Being overweight forces me to live within two worlds. My world, the one where I am perfect and happy with myself and the outside world, where people see me as a fat person. I'm not sure if this is some defect in myself and welcome comments if it is, but I always have the feeling like I'm being judged or criticized for being overweight.

On fridays, when we get free bagels in the newsroom, I feel guilty as I take one, like somehow my colleagues are saying, "Oh, she needs all those carbs." No one actually says that to me, but I hear them think it. Does a thin person, choosing to eat a bagel hear her colleague's voice say "eat two, you're so skinny, you need to bulk up"?

What about my own voice? My BMI is over 40 and I know all the facts about obesity and health. I suffer from arthritis in my knees and have been told I'm borderline diabetic. I've read all the latest articles on diet and exercise.
So why not join the millions of warriors fighting the battle of the bulge. After all, I've fought the good fight. And won. Many times. That's what my voice tells me. How many times do I have to fight to lose the same 100 pounds, only to gain it all back again? What's better? To be thin once every 4 years or permanently fat. And why can't I eat that bagel? Plenty of my thinner colleagues eat them. What makes me different?

Does that mean my two worlds are guilt and defiance? Neither one has anything to do with being pefect or happy. In fact, they are the opposite. They keep me unhappy or from acheiving my goals. I would guess my next step is to decide what my goals are and map out a plan of action. Living that action is what would give me a free pass to live in one world instead of two. But then, it's been so long since I've reasoned this step I'm not sure. Suggestions are welcomed.

--Connie Mango