam Cameron can't do any better. But can Brady and Belichick withstand the offensive onslaught from the "Angry German Kid?" Watch and see.

By Mark La Monica

Damn you, Matt Stover! And Cleo Lemon! And Greg Camarillo.

Stover's field goal drifted left of the goal post. Lemon completed a pass over the middle to Camarillo. Camarillo outran the Ravens' defense and scored a touchdown in overtime as the Miami Dolphins ended its run at negative perfection with a 22-16 win over Baltimore.

We're happy for the Dolphins in the sense that they didn't go defeated this season (and put the Jets back in the running for the No. 1 draft pick). We just wished it happened one week later against the Patriots.

That would have added legitimacy to my Don Shula Scenario.

The Don Shula Scenario would have read like this: Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga fires Cam Cameron, the first-year head coach who led the Dolphins to an 0-14 start, and replaces him with Don Shula for a one-game stint as coach in an effort to derail the 14-0 Patriots.

Think about it: What better way to draw a huge national audience for the game? Shula was the first and last coach to guide an NFL team through an undefeated season. The Patriots are 14-0 and can't be stopped. The 1985 Chicago Bears were 12-0 and couldn't be stopped . . . until they played the Shula-coached Dolphins.

Shula will be at the game anyway with the rest of the 1972 Dolphins, waiting to pop the champagne and celebrate as the only undefeated team in history. Why not put a headset on him and give him a play sheet?

But it's highly improbable that Cameron will get canned now that his Dolphins are on a win streak. I still think the Don Shula Scenario has value, though. But at 1-13, it's not as juicy a story.

By Mark La Monica

I've got a hunch about this Sunday's game up there in Foxboro, excuse me, Foxborough. (Winning three Super Bowls in six seasons tends to get the pinky in the air, so to speak, when it comes to spelling.)

Maybe it's the lack of sleep this past week (damn you, Mitchell Report!), maybe it's two 2-liter bottle of Coca-Cola that's down to about 0.6 ounces now, or maybe it's just my nature to go against the norm. But I've got a feeling the Jets are going to beat the Patriots this week. And I'm not talking about covering the spread. I'm talking straight up!

Should I be correct in this hunch, it will completely blow up my Don Shula Scenario that I plan to write here Monday afternoon. If the Jets win, I'll write about what it would have been. If the Jets lose, I'll write about what it will be.

Should I be correct in this hunch, I can say you heard it here first.

Should I be correct in this hunch, we'll leave the Mangini alone for the rest of the season.

Should I be incorrect in this hunch, oh well, at least I took a shot.

Should I be incorrect in this hunch, the Don Shula Scenario is alive and well.

By Mark La Monica

Last week, we strong-armed Bob Glauber into agreeing to a sitdown to talk some NFL football yesterday on camera.

You know Glauber from his work in the newspaper, his "What About Bob?" NFL blog, ESPN "First Take" and its original incarnation as ESPN "Cold Pizza.'

Well, anytime we get him in front of Newsday camera, we call it "Free Pizza." Not really sure how he feels about it. Not really sure we care. Either way, he and I had some fun talking football, including a tease in the final segment to our grand plan for next week. Have a look at the vid, then go read how he wrote about this same video in his blog.

Special thanks to Michelle and Wayne (yes, that Wayne) for opening the doors a few hours early at Chrebet's to let us film the show.

Special thanks also to Glauber for letting me pick him up at the Jets complex, drive him to Chrebet's then back to Jets land, then to lunch, treat him to lunch, drop him off at the train station then work all night editing. Anyway, here's the vid. Enjoy. And yes, I know. I need a haircut.

By Mark La Monica

It's a story that is as sad Sunday night as it was Tuesday morning, even after a few days of grieving and the arrests of four men charged with the murder of Sean Taylor.

The lit candles, the memorial videos on YouTube and elsewhere, the No. 21 towels. All are outpouring signs of emotion for the family of Sean Taylor, including his 1-year-old daughter, Jackie. Yet, nothing could be more fitting and telling than what the Redskins' defense did on the first play of the game Sunday against Buffalo.

They lined up with 10 men on defense. On any other play, the defensive coaches would eat the defense's lunch for it. Not today.

"We were going to let him ride with us one more time," said Greg Williams, the Redskins' defensive coordinator.

I wasn't there to see it and the highlights on TV don't do it justice. Reading about it, however, added so much more to this emotional story.

It evokes the same feelings as when earlier this season, USC lined up for its first extra point of the season without its placekicker, a tribute to Mario Danelo, the team's kicker last season who was found dead at the bottom of a mountain in California after the season.

These stories aren't supposed to happen in sports. Or elsewhere, for that matter. Sadly, though, they happen every day. Except, it's not every day that everyone pays attention to them.

Redskins.com has done an unbelievable job of posting content on its Web site paying tribute to the memory of No. 21. Here's a direct link to one of the those video tributes from the Redskins site.

By Mark La Monica

Even though he never put peace in the mind of receivers going over the middle, we ask now that Sean Taylor rest in peace, who died Tuesday morning after being shot at his home in Miami on Monday.

What happened to the 24-year-old Redskins free safety and father to a 1-year-old daughter named Jackie is shocking.

We expect our athletes to shine on the field, do their media bits, handle their charitable obligations and maybe make the news for a bar fight or something similarly innocuous on the large scale.

We never expect to watch or read the news that a player in the prime of his life was shot and killed within 48 hours of his team's latest game.

