The TV Zone

Ascend with us, if you will, to the sub-basement of network TV, a locale several floors below the decrepit bargain basement where the nets have been living the past few weeks.

Here you'll find three new "alternative" shows just announced by CBS to fill in the holes. (Alternative to what? Commiting suicide?)

-- "Secret Talents of the Stars" features celebrities competing in a tournament-structured format to determine who has the best hidden talent. So now, we'll be able to see things like William L. Petersen being able to whistle while standing on one leg. (I'm making that up. I think.)

-- "Game Show in My Head" is a hidden camera game show in which contestants wear an earpiece as they go about life in the city and are instructed by the host back in the studio to do stunts. If the contestants can perform these stunts, they'll go home with big money.

-- "America's Top Dog" gives pets the chance to win big money for their owners. By doing what? Whistling while standing on one paw, we presume.

Boy, the air is really fetid down here in TV's sub-basement.

Showtime will again air a live late-night feed of corporate sibling CBS’ “Big Brother” competition. The nightly midnight-3 a.m. show starts on Showtime Feb. 12, when the annual summertime all-locked-up peepfest returns to CBS early, during sweeps month, showing us just how low the ongoing writers’ strike can drag us.

“Big Brother: After Dark” on Showtime is supposed to be hotter than the network hour, but many observers found last season's live feed simply duller. Consider it a herald of the fate that might befall us all if Hollywood editors went on strike!

They lost big, so they won big.

Bill Germanakos of Lynbrook worked off 164 pounds to take “The Biggest Loser” title on NBC’s Tuesday night competition, while his 40-year-old twin, Jim, won the weigh-in among previously eliminated contestants after dropping 186 pounds. [NBC photo above: Bill Germanakos, center, with brother Jim and family.]

Bill, a medical salesman who stands 5-feet-8, took home the $250,000 grand prize by going from 334 pounds to 170 over the eight-month production schedule for the 15-week series. Twin brother Jim, a Freeport police officer from Massapequa, earned $100,000 for dropping from 361 to 175, and losing 132 of those pounds at home after his fifth-episode elimination.

The Germanakos brothers, the first set of twins on “The Biggest Loser,” made a triumphant appearance on Wednesday’s “Today” show, saying they were inspired by their father passing away young at 57, as well by as the recent death of “a friend that was in our age group,” Bill told Ann Curry. “He left a houseful of kids, and it’s very upsetting. And then to know that we were on the path for an early death as well. It’s something, when we had an opportunity to go ahead and do this, it’s something that we jumped at.”

Both were members of the “underdog” black team, a surprise in-progress addition to the series, which normally features red and blue teams of six persons each. The competition’s final four contenders all came from the same team, another first. “We were the throwaways,” Bill said in celebratory video clips posted after his win at NBC.com, where he had become a favorite in viewer comments expressing support for his can-do attitude.

But it was that “throwaway” sting of rejection that prompted Bill to describe “the defining moment of my life as an obese person.” With daughter Adrienne standing beside him after his win, he told NBC.com about taking her to an amusement park and waiting in line an hour to ride the front car of a roller coaster. “And I didn’t fit. They tried so hard, it was painful, when I got up and we had to walk away with everyone looking at me.” He said that after the show’s “reveal” party, “We went right back to the amusement park, we got right on the roller coaster, and I proceeded to bring her on every roller coaster. Listen, I’ve been waiting 20 years for this.”

Bill used his “Today” appearance to thank his wife, Stephanie, and his kids, Adrienne, Luke and Hope, for all their support. Jim thanked his wife and three kids, too. Both encouraged other obese people to do whatever it takes to lose weight. “We needed help,” said Bill, “and we found the help.”

Not to mention reality TV fame. And a nice chunk of change, too.

When is enough enough? Apparently never. Here’s the latest brilliant brainstorm from VH1 – “Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew,” due Jan. 10.

