The TV Zone

Good news for "Chuck"-heads: NBC's good sophomore series just got a full-season order (and the season hasn't even begun!) NBC bought a total of nine new episodes, which adds up to a full season. Here's the quote of NBCU evp, Teri Weinberg: "We couldn't be more excited with the creative direction Josh [Schwartz, creator] and his team are executing on 'Chuck.' This show has really hit its stride and deserves a full-season commitment to carry out the producers' vision for this unique series."

You can't let another Olympics slide by without jumping into the mosh pit of NBC criticism. Now, my turn, hours after the closing ceremony which - I presume - featured real fireworks this time.

Criticism of NBC's coverage? What would an Olympics be without it. Here's my approach this morning. I'll break out some of the key points of contention that flared up over the last couple of weeks, then weigh in, offering a grade. Finally, an overall grade.

Here goes:

Too much trompe l'oeil? You know - fake stuff that made the picture prettier. This rap set the pace early on, when NBC was accused to CGI'ng some firework displays in the opening ceremony, to enhance an already spectacular display. Matt Lauer and Bob Costas (sorta) vaguely referred to the fakery, but hardly with enough detail to suggest some CGI effects had just taken over your television set. Apparently CGI was necessary because the shot involved use of a helicopter so safety was an issue. Last night's display? One assumes real, but one should never assume.

My take: If this is the biggest controversy NBC had to face of the games then hallelujah. Most everything on TV is enhanced in some way and CGI is the botox of choice. Faking news is bad. Faking a few fireworks is irrelevant. NBC gets an A for overall technical mastery of the main channel telecast (the only one I - and most everyone else - basically watched) but I suppose we'll just have to give it a D for a few irrelevant minutes of fakery two weeks ago.

Not enough coverage of smog, human rights abuse, those gas guzzling billions, etc. The criticism here is that NBC soft-pedaled all this stuff or flat-out ignored it in favor of stirring tales gold and glory, and that you wouldn't even know such a thing as controversy existed in this country of a billion-three. Moreover, that NBC happily let that all slide because parent GE is so deeply entrenched in the world's biggest market.

My take: Impressions - as opposed to actual specifics - rule in this category and this certainly seems to be an accurate impression especially in primetime (although because GE is so "deeply entrenched" in just about every anther country on that planet that that charge would be leveled even if these things were carried in Burundi.) But also ask yourself this - how much coverage of the "problems" story is justified? A "lot" leads to the charge of piling on, AND detracts from the Games themselves; a "little" leads to the aforementioned head-in-the-sand charge. It seems to me NBC generally took the right approach though could have done a better job of contextualizing the issues for a largely oblivious primetime audience. (Here by the way is that Bob Costas interview with Prez Bush, which delicately explores the incendiary issues.) So NBC gets an overall C + in this category.

The Real Time or Memorex Live time firestorm, in which NBC misled viewers (particularly West Coast ones) with the "live" bug, when in fact events had been tape-delayed. Live or tape-delay is an age-old challenge and bedeviled NBC from Sydney too. Dan Wetzel of well-traveled Yahoo even went so far as to call NBC's coverage a "loser" for this reason. Writes he: "Because I was in China, I didn’t watch NBC’s coverage [but] I can only say from the flood of angry emails it hasn’t improved since the last time I was home for the games. Tape-delayed races plausibly live coverage and covering up Chinese special effects for the Opening Ceremony, NBC is like the China Daily – a state-run propaganda newspaper – of American television. If only everyone could get the feed for the Canadian Broadcast Company, which anyone in select American markets can attest does an exponentially better job of television coverage of the Olympics."

My take: Call me old-fashioned, but I like to think that "live" always means "live" and "delayed" always means "delayed." Honestly, I don't think most viewers care whether something's live or not, and if they care deeply and passionately enough about the real-time results, then a quick google should suffice. But NBC should have just left the "live" bug off all telecasts and push this distracting little controversy off the table and into the round file where it belongs. Grade: D.

NBCOlympics.com didn't offer enough, or scooped the main network (or didn't), or offered irrelevant video, and - besides - Yahoo and others did a better job.

My take: NBCO.com is one of the damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't tales of this Olympics, but it's probably a good idea to remember what this ostensibly replaced - the old triplecast idea, which charged you to watch all the minor stuff and was a disaster to boot. What did NBCO.com do wrong? Honestly, I don't know. This was a big success, and a fix for the mildly obsessed as well as an easy-to-navigate fix for the mildly engaged grazer too. OK, maybe the Really Obsessed did better via Yahoo, but NBCO.com still gets the gold in my estimation. Grade: A.