This is one of those stories in sports where it doesn't matter what team you are a fan of, or whether or not you think Daniel Snyder is a bad owner. This is one of those stories in sports where you just feel weird all day and hope there's a good support system in place for Taylor's daughter, robbed of her father before she even had a chance to walk, and family.

South side, walk it out. Carlos Rogers, walk it out!

By Mark La Monica

Thank you, Susanna Hoffs and the rest of The Bangles for those slightly modified lyrics from the 80s pop hit "Manic Monday."

Manic is a bit of understatement right now. More like just another insane, crazy, bonkers Monday in New York sports. Just when it seemed the right play to lament Boston's dominance over New York in the sports world, New York delayed the pain with a monster of a day.

Follow this little chain reaction:

The Yankees chose Joe Girardi over Donnie Baseball for their vacant managing job.

Donnie Baseball, somewhat perturbed for getting passed over for the top spot as if he was Fredo Corleone, left his position as Yankees bench coach.

Then, in the moments before midnight and the actual changing of the calendar day, buckets of rumors hit the Internet that Joe Torre is going to be named the next manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, replacing the soon-to-be-canned Grady Little.

Just to add to the chaos, Mattingly is rumored to join Joe Hollywood at Chavez Ravine. Yankees hitting coach Kevin Long is also possibly rumored to make the move. But that's slightly more speculative than the Torre-Mattingly thing.

And there's the ripple effect of A-Rod opting out of the last three years of his contract and hitting the free-agent market.

Oh, wait we're not done.

The Jets announced that Kellen Clemens is their new starting quarterback, replacing the ineffective Chad Pennington.

Supposedly, the Red Sox won the World Series somewhat recently. You wouldn't know it today, at least not in New York.

Crazy, crazy day.

CINCINNATI -- I'm in the hotel, a few minutes after midnight, wishing I knew then what I know now.

No, this isn't a diary entry of a tormented rock star on the road. It's the lamenting of a Jets fan on the road.

For the past few seasons, Lawyer friend Steve and I have made the pilgrimage once a year to a Jets road game. Some years they win, others they don't. That's never really been the reason for traveling. It's more about the experience of a new city (and taking a day off from work).

Back in May, we chose Week 7 in Cincinnati. It fit well with our schedules and Lawyer friend Brendan lives in nearby Lexington, Ky. This was the perfect excuse to come down for a visit and a weekend of unabashed boozing. These sorts of things happen in Kentucky, a land of bourbon and basketball. Plus, we had the added bonus of tickets to the UK-Florida game on Saturday and the chance to experience ESPN College Gameday.

All that stuff on Saturday was fun. Then, of course, Sunday just had to show up, with those 1-5 Jets against the 1-4 Bengals.

The Jets led, 23-10, in the third quarter then systematically -- and predictably -- gave away the lead and lost 38-31. Staying true to the notion of Jet fan misery, rooting for the two-point conversion to get the Jets to within seven points and mess up the spread for gamblers and office pools wasn't even an option. The spread in the Sunday edition of the Lexington Herald-Leader was 6.5. The two-point conversion only pulled the Jets within seven. When things smell, they smell bad.

A good rule of thumb: Don't plan Jets road trips several months before the season starts unless it's to a hot, happening city, or a warm-weather city in December, or Lambeau Field before November. Otherwise, you're just asking for misery.

There are few things more demoralizing than sitting in an away stadium with the away team's gear on and listening to the fans of a slightly less awful team taunt you. There are fewer things more demoralizing than walking into a bar and grille after the game with the away team's gear on and having to hear three drunk local girls in pink home team jerseys spew some kind of yang about your team and your city. There are only two semi-polite responses you can offer before things get really ugly:

1) "Here's my cell phone number. Call me in January when your team doesn't make the playoffs either."

2) "Yeah, well, you still live here!"

After that, it gets nasty. Really nasty. Point out obvious shortcomings nasty. Order them three milks nasty. I'm too old for that nowadays. Better to just leave the restaurant and let the hostess know why you've chosen to spend your money at a different establishment.

Turn on your Joe Benigno voice now.

You just know that when you planned a Jets trip for the middle of the season way in advance, you were going to regret spending a few hundred bones to watch a 1-5 team transform itself to 1-6.

Turn off your Joe Benigno voice now -- and start hoping Florida QB Tim Tebow challenges the NFL rule and tries to enter the draft after two years of school.

By Mark La Monica

And away we go with some live blogging fun from the Giants Stadium as the Jets travel all of 15 feet for a road game against the Giants.

Since the Giants have the home field, we'll even things out and blog mainly from the Jets' point of view, with some Big Blue stuff mixed in.

lPre-game: Saw TV announcer/former NFL lineman Randy Cross in the elevator. Note to self: Super Bowl rings are huge! Saw Greg Buttle in the press lounge. Wanted to ask who he was buying and selling this week, but professional decorum prevails.

1:15 p.m. - Mangini shows some guts and goes for it on fourth and a foot from the Giants' 48 yard-line line early in the first quarter.

1:15.30 - So much for guts. Pennington takes a delay of game penalty to give Ben Graham five more yards to punt. Take a chance!

1:16 - Graham pins the ball at the Giants' 8.