Brigitte Nielsen, Chyna, Daniel Baldwin, Jeff Conaway, Jessica Sierra, Jaimee Foxworth, Seth “Shifty” Binzer, Mary Carey and Ricco Rodriguez – and sorry, but I think the word “celebrity” is being abused in some of these cases – will detox and rehab at “a center in the Los Angeles area” described as “no-frills.”

Except for all those TV cameras celebs crave like another drug.

Eight episodes are promised, with Dr. Drew “aided in the process by his experienced and trusted staff of counselors,” VH1 says, “including registered nurses and other addiction experts.” I think “Maury” has those, too. Not impressed.

And is this some sort of trifecta for Brigitte? “The Surreal Life,” “Strange Love,” “Celebrity Rebab”? Is there a natural progression here? I’m suddenly ashamed to be a Dane.

Now here’s why it pays to go to so many press tour parties in search of the late-night insights you can glean with TV’s movers and shakers.

Mark Cuban was already my pick for the surprise of this season’s “Dancing With the Stars.” I’d seen the Dallas billionaire basketball-team owner (and HDNet operator) at a rockin’ “evening event” at the summer 2004 tour when he was promoting his short-lived ABC reality series “The Benefactor.” He and limelight-reluctant business partner/best bud Todd Wagner chatted up critics early, then hit the dance floor and stayed late. Like, till after the band went home and network staffers kicked out the post-midnight stragglers.

Granted, it was free-form rock dancing -- the only kind most critics can handle. (Whoa! Those ’70s disco steps!) But Cuban clearly felt at home, let loose and enjoyed himself. Among dozens of strangers. Who might well write about whatever moves he made.

He doesn’t care what we think. He cares what he enjoys doing. And he clearly enjoys “Dancing With the Stars,” bouncing back from a summer hip replacement with relish, commitment and competitive fire in last night’s first ballroom round.

So maybe he does care what we think. “We” being viewer voters who determine who stays and who goes. Notice how he turned on the charm last night -- not that dot-com maverick Cuban isn’t always the most genuine, down to earth and accessible billionaire you’re likely to meet. The 49-year-old boyishly goofed around in those backstage shots and gushed on stage about making his “little daughter” happy by doing well. Awww. Hear those phone votes ring. (Follow Cuban’s reactions on his popular “blog maverick.”)

Also, of course, Cuban was mean good on the dance floor with sassy Aussie partner Kym Johnson (previously saddled with Jerry Springer). He came off hard-working, surprisingly light on his feet, and gosh-darn exuberant. It was no mistake ABC’s “Dancing” producers saved his witty “King of the Road” turn for next-to-last.

Somebody had to balance out Wayne Newton.

The first “Dancing With the Stars” results show airs on ABC tonight at 9. Previous episodes stream online here.

[Above: ABC photo by Carol Kaelson.]

You’d think being a WWE wrestler would toughen you up. Doesn’t seem to have happened, though, for Ashley Massaro [at center of CBS photo, with bandana]. The East Northport native makes quite an impression, all right, on Thursday’s season premiere of “Survivor: China” (8 p.m. on CBS/2). Just not the best kind.

The buxom blonde shows up in fishnets and combat boots (and lip piercings), and immediately rolls up into a ball saying she’s sick. Her yellow-themed Zhan Hu tribe isn’t so healthy competitively, either, beset by disorganization, infighting and endless whining. The rival, red Fei Long tribe manages to suck it up through a drenching rain at what “Survivor” host Jeff Probst calls the “harsh and remote land” of China’s Lake of a Thousand Islands.

The opening scenic tour is grand indeed -- a 16th century Buddhist temple, the Great Wall, pandas and monkeys, bamboo rainforests. The tribes are even handed scrolls from which to read the ancient Chinese treatise “The Art of War,” in which neither they nor the show evinces much interest. As always, the castaways are busier sizing each other up and plotting strategy.