Patriotic gore, or the treacly rah-rah-go-USA! stuff that inevitably attends the coverage of some event without making even passing note of the fact that athletes from a hundred-plus other countries were winning big too (and China easily beat the U.S. in the gold medal count.)

My take: This is the Olympics! Jingoism is so deeply and inherently entrenched in U.S. coverage of the Games thanks to ABC's far more vigorous flag-waving that viewers would be lost without it. Plus, most U.S. viewers of the Games are light-to-non-existent viewers of sports, or certainly the types of sports on display here. The narrative glue that binds them is the story of U.S. athletes. I give NBC a B here.

And finally...

Overall Grade: B. This is the Olympics. It is our - your's and mine - God given right to criticize the network that broadcasts them, and indeed we should (noisily, angrily, happily, or whatever flavor of criticism we damn well like.) But from a TV standpoint, these Games were a success born of luck (Phelps), technical skill, and a reasonably intelligent and aggressive web strategy. Too much beach volleyball - a sport most of us play half-baked at Jones beach on a lovely August day (and therefore doesn't actually seem like a sport as much as a keg accessory)? Then don't watch - and head over to all the other channels that were airing different stuff. Life goes on. NBC did just fine.

Oh goody, goody, goody -- my sneak-peek-viral-marketing video of "Knight Rider" has just now arrived in my in-box. You too may now avail yourselves of this by clicking on the screen below.

Those clever rascals at NBC have hired a clever outside PR firm which occasionally sends out clips of its new shows to bloggers in the hopes that we'll post 'em. (Free publicity!) In any event, I'm happy to accommodate with this one - a first look at the mysterious "My Own Worst Enemy" (which sounds suspiciously like a show tailor-made for Christian Slater. And guess who's starring in it??!!) Not much about this newcomer at the recent press tour, but I like the look of the clip (appended with a commercial for the new Camaro! Suspiciously Small world alert - I wrote a review yesterday about CNBC's GM special which sure had a lot of stuff on said car; hmmmmm.) Here's Slater in a visit to his shrink. Take a look...

Well, here we go again. Another season of "America's Got Talent."

Just to write those three words - and then think of the prospect of David Hasselhoff passing judgment (along with Sharon Osbourne) on anything or anyone, and the sight of some seriously sad wannabes up there on the stage, causing viewers of sounder mind and body to wonder about their sanity and the tolerance of American television, particularly NBC, to put up anything on the screen these days - sends a cruel chill up my spine.

But whatever. I'll live.

Show's back (tonight at 9), and surprise! It's the same. No change. Some bad stuff. Some amusing stuff. (Check out the dude who dances with a trombone!) Some scary stuff (Romanian twins.) Some good stuff (the violin brothers...) Someone'll win. Fourteen or so million people will watch. The Republic will endure.

Here's a quick pointer about tonight's open, however. You will hear someone, maybe Piers Morgan - another reality TV champ - or maybe Jerry Springer, say that last season's winner, Terry Fator, scored a "$100 million deal, making him the most successful reality show contestant in HISTORY!!!!"

$100 million (over five years?) That's gotta be bogus, you say. And you may be right, or... Terry Fator did indeed get a deal to perform at the Mirage (which will even name a theater for him) a few weeks ago. The source of this sensational information? Robin Leach, who - you will correctly observe - is not exactly Bob Woodward.

In any event, here's the headline. It could be true. I took out my calculator - a dangerous habit - and figured that Terry would have to sell out his theater every night (1,265 seats) at a minimum of sixty bucks per seat. Usual coverage charge at the Mirage? Ray Romano, for example, is getting $121. So this huge deal is, indeed, possible (though you will also correctly observe that Terry Fator is not exactly Ray Romano...)

Go get 'em, Terry...

BTW, here's Terry on "Ellen" last fall...

Tom Brokaw, the next moderator of "Meet the Press?"

Yes, the next moderator. As always, NBC News is luckiest news division - despite what happened last Friday just before 2 p.m. - simply by virtue of having Brokaw on its payroll. Once again, duty calls and if I know Brokaw, and I think I do, he'll answer that call as he's done so many times before.

