Entourage: Let's Blog It Out

By Mark La Monica

They're never good. Never easy. Never simple.

Oh sure, we map out in our heads just how we'll play it when the time comes, but breakups are always awful to deal with. They never end well, which of course, is usually why they're ending in the first place.

Doesn't matter how justified in the decision we feel, there's still discomfort and awkwardness. Whether you're ending a relationship or a friendship or even leaving one job for another, it can be painful. Too many memories, and they always pop up later on at the worst times.

Watching Vince debate whether or not to fire Ari Gold, the only agent he's ever had, was unpleasant. Kind of like when you're making a mental list of pros and cons about your significant other and then discussing them with your friends when trying to decide if you should dump them. (Don't even act like you haven't done that at least once in your life.) It's not fun to do, but it has to get done.

True to form, Vince's friends played both sides. Drama favored Ari, not because of his status as a client, and gave a passionate speech for maintaining the status quo. Turtle had the complete opposite point of view. Real life at its finest, which is one of the biggest compliments we can give to the show's writers. (For the record, this was the best written episode of the season, perhaps all three.)

When E stepped in at the end of the season finale and actually said, "You're fired," the verbal groin kick delivered to Ari resonated with every one of us Entouragers. We've all been there at least once, be it the dumper or the dumpee. Neither is enjoyable.

No matter how slimy Ari is, he's a very lovable character. You root for the guy to win, and deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want him to win by doing something shady.

That's why we laughed when Ari pretended to be E and canceled their meeting with another agent. That's also why it hurt so much to watch Ari and Vince break up for the second straight season. Ari lost and we've got at least four more months until we find out what happens to him next. (The remaining eight episodes of "Season Three" won't air until January at the earliest.)

"Entourage" without Ari Gold is like a commuter without E-ZPass. It makes no sense and everyone involved suffers. So, we're comforted by the fact that during this post-breakup phase, there's still a chance for reconciliation. Hug it out and make up!

By Mark La Monica

He introduced the world to "Victory!" and the world has never been the same.

Now, Johnny Drama gives us something unspellable, something illiterate, something with an indeterminable number of syllables. But it is just as outstanding as his "Viking Quest" chant. Drama's personal rallying cry before auditions and actual acting should resonate with all fans of this show.

With this new chant meant to psych himself up before a big moment, Drama has solidified himself as the fourth noun, fifth concept overall, to be considered "inherently funny." (The others, by the way, are chimps, midgets, farting and people falling down. Hey, some of these things may not be nice to laugh at, but they are just plain funny. Next time you see someone you don't know trip over a curb or fall down in the office, I challenge you not to laugh.)

The next time you have a big meeting or a big conference call or big whatever, a Drama scream like we saw in this past episode is in order. It could be the difference between closing the deal and updating your resume.

It's the 2006 answer to Bud Fox in "Wall Street" -- looking in the mirror before his meeting with Gordon Gekko and saying, "Well, life all comes down to a few moments. This is one of them."

Although the Bud Fox line is an enjoyable movie reference to work into your daily routine, it won't cause innocent bystanders to look at you weird. And really, what's the point in psyching yourself up if innocent bystanders won't look at you weird?

I have a meeting a 2 p.m. on Monday and at 1:59 p.m., I absolutely will look in a mirror and scream indecipherable syllable(s) to get ready. And when people stare at me, I will say, "Hey, it's a Drama Club thing. Go read my blog."

COMING TUESDAY: The final tally of readers' entries for "The List."
COMING THURSDAY: What will happen to Ari Gold?

By Mark La Monica

I first was introduced to "The List" several years ago in the pool at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. My first reaction was "This is stupid." Clearly, that was the rum talking because this is a great game to play with significant others.

Great . . . until the significant other actually accomplishes the mission and then tells you about it. Now, you may be thinking "Why the hell would I tell the person I'm with about this?" Well, what's the point of making a list of celebrities it's OK to sleep with when you're in a serious relationship if you can't talk about it when it happens?

It's all fun and games until someone loses his or her Celebrity List cherry. Then it's just plain painful. Imagine being the dude who comes home and hears "Honey, I just slept with Vincent Chase right here in the same bed you and I sleep in every night, but it's cool because he was on my list" from the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. Gee, that's about as precious and heartwarming as slamming your package in the glove compartment.