The show meanwhile dedicates its energy to creating “characters.” Shy/hunky southern gravedigger James. Laconic/older farmer “Chicken.” Shallow NYC waitress Courtney. Bossy Chinese-American Peih-Gee. Gay Mormon flight attendant Todd. And his unlikely confidant, macho/cunning poker player Jean-Robert Bellande [right rear of photo, in black shirt], who hails from Commack but now lives in Vegas (natch).

They’re as mixed a bunch as any, but hardly earth-shakers. And the season’s vaunted China location quickly devolves into ethnic banality. The suspense-boosting music carries a vaguely Asian sound as the teams carry heavy parade dragons through the swamp and over the drawbridge in their premiere-night challenge.

Sneak a video peek here.

Last night’s season finale of Sci Fi’s “Who Wants to Be a Superhero?” crowned Austin police detective Jarrett Crippin as America’s newest do-gooder: The Defuser.

Comics legend/host Stan Lee picked the 38-year-old Texan’s alter ego over runners-up Hyper-Strike and Hygena. The Defuser now gets his very own comic, written by Lee and published by Dark Horse Comics, plus a Shocker Toys action figure. He’ll also appear in a Sci Fi original movie.

Says Sci Fi, “Inspired by Batman and Captain America, Crippen created his character when he was a young boy. The Defuser is a loner and expert at gadgetry and invention. He performs at 110 percent, possessing enhanced speed, strength agility, reflexes, hearing and eyesight.”

Watch the season climax online here.

Sunday brings the final showdown on HGTV’s reality cult fave “Design Star” (9 p.m.). Queens' Kim Myles and San Francisco’s Todd Davis compete in “a fabulous exotic destination” to win viewer votes in polling that opens online Sunday night at 10 (and continues through Wednesday noon). Fans can vote via text message, too.

Last weekend’s final elimination episode repeats on HGTV tonight (Friday at 9) and tomorrow (Saturday at 6 p.m.). The winner gets his/her own series on HGTV and a spread in In Style Home magazine.

Here’s a little light reading to go with today’s Part 2 story on CBS’ controversial “Kid Nation” reality show, currently scheduled to premiere Sept. 19.

Our friends at The Smoking Gun have unearthed what they say is the contract parents were asked to sign before their kids could go live in a New Mexico ghost town under the tender loving care of TV producers looking for a hit.

It’s a 22-page feast of legalese that leaves the network and producers blameless for anything that might happen to the kiddos, despite the program taking place “in inherently danerous travel areas that may expose the Minor and other participants to,” among other things, crime, drowning and disfigurement.

Enjoy.

That's what celebrity-gossip-mongering site TMZ.com says. They've got the supposed list online for the new cast of twinkle-toed contestants hitting ABC Sept. 24.

Good thing billionaire Mark Cuban had that hip replacement.

This fall's "Dancing With the Stars" competitors were supposed to be announced by ABC on Wednesday's "Good Morning America."

Oops.

TMZ says these are them:
Aaron Carter
Wayne Newton
Mark Cuban
Jane Seymour
Tori Spelling
Jennie Garth
Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Lou Ferrigno
Nia Peeples
Richard Quest
Giselle Bundchen
Helio Castroneves
Sabrina Bryan
Mel B (not dancing, but playing a role on the show)

At least it can if you live in India. This story from London’s Observer is about a reality TV show that puts the likes of “Big Brother” and “The Bachelor” to shame.

“Scholar Hunt, Destination UK,” an Indian prime-time sensation, features teenagers competing for the chance to study at one of five British universities. “The programme is best described,” the Observer writes, “as ‘The Apprentice’ meets ‘The Weakest Link’ with a little of America's sleeper hit ‘Spellbound’ thrown in.”

Arvind Aradhya won a £45,000 ($90,000) scholarship to study engineering at Warwick University, after eight weeks of “demanding exams, tough interviews, a Mastermind-style quiz show, timed questions inside a glass chamber and a final showdown.”

The Observer story includes test questions to see how you’d measure up on “Scholar Hunt.” (I completely bombed out.)