There are so many reasons why Tom Brokaw should be the next moderator of "Meet the Press" - at least on what might be called a "transitional basis" - that the best way to lay them out is a list, so here goes.

1.) Soothing for viewers AND the network: The death of Tim Russert is, like any death, disruptive, but this one was profoundly so. Russert manned this program for seventeen years and manned it brilliantly. He WAS the face of Sunday morning, to a large degree, and WAS the face of NBC's political coverage. As a result, NBC needs a new face that is also profoundly familiar and trusted. There's only one at NBC which comes to mind.

2.) Brokaw knows the territory. He, like Russert, is an encyclopedia of political fact and trivia, so much so that he's had to bat down rumors for literally decades that he would run for office from home state South Dakota. Moreover, Brokaw has worked by Russert's side, on-screen and off, for nearly twenty-five years. No one knows the rhythm of this coverage better than Brokaw.

3.) No one else is ready. This is beyond self-evident. Of course, there will be the insta-rumor that Katie Couric is up for the gig, but any whiff of positioning on her part will kill this possibility so quickly that heads will spin. Yes, NBCU topper Jeff Zucker wants her back at NBC, or so I believe, and maybe for a role at MSNBC. Katie wants the 9 p.m. "Live" slot on CNN - that I believe too. Now, "Meet the Press" will be considered almost a certainty too. But she won't be back, if ever, at NBC until next year. NBC needs someone next week. The others? Chris Matthews? Never ready for this job - he's too cable. David Gregory? Smart guy and first-rate interviewer, while his agent would dearly love him to replace Matt Lauer one of these days. I say - as good as he is - the guy's got "trust" issues with viewers who are pretty good at reading faces on the tube. Gregory's not ready for this job, and maybe never. Brian Williams? No. Absolutely, no. Viewers - and NBC staffers - will see it as a part time gig for him, and one to which he will devote neither all his time nor energy. He'll fly down to Washington on Fridays, and back to NYC on Sundays; this schedule would devalue his role at "Nightly," and you can't have that.

4.) He'll answer the call. I think and believe Brokaw will. He'll need assurance, and I'm sure get it, that this is only a temporary measure, say for six months or at most a year. He'll get the assurance too that NBC will offer try-outs to others, so that someone else will be ready to step in the moment he's ready to move aside. He won't want this forever, but maybe he'll grow into it. I've always believed - and still do - that Brokaw needs more work, even though his doc unit keeps him very busy. On some level, one that even he won't admit to, he misses the "Nightly" tonic - the stardom, influence, excitement, rush. Brokaw, meanwhile, is a terrific multi-tasker in the game of life: He can work very hard, and play pretty much the same way. (His idea of "play," of course, is running the rapids in some wild river out west.) This shouldn't be a major pull for him, again if it lasts only through election.

5.) Brokaw will get the bigshots to appear. Sure - you say - anyone would wanna come on "Meet." But what about the other Sunday shows? They compete for guests too, and without a major player at the helm of "MTP," those guests may be more disposed to appearing on ABC or CBS. With the eminence at the helm - that would be Tom - "MTP" will be better positioned to meet this immediate challenge.

6.) Brokaw will be handling much political coverage through November anyway - this will make him both sharper, and give the network more gravitas in the process, much as David Brinkley did for ABC News. So, Tom as anchor of "MTP" through inauguration, and THEN hand-off to someone else.

7.) Finally, Brokaw is the choice that will most completely, and most deeply, honor Russert. Yes, I leave this until last, even though it may be the most important reason of them all. There is only a handful of on-air people left in this business who exemplify the glory of the Big Three network news divisions of decades past. Bob Schieffer is one. Russert was another. And Brokaw is the last. It's a very abbreviated list for the simple reason that the heavyweights are all gone. Even Mike Wallace will likely NEVER appear on the air again. "Meet the Press" is network television's oldest program, born in the half-light of this industry's creation. It crept out of the primordial ooze, so to speak, and became, instantly, a vitally important program in news and politics. Russert intuitively believed that, consciously understood it, and adjusted his professional bearing accordingly to meet that vital role. This is why Russert was so successful, and why the mourning that we now see on NBC's air (and elsewhere) is so genuine. There's only one person who similarly understands "Meet the Press's" role and who can meet it accordingly, and imbue it with the symbolism that it so richly deserves. You know by now who that person is.

Well, Tom. What's your answer?

