Entourage: Let's Blog It Out

By Jonathan McCarthy

What a nice, neat, little package HBO delivered in the season finale of "Entourage." That’s not a bad thing, because there is really only one way this season could have ended.

It was a stretch to think that E might ever leave Vince, especially after, as he noted, ‘he took me out of a pizza parlor.’

Jeremy Piven delivered his most out of character performance, as Ari whittled down the relationship between E and Vince, convincing E that Vince will always be his boy.

That, in the end, was the essence of what makes ‘Entourage’ an entourage. Everyone in the group will always be there for each other. Little nuances like ordering ‘breakfast in bed’ and going to Turtle’s rap showcase just highlight that fact.

As the show ended last night I found myself wishing again that the show was 60 minutes instead of 30. It is that good (and ‘The Comeback’ is that bad).

So how does next season start? Here are some suggestions:

- Aquaman flops because Mandy was horrible
- Turtle blows up huge, prompting Drama to beg to be in one of his rap videos
- E dumps Sloan and end up back with James Cameron’s assistant
- Shauna hooks up with Drama (it would be funny)
- Lloyd stars in The Fast and Furious 3
- Ari agrees to star in a reality show about his ‘Comeback’
- Drama goes on The Surreal Life (see above)

By Mark La Monica

Groin kicks abound on the second-to-last episode of “Entourage.” Terrance wound up his leg like a World Cup soccer player and kicked Ari square in his nether region by making a bold power play in his agency and firing Ari.

Mandy Moore practiced kicking field goals with Vinny’s manhood by scheming with her ex-fiance behind his back, then lied about it, then admitted it with some lame excuse when she got caught by Turtle and Drama. Then she nailed the 55-yarder over dinner when she told Vinny that she’s more inclined to return to the waiting arms of her ex-fiance.

Ouch. That’s bad. Real bad. Third-day-of-heroin-rehab bad.

In life, relationships end, yet they never end well, which probably explains why they end.

One day, you’re on the tea cup ride at the amusement park and winning her the giant stuffed pelican. The next, you’re finding someone else’s used condom wrappers in her garbage can.

Before you know it, you’ve run up a $750 tab at the local dive bar by yourself. The couch becomes your new home for the next eight days. Your pulse rate drops to below sea level. Your hunger strike makes Ghandi’s descendants jealous and Gillette stock drops a half-point because you haven’t shaved in a month.

You’re exhausted but you refuse to sleep because, for reasons that are equal parts illogical and intelligent, you want to feel the pain.

If you’ve lived it once, you’ve lived it a hundred times.

Vinny is about to go through the breakup cycle.

Mandy Moore hammered Vinny. The most common reaction for men is to go out, drink like sailor with a weekend pass and sleep with women like an NBA star on a four-game road trip.

A noble effort for some, but here’s what we think Vinny should do:

1) Visit her one time “just to talk” and swipe that Niche painting. Then have Turtle sell it on eBay and send her the link after the auction is completed.

2) Pack up all those nostalgic things from the relationship (the cards, the letters, the movie stubs, the plastic lobster from that night at the arcade) and mail it to her. C.O.D! With delivery confirmation, too, so you know she got it. It’s worth the 45 cents.

3) Have Johnny Drama siphon the gas out of her car. Sure, it’s a bit immature, but it’s also really funny, especially with the price of gas these days.

4) Tell her you’re going to quit “Aquaman” and then wish her “all the best” with the other guy. Big-time guilt trip will force her to quit the movie and Vinny still gets paid.

5) Obtain the other guy’s email address then Google the phrase “free mailing lists” and have yourself some fun.

By Jonathan McCarthy

Did you notice something different about Entourage last night? Yes, it started 15 minutes later, but there was something else.

It was really funny.

Of course, you shouldn't be surprised by that fact, since Entourage does feature some of the best writing on television, but let's admit, the last two episodes had something wrong with them.

Simply, Mandy Moore is killing Entourage. Don't get me wrong, she is a pretty decent actress (see Saved!) and there is an eye-candy factor, but as Turtle said a few weeks back, "She is Kryptonite to Aquaman."

What makes Entourage great is that it is four guys living the dream life of every guy in America. Every guy has a friend who got married and then stopped playing cards, going out, drinking… insert vice here. Granted, the girl is not Mandy Moore, but the result is the same. It's not that special.

This episode showed E getting chastised for Vince being a bad influence on Mandy, Turtle becoming a music manager and Johnny Drama being Johnny Drama. What shined above everything else was that these boys have each others back and it looks like that allegiance in the very near future will bring an end to Vince and Mandy.

Great! Now let's get back to the party.

By Mark La Monica

OK, sure, Sloan is insanely hot.

E’s new romantic interest, played by Emmanuelle Chriqui, is ridiculously attractive in both an obvious and understated way.

But, once you get beyond that (and that takes either several viewings of the show or one or two brutal real-life breakups), it’s time to realize that she is the daughter of Terrance, Ari Gold’s partner/boss.

OK, people, it may be Monday morning, but it’s time to play some logic games. You all remember how this works:

If Terrance is Ari’s boss, and Ari is Vincent Chase’s agent, and Vincent Chase’s manager/best friend is E, and Terrance has a hot daughter, then how does Terrance gain access to Hollywood’s hot new commodity known as Vincent Chase?

If only the logic portion of the GREs, LSATs and other standardized tests were this easy!