Watching the scene when the girl tells Vince she's getting married is equal parts id-satisfying fantastic and soul-damaging brutal. "The List" is so far-fetched in reality that when you see or hear someone accomplish it, you have to admire it. But the word "married" and its various grammatical cousins should still be something of nourishment for our moral fabric. If you watch closely, Vince's expression includes a bit of disappointment and shock when hearing the news of the girl's pending nuptials.

That being said, let's have a little fun. We'll assume Turtle and Drama could hold a steady girlfriend in order to activate "The List" and hypothesize for the entire crew. (Top five listed alphabetically).

Vince*
Halle Berry
Jennie Finch
Angelina Jolie
Maria Sharapova
Charlize Theron
* It's about as fair as a baseball hit behind the plate for this guy to have a list, but fun is fun. And I'm all for equal rights.

Drama
Diane Lane
Julia Roberts
Mia Sara
Brooke Shields
Sloan (E's girlfriend)

E
Mischa Barton
Paris Hilton
Susan Lum (think waaaaay back!)
Suchin Pak
Tori (Sloan's friend)

Turtle
Drew Barrymore
Jenna Jameson
Lil Kim
Jessica Simpson
Sloan (E's girlfriend)

Geography plays a key role in the game. In the 2005 U.S. census, 99.2 percent of Americans reported still holding on to unchecked lists. That successful 0.8 percent all live in or around Hollywood.

In the interests of fairness and full disclosure, I shall reveal my top five because I want you all to use the comments on this blog to submit your list. We will compile those results and produce the official "Entourage, the blog List," so feel free to forward this around to your friends. All genders are invited to participate.

Jessica Alba
Lindsay Lohan
Jennifer Lopez
Madonna
Michelle Rodriguez

Your turn!

By Mark La Monica

If you didn't see the shafting of Turtle's record deal with Saigon coming, then maybe you should take a few days off from work and go see Dr. Melfi.

Two reasons it could never work out: 1) Two big-time players in the show would detract from the show; 2) The record industry, especially the rap side of it, is extremely shady.

However, it was quite amusing to see Drama being dangled off the balcony by Saigon's new/old manager. And the fact that this manager knew Drama was in "Viking Quest" was an eloquent touch by the writers.

If you're wondering "Where have I seen that before?" the answer is simple:In 1990, Vanilla Ice claimed that Death Row Records entrepreneur Suge Knight dangled him off a 15th-story balcony of a hotel demanding royalties from "Ice, Ice Baby."

Come to think of it, Drama and Vanilla Ice have a lot in common. Both were one-hit wonders with "Viking Quest" and "Ice, Ice Baby." (Although, some could successfully argue that Ice's song "Stop That Train" was good.) Both are now washed up and desperate for work.

Could this possibly be the stage-setting for an episode in which Drama gets a call to be on "The Surreal Life" or some other reality show for old-school celebs? That would be so beyond hilarious that it's not even funny.

COMING TUESDAY: "The Celebrity List"

By Mark La Monica

"Entourage" plus Las Vegas requires more than just one day of blog material. So, here we go with my famous "Random Thoughts" blog:

* Althought it was nice to see Seth Green virtually reprise his role as a jerk from "Can't Hardly Wait," if I ever come across him in real life, there's going to be a misunderstanding. I can't allow such disrespectful things toward my Sloan to go unchecked.

* I'm wondering if skateboarder Chad Muska had advance knowledge of this past episode. In case you didn't hear, Kevin Connolly (real-life E) clocked Muska in Hyde, a Hollywood hotspot, after Muska, the guest DJ that night, made a disparaging remark about real-life girlfriend Nicky Hilton. Interesting sidenote No. 1: Connolly has some boxing background in his family. Interesting sidenote No. 2: Connolly made his movie debut as Chickie, the bully who beat up little Stallone in "Rocky V." Don't mess with Connolly. The fella can throw hands.

* Gotta love Ari Gold cursing at everyone in sight at the blackjack table. I feel your pain, Ari. I've been there.