1:20 - If you're playing any season of Madden and you're not using the Jets as your team, immediately trade for Jets safety Kerry Rhodes and put him on your hands team. He just stripped Brandon Jacobs, ran after the bouncing ball and picked it up with one hand (all in one motion) and ran it 11 yards for a touchdown and a 7-0 lead for the Jets. It wasn't quite the Karate Kid catching a fly with chopsticks, but it was close.

1:32 - Jump up and rejoice Jets fans, Chad Pennington just the ball more than 20 yards in the air. And it was completed for 17 yards to Chris Baker.

1:34 - The quarterback sneak may be Chad's best asset, aside from his brain, on the field.

1:36 - Uh oh. This isn't good. Laveranues Coles is kneeling on the 10-yard-line in pain. It's never a good thing when your best offensive weapon is no longer an offensive weapon. Coles is walking off the field now on his own power, but appears to be favoring his left side.

1:39 - Not suprisingly, Mike Nugent missed a 42-yard field goal. This guy, yeah, not so good so far this year. But, would you rather have Doug Brien?

1:42 - I'm in the third row of the press box, which is level 9 of the stadium, above the last row of seats. It's geographically impossible to be further away from the field while still being in the stadium. Clearly, the Keyboard Quarterbacks' passer rating isn't on the NFL radar. However, we do get a great new perspective on the game by watching from waaaaaay up above instead of from the side like on television. And I'm surrounded by nine different TV screens with the live broadcast, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

By Mark La Monica

Here we go with the debut of Three Reasons, a new weekly feature here in Keyboard Quarterbacks.

The Oakland Raiders are 2-2 and in a three-way tie for first place in the four-team AFC West division. However, they are the only team in the division to have scored more points than they've allowed, a rarity in Oakland of late.

Three reasons why the Raiders can win the AFC West this season:

1) Norv Turner

Who else can take a 14-2 team from one season ago, return 20 of 22 starters and turn them into a three-loss team within four games? The San Diego Chargers head coach is that bad at head coaching! He proved it from 1994-2000 with the Redskins and cemeted his inability to head coach with Oakland from 2004-05, in the process amassing a 58-82-1 record coming into this season.

2) Jay Cutler

He's not exactly the second coming of John Elway, at least not yet. Probably not even Ron Elway or Don Elway. But he's just a second-year quarterback with Denver, so this is probably the best season for the Raiders to strike.

3) Herman Edwards

You have to love Herm's motivational abilities and his quirky, kooky, amusing mannerisms. (Hello????)

You have to not love Herm's desire/ability to make sure he always coaches his team with the philosophy that having a chance to win the game late in the fourth quarter is all you can ask for. It's an interesting theory, but sometimes you might want your team, be it the Jets, Chiefs or his next team, to have a game in hand before the start of the fourth quarter. Especially when time management is an issue.

By Mark La Monica

Is it true? Could it be even remotely possible? Is Bell Belichick, the wise, almighty, all-knowing Bill Belichick a lying, cheating scoundrel and not a brilliant football coach?

We don't know the answer yet. However, allegations surfaced Monday that the Patriots were videotaping Jets coaches to steal their defensive signals during the 38-14 season-opening drubbing at the Meadowlands.

It's quite possible that this is all just some idol scuttlebutt or a whole big misunderstanding. It's quite possible that this is all for real.

With the NFL confiscating equipment from the Patriots, at the very least, we can raise some questions. How long has this been going on? Did it happen when Mangini was on staff in New England? Did he tip someone off? Did Belichick know? Is this what makes sixth-round draft pick Tom Brady so perfect a quarterback?

Can we pull out the steroids paintbrush -- you know, the paintbrush that makes us question every player who hits at least two home runs a month -- and craft a Picasso of lies from the Patriots' three Super Bowl rings in the past six years?

That's a bit pre-emptive at the moment, but it does create some intrigue. It also makes you wonder if the Patriots have been doing this for a long time. The Green Bay Packers think so.

Again, this is very early in the reporting stages, so how this plays out is anyone's guess.

Of course, you don't need to be a defensive guru to know that Jets cornerback David Barrett will give any receiver a 9-yard cushion on third-and-8. Nor do you need to have a degree from a fancy-pants college to know that Randy Moss is taller and faster than any Jets defensive back.

But, still. With the NFL investigating this story, as first reported by Jets Confidential (nice work, Dan Leberfeld!), it makes you stop and think for a few minutes. Why would the Patriots need to do it? Clearly, Brady is one of the three elite quarterbacks and is not allowed to lose in the Meadowlands. The dude is 7-0. Is Belichick that concerned with a team whose quarterback can't throw more than 30 yards downfield (and that's provided it's a seam route).

The NFL said Monday that if these allegations are proven true, the Patriots could face fines and the loss of draft picks. Oooooooooooooooooh! Hit them where it hurts, Roger Goodell!

A fine? Uh, Robert Kraft has quite a few bucks to cover that. A loss of a draft pick or two? Aren't the Patriots the best at digging up players from a nearby lumber yard and turning them into All-Pro players?

Seriously, commish. Man up, just like when Pacman Jones was booted for a year and Michael Vick for an indeterminate amount of time. Take the win away from the Patriots. What's right is right.

Otherwise, the NFL is saying it's OK to blatantly break the rules of the sport because what's the worst that can happen, the team pays a fine or loses a draft pick? Taking performance-enhancing drugs is bad because it cheats the players, the opponents and the fans. Those who do it and get caught are suspended for a few games and placed in a league program that includes frequent testing. But overtly videotaping an opponent to get an edge, that's only a monetary punishment? Really? No, really?

