Entourage: Let's Blog It Out

By Mark La Monica

We here at Entourage, the blog, wish to extend our congratulations to Ari Gold and Turtle for winning the Big Knish Award, given at the end of each season to the character with the most memorable and printable quotes.

It was a heated contest each season and Turtle came on strong late to earn a share of the title.

Congratulations again to both Ari and Turtle for giving us so much good material to use in the office on Monday.

Final Season Three Standings
* Ari Gold 3.5
* Turtle 3.5
E 2
Drama 2
Turtle's mom 1

Big Knish History
Season 3 -- Ari Gold, Turtle
Season 2 -- Johnny Drama
Season 1 -- Blog didn't exist

Best Printable Line rules
Just to refresh your memory, the weekly honor of Best Printable Line comes with the caveat of the quote being able to be reprinted for people of all ages. If not for this rule, Ari Gold would win every week. If not for this rule, I'd have been fired for dropping too many curses and lewd material in this blog.

By Mark La Monica

They're never good. Never easy. Never simple.

Oh sure, we map out in our heads just how we'll play it when the time comes, but breakups are always awful to deal with. They never end well, which of course, is usually why they're ending in the first place.

Doesn't matter how justified in the decision we feel, there's still discomfort and awkwardness. Whether you're ending a relationship or a friendship or even leaving one job for another, it can be painful. Too many memories, and they always pop up later on at the worst times.

Watching Vince debate whether or not to fire Ari Gold, the only agent he's ever had, was unpleasant. Kind of like when you're making a mental list of pros and cons about your significant other and then discussing them with your friends when trying to decide if you should dump them. (Don't even act like you haven't done that at least once in your life.) It's not fun to do, but it has to get done.

True to form, Vince's friends played both sides. Drama favored Ari, not because of his status as a client, and gave a passionate speech for maintaining the status quo. Turtle had the complete opposite point of view. Real life at its finest, which is one of the biggest compliments we can give to the show's writers. (For the record, this was the best written episode of the season, perhaps all three.)

When E stepped in at the end of the season finale and actually said, "You're fired," the verbal groin kick delivered to Ari resonated with every one of us Entouragers. We've all been there at least once, be it the dumper or the dumpee. Neither is enjoyable.

No matter how slimy Ari is, he's a very lovable character. You root for the guy to win, and deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want him to win by doing something shady.

That's why we laughed when Ari pretended to be E and canceled their meeting with another agent. That's also why it hurt so much to watch Ari and Vince break up for the second straight season. Ari lost and we've got at least four more months until we find out what happens to him next. (The remaining eight episodes of "Season Three" won't air until January at the earliest.)

"Entourage" without Ari Gold is like a commuter without E-ZPass. It makes no sense and everyone involved suffers. So, we're comforted by the fact that during this post-breakup phase, there's still a chance for reconciliation. Hug it out and make up!

By Mark La Monica

Just my luck. Work kept me away from the original 10 p.m. airing of the season finale of "Entourage" and now I have to spend the first hours of Monday morning sifting through the best written episode of the season for "Best Printable Line."

Great lines were flying in all directions in the season finale. Turtle had a few. Ari had a few. Even Lloyd and E came through with quotable material.

But, after careful analysis, Week 12's BPL goes to Drama.

He locked it up early in the episode when he was trying to explain to Vince and the guys that they should meet with other agents before firing Ari.

"Nobody appreciates their girlfriend til they get herpes from the next broad, know what I'm saying?" Drama said.

Just a brilliant line and delivered in classic Drama fashion. I immediately lost it when I first heard that line. Of course, I also immediately knew we'd have a tie for Big Knish Award, given to the season-long winner of Best Printable Line.

I tried to find a Turtle or Ari that could top Drama's just to avoid that awkward "Bud Selig I guess we have a tie" shoulder shrug. Turtle came close with his printable "I'll give them 10 for amenities . . . " but that would have been forcing the issue only to avoid a tie.

That's just not ethical. That would be like an 3-12 NFL team intentionally tanking the last game of the season just to ensure the No. 1 pick in the draft.

So, we're left with a tie as Turtle and Ari split the Big Knish Award. We'll have a ceremonial blog posting on Tuesday celebrating their co-victory.

Best Printable Line Standings
* Ari Gold 3.5
* Turtle 3.5
E 2
Drama 2
Turtle's mom 1

* co-champions

By Mark La Monica

12:36 a.m. and I'm still furious!

Tonight was brutal with a capital BRUTAL.

New-to-the-land-but-quick-with-the-wit friend Dooley tried going through an intermediary in an attempt to ruin my world by telling me what happened in the season finale.

