The following is Mets ace Johan Santana’s internal monologue as he takes the mound for Friday night’s opener of the three-game subway series at Yankee Stadium. (For the purposes of this column, the Venezuelan’s thoughts are in English, addressed in the second person and knowable only to this writer.)
Some Yankees fans here tonight want to see your left arm tear off on the first pitch, Johan.
“To watch your prized left arm rip right off your shoulder and then whistle harmlessly past Melky Cabrera with your first delivery. (Joe Girardi wouldn’t lead off with lefty Johnny Damon, would he?)
“Whistle by Melky? Hmm. What sound would the flight of your arm make? Whoosh? You’d have to go with whoosh, Johan. Or swish or swoosh.
“Of course, if you were uncorking a fastball and, whoops, off came your arm, then the sound would obviously be zing. But more likely, you’d start young Melky off with a changeup, so that when your arm flew off — to the delight of jealous Yankee fans — a whooshing sound would accompany it.
“Anyway, this whole scenario is impossible, right? Which is to say, you’re probably safe from the grotesque sight and excruciation of your own arm detaching from your rotator cuff and so on, and then sort of helicoptering the full 60 feet to home plate.
“Johan Santana, you’re in your prime at age 29, and you’re the best pitcher in baseball. Those things are on the list of things that you are.
“This whole arm-detachment scenario that’s playing out in your head right now? That’s just the pressure, Johan. The pressure of the seven-year, $137.5 million contract the Mets gave you after the Yankees cut off trade talks with the Twins. Averaged out, that’s $19.6 million for this season. Over 34 starts, that’s about $576,000 for today.
“So your arm spinning lifelessly off your shoulder, still gripping the baseball, and Melky swinging at your arm, and your arm becoming a leadoff single? Ridiculous.
“Look at you, Johan. Your goatee is perfectly groomed. A battery-powered Gillette glided over the non-goatee areas of your beard this morning.
“You warmed up your arm. It will not fall off!
“So go pitch your complete-game shutout in fewer than 115 pitches.”
Max J. Dickstein is amNewYork’s sports editor.
E-mail him at mdickstein [at] am-ny [dot] com.
— Max Dickstein
Comments (1)
I would pay a good deal of money to see Johan shut out the Yanks. Giambi should have a real easy time with him.