Guess what? The fans will pay that fine through increased parking fees and the always-fun personal seat licenses.

• Kill Bill, Vol. III
• Kill Bill, Vol. II
• Kill Bill, Vol. I

By Mark La Monica

Let's review.

In 2006, it was Chiefs vs. Cowboys. In 2005, it was Jets vs. Redskins. In both seasons, I wasn't even close to coming close to predicting the Super Bowl teams.

There's a reason for that. I loathe chalk. Anyone with a keyboard and five minutes of free time can predict the Patriots, Colts, Saints or Bears to reach Super Bowl XLII in Arizona this February.

Anyone with a keyboard and eight minutes of free time can predict the Chargers to reach Super Bowl XLII in Arizona this February.

Here in the Keyboard Quarterbacks home office, we praise bold and brash predictions. So here we go with a bold and brash prediction for Super Bowl XLII:

Willis McGahee, Steve McNair and an always-nasty defense will carry the 12-4 Ravens to the AFC North division title and first-round bye in the playoffs. The Ravens will go into New England and beat the Patriots in the AFC Championship.

An old Brett Favre surrounded by his fountain of youth (Packers are one of the two youngest teams in the NFL) combined with Rex Grossman as quarterback of the Chicago Bears will propel the 11-5 Packers to the NFC North crown and a first-round bye in the playoffs. With home-field advantage in the NFC Championship, Favre will throw three touchdown passes and carry his team to another Super Bowl appearance.

And on that final weekend of the NFL season: Packers 23, Ravens 17.

These are bold, brash and crazy Super Bowl predictions. Will it happen? Likely not. But if it does, meet me in Arizona during Super Bowl week. I'll be the guy signing printed copies of this piece.

By Mark La Monica

Diddling around on the password-protected HBO Media site in search of any news and photos about Season 4 of "Entourage" for my Entourage blog the other day, I got flustrated with the lack of new information and clicked on the HBO Sports link.

Those who caught the reference in that last sentence and combined it with the keywords in the headline know what's next.

Herm Edwards is back on the national scene!

HBO Sports is bringing back its awesome behind-the-scenes reality series Hard Knocks (finally!), the inside look at training camp with a particular team. The first two years had the Ravens and Cowboys.

This year, HBO heads to the University of Wisconsin-River Falls to chronicle Herm Edwards. OK, the Kansas City Chiefs, too. But seriously, can anyone think of a better reason to watch than the potential for new Hermisms.

Will there be another "We're on the bus"? Or maybe some poisoned Kool-Aid? Can something come closer to topping his "Helloooo? You play to win the game!"?

You just don't know with Herm.

For five years, the New York Jets fans and media were treated to the magic and aura (and yes, some poor clock management) of Herm Edwards. This is the second year Kansas City fans can appreciate the magic and aura (and yes, some poor clock management) of Herm Edwards.

Now, the entire cable-subscribing nation can sit back every Wednesday night for a month at 10 p.m. starting August 8 and come understand the magic and aura (and yes, some poor clock management) of Herm Edwards. And then they can do it again with encore replays Thursday nights. What lucky star did we settle under to get this treatment?

This is going to be just as exciting as watching Entourage each week to see what kind of drama Johnny Drama will get into.

Oh, Herm, please don't disappoint us.

Luckily, there's little chance of that. He's Herm, and this is reality television. The nature of this so-called genre, with its sounds-better moniker of "unscripted drama," yields story lines based upon what happens.

There will be some quarterback drama unfolding since Trent Green was finally traded. And there will be plenty of on- and off-field Herm. There's a 24-person crew from NFL Films in Wisconsin to produce this show. Certainly one of them knows to keep a camera on Herm at all times.

H-E-R-M. Herm! Herm! Herm!

Some video fun (thank you, YouTube!)
You play to win the game

Larry Johnson impersonates Herm

By Mark La Monica

It's NFL Draft Week, which means more rumors floating about than four high school kids sitting in front of an online message board.

But we're hoping the Oakland Raiders use their No. 1 pick to draft quarterback JaMarcus Russell from LSU. Or even Brady Quinn from Notre Dame. Just please leave Calvin Johnson on the board at No. 2 for Detroit.

With Al Davis still in charge, there's no guarantee. This is a man who once drafted a kicker in the first round at No. 17 (Sebastian Janikowski). The pick turned out quite well, but still. A kicker in the first round? He hasn't won them any Super Bowls, has he?

Then there's the matter of five defensive backs taken with their first draft pick in the last six drafts. (The other pick was highly regarded and lowly producing offensive tackle Robert Gallery.)

We're not so interested in the drafting of Russell or a Quinn as a recommitment to excellence for Oakland, but rather what it will mean for the un-esteemed Matt Millen, GM of the Lions.

The Lions need a quarterback. Jon Kitna, Josh McCown, Dan Orlovsky. Ouch. There hasn't been anything that awful sounding since Cheddar Bob tried to rap in "8 Mile."

They need help in just about every area. Teams don't just magically fall into the No. 2 draft slot. Teams earn it. (Trades not included.)

But it's going to be very fun watch the hairs in Millen's mustache squirm as his mouth drools over the chance to draft wide receiver Calvin Johnson from Georgia Tech.