* As a former DJ and lifelong appreciator the blending of music and movies/television, I thoroughly enjoyed the use of "Luchini" by Camp Lo when they boys hit the casino floor.

* The $5 bet on red at the roulette table to start the weekend is a nice tradition. I may have to include that in my repertoire, somewhere in between the playing of "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones immediately upon landing and "That's Life" by Frank Sinatra en route to the airport.

* I hope Knicks coach/president/general manager Isiah Thomas makes more crazy trades soon. I want to see how many ill-advised trades can be reflected in Knicks jerseys worn by Turtle. (Steve Francis made the cut this episode.)

* This was the first time "Entourage" went on location outside of the Southern California area. This gives hope to my homecoming episode idea for Season 4.

By Mark La Monica

Maybe it's just me and my disturbing devotion to the sport of blackjack, but once I saw Vince Chase get dealt that second 8, I sat up on my couch and began screaming "Split em!"

Force of habit, perhaps.

I hoped the next card out would be an 8. "Split once, split twice," I said aloud, as if I were at the table myself with a stack of chips. Boom, there's the third 8.

Full disclosure time: Last week, I was flying home from a vacation where I gambled in two states, geographically speaking, that is. On the flight home, I tried to imagine the actual number of hands of blackjack I've played since my first trip to Las Vegas in 1999. According to my math, it's at least 250,000 hands.

I've been faced with the three 8s scenario before. It's exhilarating. And it always happen once you ramp up your bet. Just ask the Venetian. Back in 2001, I went to four 8s, doubled three of them and won all four hands. Of course, it was only a $25 bet (hey, that's big money for me), but that turned into $175 in the span of about 11 seconds.

Typically, you'll get one, maybe two chances to double. Vince gets one chance and the dealer gave it to him hard. A sweet looking 3 to go along with his 8-3 combo. That's a straight groin kick right there. Trust me, it hurts. That's why, when playing these dream hands, you have to ask the dealer to keep that double card down so you can't watch the actualy foot being delivered to your sensitive area.

When the dude sitting third base (Paul from "Cheers" by the way) split his kings against the dealer's six, I heard myself, Lawyer friend Steve, Carpet King Billy Drama, Party promoter friend Jann, Film friend Sirr and the rest of my Blackjack Maniacs -- all in different parts of the country on this night -- stand up and scream "Are you a freakin' idiot? Do not split those kings or I will beat the crapola out of you and your family." Give or take a word.

As Carpet King Billy Drama preaches, "You only split kings against a six when you're drunk as a skunk and you moon the dealer when you do it."

Truer words may never have been passed down from one generation to another.

It turns out the move helped Vince and Ari because the guy on third base pulled two 10s. The dealer flipped a 5, then drew a 3 and a 10 for a 24 and busted. Vince just won $300,000 on that one hand. God bless the sport of blackjack.

The blackjack table can ruin lives. Strangely enough, though, it breathes life into life at the same time.

By Mark La Monica

Forget all this talk about low pressure fronts meeting with high pressure fronts and the inconvenient truth behind the melting of glaciers.

The real source behind this summer heat wave that suffocated Los Angeles and San Diego last weekend and is in the process of paralyzing the Northeast today is the energy sent into the atmosphere by Johnny Drama's classic meltdown in Episode 8.

One scene after another, something went wrong for Drama. And we laughed each time. Drama is coming dangerously close to being the fourth noun considered from the rarefied status of "Inherently funny."

Those positively charged Dramalecules from the parking ticket meltdown combined with those from the Starbucks meltdown to form a serious heat wave of hilarity this week. And lucky for Drama he was kicking indoors, where the weather couldn't adversely affect the Ed Burns pilot script he sent through the uprights after showing up late for an audition.

Lawyer friend Steve called it perfectly Monday night when he said, "All I gotta say is Johnny Drama is Falling Down."

Of course, I had yet to see the episode when he said that to me, so I did the noblest thing possible: I hung up on him. But he's right. Drama pulled a Michael Douglas in the movie "Falling Down." If you haven't seen that movie yet, stop reading, go to Netflix and move it to the top of your queue now!