What did I think of "Nashville Star," now in the big house? I'm so glad you asked. What I saw of it was not bad, though one is reminded of the oldest Fred Allen phrase of them all, that imitation is indeed the sincerest form of television. I rarely paid attention during the USA years, but Lord, this show has stolen virtually every single element from "Idol" that it could possibly steal without committing grand larceny (which then would, like, forcing Jeff Zucker before a congressional panel that would wonder how one network could steal from another network so brazenly without triggering some sort of trademark infringement...)

In any event, who cares about that. Jewel? I imagine she was better as a host as opposed to a judge - seemed constitutionally incapable of criticism. John Rich? When he called someone "pitchy," I thought, "hmmm, where have I heard that before..." Jeffrey Steele? Separated at birth from Richard Branson. Billy Ray Cyrus? Thinking to himself, "will this help sell tickets to the movie?"

But here's the reason for this blog entry (and you were wondering, weren't you?) Could "Star" be the first hit of the summer season, and on lowly NBC at that? NBC has already set up a conference call with ejectee Charley Jenkins (above) later this morning. Networks don't do that unless they get a lot of interest from the press - which is more often than not the Internet press, which sometimes knows first-hand what readers/viewers are into.

However....fffffppppttttttt. That's my approximation in print of air going out of "Nashville's" balloon. Fox - which has reason to dismiss this show - just sent out ratings which proclaim "NS" the network's lowest reality launch in THREE years, getting just over a two rating among young adults.

NBC has scheduled a conference call Monday to make what is already the worst kept secret in television official: That Jimmy Fallon will take over as host of "Late Night" when Conan O'Brien heads west next year to take over "Tonight." Many people will - doubtless - wonder about Fallon's talk show chops, etc. You know the gripe: "He's never hosted a talk show...how can he...?" Etc. But NBC does have a pretty good track record at this hour; I believe it's batted a thousand at 12:35 over the last two decades, so I'm assuming it knows exactly what it's doing...

In fact, Fallon brings to mind the guy he'll be competing against - Craig Ferguson, the very gifted "Late Late Show" guy who was a standup, author (of a novel, and soon, his own memoirs). Letterman of course briefly hosted a daytime talker, but he was a weatherguy, for crying out loud. Fallon - I am certain - will do just fine. His biggest challenge: Fergie, whose numbers are building...

As you know, "ER" - NBC's great long-running series - will become its late great long-running series after next season. It's fifteen and done, and yet the 15th looks to be as tough as the first. Everyone seems to be leaving - and everyone who left doesn't seem to want to come back. No George Clooney. No Juliana Margulies. And soon, no Maura Tierney (Abby) after a few episodes next year, and no Goran Visnjic (Luka) either. Yeah, Noah Wyle will return for a handful next year - creater "ER" boss John Wells told reporters a little while ago - but I'm pretty certain he was contractually obligated to do so.

After that? The doors are wide open for anyone who wants to return. Said Wells, "we're beginning planning for the final season and as part of that, we'll be contacting pretty much everyone who wants to come back and do a little spin. We haven't set anybody at this point [but] I'll be asking people that want to come back and be part of the last season."

Good Lord, where to begin? Here's just a partial list from the first season: Clooney (forget Mr. Bigshot),Sherry Stringfield,Eriq La Salle,William H. Macy, Yvette Freeman, Deezer D, Anthony Edwards..and later, Gloria Reuben, Jorja Fox...and later, Paul McCrane. No, come to think of it, dear ol' Paul WON"T be coming back, will he? (What a shame, but malfunctioning helicopters will do that to you.) Howabout Ming-Na, or Michael Michele, and Erik Palladino, and...

Said Wells of Edwards, "I haven't talked to Tony in a while - he and his family went around the world with a tutor and I haven't talked to him since he got back...haven't thought about it. Around Memorial Day, the writing staff goes to Hawaii and sits around and figures out what we want to do for the next year and over the summer we'll start contacting people. Some may not come back under any circumstances, but they're gonna want to know what they're coming back for..."

(Above, George may not be good to go, but what about Tony or Eriq?)

It's here! It's here! I'm so excited my fingers are stumbling over themselves just to get you the news about NBC's spanking brand new fall schedule.

It's kinda early, isn't it? Yes, it's kinda early.

Good news: It won't be wall-to-wall "Deal or No Deal" (at least yet; wait till some newcomers flop, then...)