Johnson is considered one of the most talented receivers to ever come out of college. But the problem with the Lions drafting him is this list:

2002: Charlie Rogers at No. 2
2004: Roy Williams at No. 7
2005: Mike Williams at No. 10

Three wide receivers selected, all with top 10 picks, in the past five drafts. Only one of them, Roy Williams, has panned out.

It's not possible, is it? Could Millen do it again? Draft another wide receiver with a top 10 pick? Seriously? C'mon! Surely, the Detroit fans would rebel against that, right? Perhaps even the Detroit ownership would step in and remove Millen for that, right? Right?

Will Millen be forced into not taking Johnson because of previously bad experiences? Or was it those previously bad experiences that make picking Johnson necessary?

Detroit could be in worse shape with Millen in charge than their automotive industry is with imported cars dominating American purchases. Fans tried to get him canned with the Millen Man March. They brought "Fire Millen" signs to games and then got kicked out of Ford Field for bringing "Fire Millen" signs to games.

Drafting Calvin Johnson at No. 2 could be the final straw for fans in Detroit. They just may finally unionize and stage a 100-percent no-show game to start the season.

By Adam Abramson

Wait, wait, wait, let me get this straight.

The Houston Texans pass over Reggie Bush last year. They also decide that drafting the hometown quarterback and national champion isn't the best move for the franchise because David Carr is the future of the franchise.

One goes on to be a key piece in a run to the NFC Championship game and the other is the NFL offensive rookie of the year. We'll just call that "oops one" and "oops two."

While both moves are pretty mind bottling ("you know where things are so crazy it gets all your thoughts like all trapped in a bottle"), we let them slide. We said "Okay, Texans, we'll let you be Jr. NFL Franchise for a few more years."

However, when I read the team traded two second-round picks and swapped first-round positions with the Falcons for Matt Schaub, I laughed out loud. Now, I don't know how good Schaub can be. I know he has the physical tools. He was a great passer at Virginia and looked very capable in his limited time quarterbacking the Falcons. There's a ton of upside and everything points to the fact he can be a solid NFL starter.

But for the Texans to sign him for six years at $48M based on their very recent track record…come on now. This is turning into the equivalent of a GM drafting Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan, trading away John Elway and drafting either Todd Blackledge, Tony Eason or Ken O'Brien over Dan Marino all in the same year (yes, I know there's more than one sport in that analogy).

Obviously, two red flags go up:

1. What the hell were you thinking last year?
2. What the hell is David Carr thinking at this point?

If Schaub doesn't pan out, does this mean the Texans are forever destined for failure?

By Adam Abramson

I never thought I would say this, but Steve Sabol showed me the way.

The president of NFL films hosts the specials looking back at the league’s past Super Bowls and Friday’s mid-afternoon specials featured games from this century.

I saw the 2001 Ravens and 2003 Buccaneers and started remembering the Patriot and Steeler teams also earning the right to hoist the lackluster Lombardi Trophy.

When the highlights from the extremely boring Ravens-Giants Super Bowl ended, I decided I was taking the 7 points the Bears are getting from the Colts on Sunday.

It’s as if Lovie Smith also watched these Sabol-hosted specials and decided crafting a stout defense, hard-nosed running game and a quarterback who does just enough to get the job done (sans Tom Brady) because that’s pretty much the formula for winning a Super Bowl these days.

I know the tide is flowing in the Colts’ favor right now. Their defense is click and the offense woke up in the second half two weeks ago while the Bears’ defense has slowed some in the playoffs and their offense has remained dormant as it has all year (I know the Bears put up a ton on the Saints, but I probably could have provided tighter coverage than Fred Thomas in the NFC Championship game).

But tide means nothing to me. This is the Super Bowl and not the MPC Computers Bowl. A team’s true colors generally take the forefront and that’s what I expect on Sunday: High-powered offense versus stingy defense and my money’s with the defense.

So I’m taking the Bears, hoping Ricky Manning Jr. will beat up some nerds in celebration and thanking Mr. Sabol for my epiphany.

By Mark La Monica

It's Super Bowl week. It's Tuesday of Super Bowl week. It's time to let the idiocy roam the Earth for a few hours!

This is the one day of the year where there is such a thing as a stupid question. In fact, there are many of them to be asked of NFL players in Miami today.

The NFL opens the floodgates on Media Day and lets anyone with a pulse and the cognitive ability to fill out a credential request walk on the gridiron and ask questions -- some intelligent, some relevant, some unintelligent yet relevant, some just plain dumb.

In keeping with a Keyboard Quarterbacks tradition started all the way back at Super Bowl XXXIX, we're going to focus on the dumb questions.

If we were in Miami for Super Bowl Media Day -- and looking for our 15 minutes -- here are some questions we'd ask, beginning with the Chicago Bears:

To defensive lineman Tank Johnson:
"Tank, are you strapped right now?"

Follow-up to a "No" response:
"If you're not packing now, will you plan on purchasing a gun while down here in Miami?"

Follow-up to a "Yes" response:
"Um, never mind."

To middle linebacker Brian Urlacher:
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, no one gave you and 15-3 Bears any credit this season. Whatever. On to more pressing matters. If a record producer got involved and made the remix to the 'Super Bowl Shuffle,' do you honestly think you could out-rap 'Samurai' Mike Singletary?"

To kickoff/punt returner Devin Hester:
"Your alma mater, the Miami Hurriccanes, against Hurricane Ditka. Who wins?"