Drama doesn't resort to violence and destruction during his mental breakdown the way Douglas did in the movie, but that's why "Entourage" is a cable sitcom and "Falling Down" is a dramatic movie that just so happens to be hilarious, too.

We've all had "one of those days" and "one of those weeks" and "one of those years." The daylong versions are so much more painful. Everything goes wrong twice. Then we hit the breaking point, erupt like mad men and women and eventually the natural order restores itself.

Drama goes crazy trying to get this pilot. He predictably falls all over himself en route to the audition. He shows up late and never meets Burns. Then he gets a phone call from Burns telling him he got the part. Natural order restored.

In Season Two, Drama took a golf club to Point Break's hood. He still landed the role he had just auditioned for and was excited a few episodes later when he found out that little anger meltdown wound up on "Celebrity Justice." Natural order restored.

Just another case of Drama being Drama.

By Mark La Monica

Stranded in the living room, Eric was the Everyman. Caught between what he already has, the sickeningly beautiful and loving girlfriend that is Sloan, and what he desires "just because," the nearly-as-ridiculously attractive other girl that is Tori.

It's the classic struggle many men (and women) have dealt with. Often times, we chase what we don't have only because we don't have it and that "it" is something different. Different doesn't mean better, but the male mind is a very strange place to be, let alone try to live with every day.

Nice guy Eric got caught up in a lust triangle with his girlfriend and her best friend after their little experiment in last week's episode. Always portrayed as the smart, emotional one of the group, E's brain went to mush. That put Vince in the role of advice-giver and situation-resolver, a side we rarely see from him. Usually, it's the other way around. But if there's one person on this show who understands sex and women, it's Vince.

E was all whacked out because emotion is involved. Sloan is his girl. Threesomes with emotion rarely produce happiness for everyone . . . the day after. The human brain is not built to deal with all the questions being asked it by yourself. (Did she like it? Am I selfish for enjoying it? What do I say to her when she asks? Am I with the right girl? etc.)

It's a vicious cycle of emotion, guilt, inner questioning and bewilderment.

We've al dealt with these types of situations in our relatonships. Maybe not standing in our boxers in our girlfriend's apartment trying to figure out if we can sleep with her best friend before she leaves for the airport, but in other ways.

You meet someone one night and she's cool, then you go home to your girlfriend. After she falls asleep, you're sitting on the couch watching television and wondering what the other girl is doing right now.

The strange thing is that the girl you're already with is fantastic and is everything you could ever ask for in a woman. Except for one thing: she's already yours.

Credit Tori for being the smart one here and walking away. This just further supports the theory that threesomes are safest when a financial transation occurs first. Well, maybe not from a health standpoint.

By Mark La Monica

As if we didn't already want to spend the rest of our lives with the real-life Sloan (Emmanuelle Chriqui)!

She returned to the show for the first time this season (minus her half-second, non-speaking cameo in the season premiere), and she made her presence felt.

Seeing how this is a "family Web site," and I enjoy receiving paychecks for writing this blog, I can't fully delve into the ramifications of Sloan's performance in Episode Six. But I can tip my cap to her mindset and say that I support Turtle's assessment of the situation when the guys returned to the house after hanging out at night in the first part of the show.

The ultimate male fantasy aside, Sloan's return gave E an episode that was predominantly about him while weaving in the rest of the cast. Turtle had his episode last week when Saigon blew up on radio and Drama is likely to have one soon. (It could happen next week, but I won't know until then because I refuse to watch the coming attractions so as to not ruin the surprise for next week.)

It also gave us another reason to drool Sunday night. Apparantly, the heat wave here in New York simply wasn't strong enough to drain us of all our excess fluids. Sloan is just plain ridiculous. As I wrote two days after meeting her (I needed that long to fully regain all my faculties):

There's TV hot, Internet hot and movie hot. Then there's Emmanuelle Chriqui hot.

Add:

Prince, in 1994, asked the question in the first lyric: "Could u be the most beautiful girl in the world?" Clearly, Prince hadn't met Chriqui yet. If he had, he'd know that there's no need to ever ask that question.

These still hold true.

By Mark La Monica

Encased by the snide facial expressions, the se