Intermediary friend Eileen was wise enough to ask me first if such a thing would be considered safe for the health of these people involved with the subversive tactic.

My response was: " i will stab her in the eye if she opens her mouth. i got it on DVR."

With that fire successfully put out, in came the comments from readers. I love my readers dearly, and I love the success of this blog this season, but the little "Hey, dude, you got an email" indicator on my computer was a form torture not even Rumsfeld knows about. It hurt to see so many comments come flying in within 30 minutes after the season's end.

Bam! Boom! Bing! Pow!

It was like being in the ring with Rocky in the 15th round. Just crazy left-right combinations to which there is no defense.

Chi-town friend Autonacci even tried to IM some stuff, but I had to instruct him about the health risks that accompany such acts of aggression.

I'm not sure if I did all my Emmy work for the site to the fullest, but I know I can't sit here anymore and wonder what happened. Time to leave and pray that James Dolan's Cablevision DVR worked properly.

By Mark La Monica

It's 10:32 p.m. and I'm furious!

Not because of what happened on the season finale of my favorite television show, but because I don't know what happened on the season finale of my favorite television show.

See, it's Emmy night and the way it works here is I have to work Sunday night to deal with those awards. Sure, it's fun, but not on season finale night.

Two points of comfort:

1) At least Jeremy Piven won an Emmy. (But will he win the more-coveted Big Knish?)

2) Boss friend Lil Jon, the one who makes the schedule, sent me a text message earlier today that his cable box is messed up so he can't watch the show until HBO West airs it at 1 a.m.

You reap what you sow, pal!

By Mark La Monica

Season Three comes to a close this Sunday, which is quite a sad moment. It means the summer is just about over and we have no idea if any of the new primetime shows will be any good.

Hopefully, some of you were smart enough to keep at least a few of the 12 episodes saved on your TiVos and DVRs.

Some thoughts as we await the finale of "Entourage":

- Firing Ari seems to be an end-of-season tradition on the show.

- He may get canned, but we know he won't be off the show. He's too vital to the on-screen dynamic and to the overall success of the show.

- Turtle or Ari? Who will take home the Big Knish as winner of the "Best Printable Line" season title? This is nail-biting.

- Will Reggie and Jay return E's Maserati to the dealership before the lease expires at the end of August?

- If there are eight more episodes set to air some time early next season, will they package that as Season 4? Season 3 1/2? This could affect DVD complete season purchases later in life.

- If Sloan and E are really dating, they never seem to spend much time together.

- Vince loses more jobs than a secretary in a temp agency, so I'm guessing somehow the Ramones project will work out nicely for him.

- I still want to be able to buy tickets to Queens Boulevard, the black & white version.

By Mark La Monica

As we've learned in life -- and Episode 10 of Season Three -- couples keep lists of celebrities they are allowed to sleep with while in a monogamous relationship and it's not considered cheating.

Last week, we here at "Entourage, the blog" asked readers to submit their version of "The List."

The response was overwhelming. Thanks to all who participated, even the ones who didn't take it seriously. At least you made the bean counters laugh, and that counts for something.

A quick analysis of the data shows readers have a wide range of tastes. The 165 votes cast for females included 95 different women. Of the 30 votes cast for males, 18 different men were represented. (And when you eliminate the 10 joke votes for men, there were still 16 different people represented on the ballots.)

The most lusted-after woman among readers is Scarlett Johansson. There are two obvious reasons for this: 1) "Entourage" fans support those who do cameos on the show; 2) She's insanely beautiful.

The most desirable male* is no surprise either: George Clooney. Two reasons for Clooney's selection: 1) He's Danny Ocean; 2) He's a handsome man.

(* "Mark Lamonica" received five votes, all of which were submitted by the same person at the same time. The judges were greatly amused at that reader's wit. They also decided that since the name was not spelled accurately as "Mark La Monica", they must have been referring to "Mark Lamonica," and that my dear readers, would be pro wrestler Bubba Ray Dudley. "Charlie Zimmerman" also received five votes at once, but we don't know who that is. Is it this guy? Or maybe this guy?)

Click on the link below for the entire list as voted on by our readers.

Continue reading "Readers results: The List" »

By Mark La Monica

He introduced the world to "Victory!" and the world has never been the same.

Now, Johnny Drama gives us something unspellable, something illiterate, something with an indeterminable number of syllables. But it is just as outstanding as his "Viking Quest" chant. Drama's personal rallying cry before auditions and actual acting should resonate with all fans of this show.