To quarterback Rex Grossman:
"According to your bio on the team's Web site, you majored in travel and tourism at the University of Florida. Are you friggin' kidding me? No wonder everyone thinks you're the worst quarterback in Super Bowl history. Even Trent Dilfer and Jeff Hostetler make fun of you."

To running back Thomas Jones:
"Is running the ball like making romance?"

To head coach Lovie Smith:
"You're great friends with Herm Edwards and Tony Dungy. Tell the truth: Who has the better mustache?"

To defensive back Ricky Manning Jr.:
"Any truth to the rumor that Archie Manning is trying to acquire you for the family tree in exchange for Eli?"

To defensive back Danieal Manning:
"Any truth to the rumor that Archie Manning is trying to acquire you for the family tree in exchange for Eli?

And now for the Indianapolis Colts.

To quarterback Peyton Manning:
"You can win Super Bowl XLI but then the Colts must trade you to San Diego, the franchise your brother Eli refused to play for if drafted. Deal or no deal?"

To wide receiver Marvin Harrison:
"You should win the NFL lifetime achievement award for outstanding mustache. I'm just sayin."

To defensive end Dwight Freeney:
"You can answer this one honesty, Dwight. I promise not to tell anyone. Precisely how awful was former Syracuse head coach Paul Pasqualoni when you played there?"

To safety Bob Sanders:
"Is it true that Fathead declined to make a Bob Sanders fathead for fans' walls because you're only 5-foot-8 and would only reach the ceiling in attics and dollhouses?"

To head coach Tony Dungy:
"Did you give Herm Edwards one of your complimentary tickets to the game or did you make Lovie Smith give him one?"

To placekicker Adam Vinatieri:
"We're still furious with you over the Tuck Rule game and your 389-yard field goal through an avalanche. There's no specific question here. Just wanted to explain to you our level of furor and its lack of dissipation over the past five years."

To defensive tackle Dan Klecko:
"Growing up, how many times did your dad, Joe, make you watch his scenes in the 1981 classic film 'Cannonball Run?'"

To backup quarterback Jim Sorgi:
"Do you ever fantasize that you'll have a Jon Moxon moment from 'Varsity Blues' where Peyton goes down and you go in and lead the team to glory? Or, would you rather just collect a check for getting dressed each week?"

Previous Media Day Fun
Super Bowl XL: Pittsburgh vs. Seattle
Super Bowl XXXIX: Patriots vs. Eagles

Dear Peyton Manning and Marlon Jackson,

On behalf of every Jets fan and all Americans outside of New England, thank you!

Best,
The Hatriot

P.S. Eat it, Belichick!

By Mark La Monica

Feel free to post pictures of cheese in the comments section here because this is some serious whining coming up. Maybe not as bad as LaDainian Tomlinson after the game, but close.

Fourth-and-friggin-5, down eight points with 6:25 left.

Tom Brady throws an interception, promptly fumbled away by intercepter Marlin McCree and recovered by, of course, the Patriots!

(Turn on Joe Benigno voice now.)

You just knew that when Brady threw that interception, the Patriots were going to still win the game.

(Turn off Joe Benigno voice now.)

(Turn on Tom Jackson voice now.)

Hey, McCree, it's fourth down. KNOCK IT DOWN!

(Turn off Tom Jackson voice now.)

If you needed more reason to hate on the Patriots for always managing to pull something out of their patoots to win, here it is.

Some call it "finding a way to win." I call it "pure bullschtein."

This is really just me whining about how the Patriots win every playoff game ever and I realize this. However, can someone please show me the schematic for the "throw an interception, then strip the defender" play in Belichick's playbook? I'm sure he probably has one.

By Mark La Monica

We can go to a convenience store and decide which type of soda we want to buy. We can name our own prices for airline tickets and hotel rooms. We can watch a television show on our computer.

But for the love of Pete, why can't we order the "Ed Hochuli plan" on DirecTV? Seems to me the NFL is missing out on a brilliant marketing plan.

Hochuli is the most jacked referee in pro sports. This dude is 6-1, 215 pounds. All muscle. Forget Ed Hochuli. He's Ed Hercules!

This past January, Sports Illustrated detailed Hochuli's workout regimen. You'll simultaneously feel more manly and more of a weakling reading it.

This is Hochuli's 17th season as an NFL official. He's one of the best there is, and his lengthy explanations on penalties are informative for fans in and out of the stadium. He also happens to be a lawyer. A bona fide Hercules of the brain, too.

Seriously, don't you get a little more fired up for an NFL game when Hochuli is on the call. He makes fans watching at home root for penalties.

"We always used to get together and watch the games, and then we noticed this hunky, buff referee on the field," said Jessica McCartney in a telephone interview with the Keyboard Quarterbacks. "We kept watching for any game Ed Hochuli was reffing."

McCartney, who lives in Chicago, took her Hochuli crush a step further and created whatwouldedhochulido.com. The Web site began as a place to sell Hochuli T-shirts but has now in its second season grown to include all this Hochuli.

And if you're looking for a gift for that football fan who has everything already, take a look at these little Ed Hochuli treats. T-shirts, sweatshirts, mugs and more.

"I always used to pose that question when we were deciding where to go or what to do," McCartney said. "What would Ed Hochuli do? It's is a nice little side business."

McCartney estimated she makes about $200 a month during the football season on Hochuli merchandise. And, yes, Ed knows about the site and the shirts. They exchanged e-mails when McCartney was trying to launch the site.