In Episode 19: Blue Balls Lagoon, we see E and Sloan getting to know each other over dinner. They arrive the next night together at the Mandy Moore birthday party.

In between, Sloan tells E things about her father and Ari. E uses such things when dealing with Ari, who is already nervous about losing Vincent as a client to Terrance. That’s just not smart. So much for the old adage “What happens at dinner stays at dinner.”

Anyone else get the feeling this E-Sloan relationship may not be all that legitimate? Or that it will backfire royally for everyone involved except for the head of the talent agency?

How many times have you extended a relationship a few extra dates just because the other person was hot, even though the idea of shaving with a razor laced with lemon juice was more appealing than just the thought of talking to that person? Wouldn't you prefer to have that money back now?

No matter how hot Sloan may be, E should be wise enough to see that angle, or at least the potential for such an angle to be played.

Not thinking about that is like misreading the cards at a poker table and going all in with four diamonds instead of five.

Then what are you left with? Nothing but an empty pocket and a story of how much of a loser you are.

Don’t let the beauty blind you.

By Mark La Monica

Movie-star looks are overrated. OK, not really. But I won't playa-hate.

Vincent Chase of HBO’s “Entourage” can keep his looks. E can mind to his neuroses and inner struggles with martyrdom. Johnny Drama is still hilarious, but he rocks the goatee and he’s older than 26, a basic no-no for men . . . and women not employed by carnivals.

When Halloween rolls around this year, I’m paying homage to Turtle, the wise-patoot moocher who lives in athletic gear. What the heck, I already have the wardrobe. I can grow a beard in four days. I can afford a new hat. I just need someone to play my rich friend.

Let’s analyze the Life of Turtle:

· He drives his friends around Hollywood.
· He has what appears to be an unlimited expense account, courtesy of one of those friends.
· He gets the residual perks of movie stars, i.e., leftover women, free promotiona gifts that Vincent doesn’t need, instant street cred, no waiting in line at clubs, posse-member aura, connections all around town for anything.
· He wears jerseys and baggy pants every day. (The sight of Turtle in a suit in Episode 18: The Bat Mitzvah this Sunday makes you wonder if the cable box mysteriously switched channels even though you put the remote in the other room during the show’s 29 minutes.)
· He defines the phrase “hanging out with friends.”
· He busts on people at will.
· He's always scheming but never in a harmful way.

It would appear that Turtle has achieved man’s ultimate goal: Do nothing and get paid for it.

Think I’m lying? Ask yourself this question: “If I could quit my job today and never have a problem with personal finances, would I?”

If you answered no, you’re lying. And you should start putting some money aside for the therapy you’ll need in eight years.

If you answered yes, go visit your office’s IT guy and see how long it would take for the servers to deliver your resignation e-mail. Then meet me in L.A. I’ll be the guy in a Marbury jersey, breakaway Knicks pants and an oversized fitted hat tilted back and to the left.

By Mark La Monica

The true beauty behind the HBO series “Entourage” is its intelligent writing and ability to create an aura of believability surrounding the world of make-believe.

Then again, some may argue that the truly true beauty of “Entourage” is Adrian Grenier who plays the role of Vincent Chase, the movie star that gives the show its basis.

For the first 16 episodes (one and a half seasons), we’ve seen Vincent Chase sleep with beautiful women, live a lavish lifestyle surrounded by his friends, the clubs of Southern California and just a little bit of marijuana. He had no cares in the world, other than hanging out with his boys and having fun. He escaped from financial problems by landing a $500,000 commercial and a $2 million role as Aquaman.

All this without ever breaking a sweat.

Until now.

Mandy Moore, who incidentally plays the role of Mandy Moore, is an ex-girlfriend of Vincent’s. According to the back story of the show, she’s the one that shredded him emotionally five years earlier and now they are cast together in Aquaman.

Vincent claims there’s no problem between the two, then says it’s awkward, then says there’s no problem. Yet, it’s fairly easy to figure out that Mandy Moore is Vincent Chase’s kryptonite.

In the previous episode, it is revealed that Vincent asked Mandy to marry him after they had been dating for five weeks. She said no. Now, he has to confront those emotions again after five years of suppressing them.

Ironic how by playing a superhero, Vincent becomes more human than at any point in the show’s brief but successful history.

How many of us have that one ex-lover that still messes up our minds? The one that we pretend to hate and never want to see again when we’re around our friends, yet always wind up e-mailing at 3:38 a.m. Or even worse, the one we drunk dial.

It’s a sad reality, but a reality nonetheless. It’s part of life. Denying it is like holding onto all those old cards and letters after she cheated on you – it just makes no sense.

Better to forget all about the person and move on in life.

But, of course, it’s not that easy. Especially because you know that person will re-appear in your life at some point. Could be at a conference for your job. Maybe in passing at the movie theater. Or at dinner when you’re with someone else. Face it, that’s just the way life works.

Here, Vincent and Mandy Moore are supposed to share a set for nine months while they film the movie. In this last episode (which re-airs Monday night at 9:30 and several other times during the week), Mandy wants Vincent to be friends with her fiancé. Vincent gets caught saying yes on short notice to a dinner with the two of them. When he shows up at the restaurant, he sees the two of them canoodling in a corner and walks out.

It’s a painful moment to watch. You see it unfold on your television screen and you wonder to yourself, “Where have I seen this before?”

The answer is exquisitely simple: You lived it.