With this new chant meant to psych himself up before a big moment, Drama has solidified himself as the fourth noun, fifth concept overall, to be considered "inherently funny." (The others, by the way, are chimps, midgets, farting and people falling down. Hey, some of these things may not be nice to laugh at, but they are just plain funny. Next time you see someone you don't know trip over a curb or fall down in the office, I challenge you not to laugh.)

The next time you have a big meeting or a big conference call or big whatever, a Drama scream like we saw in this past episode is in order. It could be the difference between closing the deal and updating your resume.

It's the 2006 answer to Bud Fox in "Wall Street" -- looking in the mirror before his meeting with Gordon Gekko and saying, "Well, life all comes down to a few moments. This is one of them."

Although the Bud Fox line is an enjoyable movie reference to work into your daily routine, it won't cause innocent bystanders to look at you weird. And really, what's the point in psyching yourself up if innocent bystanders won't look at you weird?

I have a meeting a 2 p.m. on Monday and at 1:59 p.m., I absolutely will look in a mirror and scream indecipherable syllable(s) to get ready. And when people stare at me, I will say, "Hey, it's a Drama Club thing. Go read my blog."

COMING TUESDAY: The final tally of readers' entries for "The List."
COMING THURSDAY: What will happen to Ari Gold?

By Mark La Monica

If "Entourage" were only five minutes long, Ari Gold would have locked up the Big Knish Award for winning the Season Three "Best Printable Line" title. The clincher would have been the Liberace mugging line about Martin Landau's car.

But alas, this show only seems like five minutes long. Turtle came in with a gem to steal this week's honor and force a first-place tie with Ari.

Vince guided Turtle down some sketchy looking back alley in Los Angeles and then handed him a thick envelope full of cash. Vince refused to explain why they were there, but just told Turtle to ask for "Jimmy."

Turtle responded, "Vince, what the hell's going on? I feel like Sonny Corleone at the toll booth."

Outstanding!

There's only one episode left for Ari and Turtle to battle it out for the Big Knish. Based on the coming attractions, which the BPL judges mistakenly watched for the first time all season, Turtle has been installed as the favorite heading into the week.

Best Printable Line Standings
Ari Gold 3.5
Turtle 3.5
E 2
Drama 1
Turtle's mom 1

By Mark La Monica

I first was introduced to "The List" several years ago in the pool at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. My first reaction was "This is stupid." Clearly, that was the rum talking because this is a great game to play with significant others.

Great . . . until the significant other actually accomplishes the mission and then tells you about it. Now, you may be thinking "Why the hell would I tell the person I'm with about this?" Well, what's the point of making a list of celebrities it's OK to sleep with when you're in a serious relationship if you can't talk about it when it happens?

It's all fun and games until someone loses his or her Celebrity List cherry. Then it's just plain painful. Imagine being the dude who comes home and hears "Honey, I just slept with Vincent Chase right here in the same bed you and I sleep in every night, but it's cool because he was on my list" from the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. Gee, that's about as precious and heartwarming as slamming your package in the glove compartment.

Watching the scene when the girl tells Vince she's getting married is equal parts id-satisfying fantastic and soul-damaging brutal. "The List" is so far-fetched in reality that when you see or hear someone accomplish it, you have to admire it. But the word "married" and its various grammatical cousins should still be something of nourishment for our moral fabric. If you watch closely, Vince's expression includes a bit of disappointment and shock when hearing the news of the girl's pending nuptials.

That being said, let's have a little fun. We'll assume Turtle and Drama could hold a steady girlfriend in order to activate "The List" and hypothesize for the entire crew. (Top five listed alphabetically).

Vince*
Halle Berry
Jennie Finch
Angelina Jolie
Maria Sharapova
Charlize Theron
* It's about as fair as a baseball hit behind the plate for this guy to have a list, but fun is fun. And I'm all for equal rights.

Drama
Diane Lane
Julia Roberts
Mia Sara
Brooke Shields
Sloan (E's girlfriend)

E
Mischa Barton
Paris Hilton
Susan Lum (think waaaaay back!)
Suchin Pak
Tori (Sloan's friend)

Turtle
Drew Barrymore
Jenna Jameson
Lil Kim
Jessica Simpson
Sloan (E's girlfriend)

Geography plays a key role in the game. In the 2005 U.S. census, 99.2 percent of Americans reported still holding on to unchecked lists. That successful 0.8 percent all live in or around Hollywood.

In the interests of fairness and full disclosure, I shall reveal my top five because I want you all to use the comments on this blog to submit your list. We will compile those results and produce the official "Entourage, the blog List," so feel free to forward this around to your friends. All genders are invited to participate.

Jessica Alba
Lindsay Lohan
Jennifer Lopez
Madonna
Michelle Rodriguez

Your turn!