Other Hochuli sites exists, including edhochuli.com (just a URL that someone is trying to sell) and hochuli.net (a photo shrine to "NFL Ref No. 85")

Such is the power of Hochuli. If your team has a go-ahead touchdown called back because of a leg whip, Hochuli makes the pain easier to withstand because you know it was the right call. Plus, how can you argue with a guy who could beat up half the players on the field?

"The thing about him is he takes the time to really explain the penalty to the point where he almost sounds like he's criticizing the other team," McCartney said.

The NFL doesn't release the schedules for its referees, which is probably a smart thing. You just never know what a crazy NFL fan would do. But if there were an Ed Hochuli programming package, would it really matter if you didn't know who was playing until the game started?

Imagine having this conversation on a Sunday morning:

"Hey, grab the fellas and come over for the game today."

"OK, cool. Wait, do you get the Ed Hochuli channel?"

"No."

"Yeah, forget it dude. I'm staying at home to watch Titans-Lions."

"But the Colts are playing the Patriots at 1 p.m. and you're a Manning fan."

"Sure, but c'mon. It's Ed friggin' Hochuli!"

By Mark La Monica

Bored on a Sunday night, I brought the laptop to the couch and hoped for continued wireless access to the Internet so I could put my random thoughts from this NFL Sunday where they belong: on the Web, in this blog.

Clearly, since you're reading this, the wireless access worked. Here goes with some thoughts on Week 11.

* How is that the Colts, the worst run defense in the NFL with 159.3 yards allowed, have a good day stopping the run against Dallas (117 yards) and still lose their first game of the season? Jim Sorgi was not quarterbacking the Colts at any point, so there goes that thought. Any other ideas?

* I'm not the best writer in the world, but if I were as bad at my job as Matt Millen is at his for as long, I'd fire myself before the next paragraph.

* Even if Millen, the Lions' GM, shaved his mustache, I'm fairly certain he'd still be very bad at his job. Sometimes, it's not just about the mustache.

* I respect Eric Mangini's coaching cajones, but an onside kick to start the second half against Chicago is just not wise. Despite leading the NFL in points per game with 33.7 coming into Sunday, the Bears remarkably have no ability to score points on offense. Why give them the ball in your own territory to start the second half? Plus, isn't that one of the more obvious times to expect an onside kick?

* Reggie Wayne is a very good receiver. So is Steve Smith, Terrell Owens and Marvin Harrison. But "Ocho Cinco" is Numero Uno.

* It took 11 weeks, but I'm starting to believe in NBC's "Football Night in America" as a viable replacement for ESPN's "NFL Primetime" when it comes to Sunday night highlight shows.

* Cris Collinsworth is one reason to watch "FNIA." When NBC did the Bengals-Saints highlights, they showed a fan holding up a dollar bill with Chad Johnson's face in place of George Washington. "In Chad We Trust," Jerome Bettis said. "Shouldn't that be a peso or something?" Collinsworth said. That's funny.

* I'm not a big Jessica Simpson fan, but after a few weeks of seeing those legs of hers on that DirecTV commercial, let's raise a glass and salute corporate sponsorship of the NFL.

* No surprise: The Raiders gave up a touchdown with less than two minutes left to give up the lead. Even less of a surprise: The Raiders had a chance to win it at the end and threw an interception in the end zone.

* Raiders, Cardinals, Lions. They don't even deserve a chance to get the No. 1 pick. That's how bad they are.

* Tony Romo is the 2006 version of Willie Beamen. When do the MetRx commercials hit the airwaves?

* LaDainain Tomlinson is the best player in the NFL. If I were of the mindset to support fantasy football, I would suggest that he be the No. 1 pick in every league next season. But, alas, I'm not of the mindset to support fantasy football, so I can't suggest it. But if I were . . . .

* There are a lot more teams in the mix for the second wild card spot after this week than Jets fans would like. The Bengals and Steelers winning didn't help the cause. Of course, it's still a complete longshot that the Jets could snag that spot, but still. Too many teams to be keeping track of as Jets fans prepare for Week 12.

* Eagles fans are crying in their cheese whiz down at Pat's about Donovan McNabb's torn ACL. D-Nabb doesn't deserve that. But Eagles fans do. They're awful.

* Through 11 weeks, my crazy Super Bowl XLI prediction of Chiefs vs. Cowboys still has a chance. Impressive. Well, at least it's better than last year's lunatic proposal of Jets vs. Redskins.

By Mark La Monica

I kept quiet when the NFL legislated against group end zone parties, effectively spitting on the memory of the Fun Bunch from the 1980s Washington Redskins.

I said nothing when the NFL banned players from wearing non team-oriented bandannas and headwraps under their helmets during games.

I stewed silently each offseason the past few years when the NFL slowly and systematically eliminated personal expression by regulating against end zone celebrations after touchdowns.

No more! It's time to get loud.

According to ESPN, the NFL has fined Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson $5,000 for wearing an "Ocho Cinco" velcro patch on the back of his jersey during warmups of last Sunday's game against the Atlanta Falcons. Excuse me, but wasn't the NFL honoring "Hispanic Heritage Month?"

That's not even the point, though. And yes, the translation of Johnson's jersey number 85 was wrong ("Ocho Cinco" translated means 8, 5, not 85), but again, that's not the point, even though this will probably generate more buzz in the NFL Latino community than any commercial or public relations initiatives the league tried.

This is about the NFL being dumb. We should fine them!

Who did this amusing manuever harm? Didn't it take place before the game? Has all the hard hitting caused the NFL to lose its funny bone? Grow up!

Before we continue, check out what the NFL.com homepage looked like at 11:30 p.m. Thursday.

That's right. Ring the bell of hypocrisy!!!

"Ocho Cinco" -- what are you going to do big bad NFL, fine me for writing it? -- gets fined by the NFL for putting it on his jersey during warmups but it's good enough for the league to use it in a headline to help promote Pro Bowl voting on its Web site?

Wow, talk about your sketchy, double-crossing moves. I haven't seen one that obvious since Hans Gruber blew the roof on the Nakatomi building in "Die Hard."

Questions: Did Ocho Cinco hurt someone? Did he beat his wife while wearing the jersey? Was he doing lines of smack in the tunnel before the game? Is he on the juice?

The NFL is getting so ridiculous in its beliefs of putting out a fan-friendly product, it should be flagged 15 yards for being stupid. Fans don't care about uniform policy violations before the game. They care that their team plays well and wins games.

A football game is entertainment. It's meant for the fans, as the NFL likes to say. Yet they restrict their players from entertaining the fans.

No one player is above the league, but the league is acting like it's above itself. The NFL is a machine in America. It's not going anywhere. Kind of like Rocky in the ring in Russia against Drago. Not with all the money we pour into the NFL, from the television contracts to the advertising dollars to wings we buy at the bar on NFL Sundays. Can you reasonably believe a sponsor would pull its ad because Ocho Cinco wore that on his jersey during friggin' warmups? If that did happen, we'd hear about it and then boycott that company for being woefully inept at estimating our intelligence.

Here's another question: Did "Ocho Cinco" show up in any legal documents referring to the spread of the herpes virus? (Hello, Ron Mexico.)

It's just a matter of time before we see a story saying the shop zone on NFL.com has banned people from buying a "personalized "Ocho Cinco" jersey. (Again, hello, Ron Mexico.)

So grow up, NFL. This isn't Communism. It's fan-friendly entertainment. If we wanted to deal with chivatos, we'd just watch the Omar Suarez scenes in "Scarface."

Hey, maybe the NFL could spend its time preventing steroid use or, at the very least, helping offensive coordinators learn how to call pass plays where all routes go beyond the first-down marker on third down.

By Mark La Monica

Some things require no words to get a point across. This is one of those times . . . except for these five words: You gotta love Chad Johnson!

And maybe these words, too:

'Ocho Cinco' talks a lot and backs up most of it. More than that, the stuff he does is just plain funny. This week's comments that he'd go across the middle and smack Ray Lewis in the mouth is funny. Even Ray-Ray thought so.

Johnson, excuse me, 'Cinco,' found a way to make weekday press conferences amusing, similar to Clinton Portis dressing up in different costumes each week last season.

Some may frown on the antics of Cinco, saying that he should just shut up and play football. These people need to take a chill pill. Cinco is the needed lightheartedness in your typical stress-filled week.

By Mark La Monica

Does anyone else out there in football land think Terrell Owens will score three touchdowns this Sunday in Tennessee?

Or am I just the lone nutjob who is hoping for that?

Owens doing an end zone celebration would be a nice way to cap off a crazy week of Owens Just to recap: He's rushed to the hospital early Wednesday morning for an adverse reaction to pain killers, which then becomes an overdose of Vicodin and attempted suicide, which then becomes an Owens press conference of denial and refusals Wednesday afternoon, which then becomes Owens practicing with the Cowboys on Thursday and the police changing their initial diagnosis to "accidental overdose."

There, that just about sums it all up.

Lucky for Owens, his agent, Drew Rosenhaus hasn't been in the forefront on this one. That would be gel and pompous overload and our voice recorders and television sets could likely initiate their own product recalls.

But what are we left with now? We have a publicist, Kim Etheredge, frantically calling 911 then trying to find a way to remain a publicist and spin the story another way.

And then we have Owens, who just may come out of this latest media blitz as a sympathetic figure. Not sure if that's actually possible, but consider these two things:

1) If he has a big game against the Titans, assuming his broken right finger (and Bill Parcells) will allow him to play, can't you just see the broadcasters and columnists (and yes, the bloggers) painting the heroic picture of Owens, the man who overcame near death and such a whirlwind week of emotions to shine on his sport's big stage?

2) When he goes to Philly next week, he will score a touchdown and flap his wings at Eagles fans. Or he won't score and won't flap. Either way, Eagles fans are going to be tossing thousands of empty pill bottles onto the field. And we'll get plenty of "No one deserves that" from the media, most of which will be deserved because no Eagles fan deserves to be out in public on gameday.

For all the negative publicity surrounding Owens, just remember he never got busted for beating his fiancee, abusing his kids, getting into trouble with the law or assorted other detrimental-to-others activities typically associated with athletes and police blotters.

Did he bring on much of the negativity by himself with his antics? Yes. Does the media help keep it alive? Yes.

Most scoff at his antics. Some look at them and are refreshed by an athlete speaking their mind. Most hear the sound bytes and see the clips and make their decision immediately. Some don't let the media make their decisions for them.

Since none of us were in that room with Owens, we have absolutely no idea what really happened. Just remember that before you go bashing him based on what you hear on TV. The police have already proven that they were wrong. Is it possible everyone's been wrong about Terrell Owens?