And the big development: There'll be a spin-off of "The Office," to debut after the Super Bowl. And also kinda big development: There's an "SNL" spin-off, called "Thursday Night Live," that'll air...umm, guess when. The rest of the stuff has already leaked out in the trades.

Herewith details about the new shows, straight from the NBC press release:

The roll-out of NBC's 52-week lineup begins in the Fall, as the debuting drama series "My Own Worst Enemy," starring Christian Slater, joins "Chuck" and "Heroes" on NBC's Monday lineup; "Kath & Kim," a new comedy starring Molly Shannon and Selma Blair, based on the hit Australian series, teams with "The Biggest Loser: Families" on Tuesdays; and on Wednesdays, "Knight Rider" goes to series, building on the success of last February's "Knight Rider" movie, the highest-rated movie telecast on any network in three years in adults 18-49. The mid-season dramedy "Lipstick Jungle" will return in the Fall, also on Wednesdays. Drama series "Crusoe," the hit game show "Deal or No Deal" and "Life" are scheduled to join NBC's Fall Friday lineup. In addition, NBC will introduce "SNL Thursday Night Live," which will share time on Thursdays with "The Office" at 9:30-10 p.m. (ET).

Through the winter months, NBC plans to add to its Sunday lineup "Kings," (starring Golden Globe winner Ian McShane) the ambitious new drama from the producer of "Heroes," along with the returning drama "Medium" and the exciting fantasy series "Merlin." On Mondays, NBC adds "The Philanthropist," a drama concerning a renegade billionaire who uses his wealth to help people. Tuesdays introduces a brand new cycle of "The Biggest Loser: Couples." "Law & Order" returns to Wednesdays for the series unparalleled 19th season. On Thursdays, comedy reigns with the addition of a new series spinning off the NBC hit "The Office." "The Celebrity Apprentice" returns in its popular new format on Thursdays. Sundays will be highlighted by special events, including the "66th Annual Golden Globe Awards," the four-hour miniseries "The Last Templar" (starring Oscar winner Mira Sorvino) and "XIII" (starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff).

(Above, Chris Slater has new NBC series; will dear boy behave and not embarrass network?)

Funny, but here I'm thinking NBCU bossman Jeff Zucker is putting the finishing touches on NBC's all-reality-all-the-time fall schedule (to be unveiled next week; I can hardly wait) and instead I find out he's been taping promos for "My Name is Earl."

It's getting quite a bit of pick-up, which I believe is the intended purpose, and a little bit of criticism (Nikki Finke wondered whether he was insane), which was probably not an intended purpose.

In any event, I think it's harmless. You be your own judge:

That's right. I'm not kidding - like I'd kid about something like this. NBC will announce its fall schedule next week, or about two months ahead of everyone else.

Yes, this is unprecedented and a little nutty, or maybe a lot nutty. I mean: Why next week? What's the logic? Why not the week after? And will we viewers - me and you - really remember any of this six months from now?

Boy, I wanna sip of what they've got in them watercoolers out in Burbank.

Anyway, why wait till next week? I've got the schedule right here, right now (let's just say your faithful correspondent has spies in VERY IMPORTANT places.) Here it is. Don't hold me to this - my source may have been gulping that Burbank watercooler juice for all I know:

Monday: "Deal or No Deal" (8 p.m.); "Deal or No Deal" (9); "My Dad is Better than Your Dad" (10).

Tuesday: "Deal or No Deal" (8); "My Mom is Better than Your Mom" (9); "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Wednesday: "The Biggest Loser: 7" (8); "The Biggest Loser: Mixed Couples;" "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Thursday: "American Gladiators" (8); "American Gladiators: All Stars!!" (9); "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Friday: "The Singing Bee: Moms Vs. Dads" (8); "Celebrity Apprentice" (9); "Celebrity Apprentice:" All Stars" (10).

Saturday: "Deal or No Deal" (encore night.)

Sunday: "Deal or No Deal" (7); "America's Got Talent: All-Stars" (8); "American Gladiators: Deal or No Deal Edition" (9); "Deal or No Deal: Gladiators Edition" (10.)

"quarterlife?" What? You didn't watch it the other night? Neither did 297 million other Americans, which is why it's being shunted over to Bravo from NBC - which plucked it (so to speak) from Myspace.

What's "quarterlife?" It got a lot of ink during the strike in part because of its provenance (the web) and its auteurs (including Marshall Herskovitz, TV/movie scribe superstar.) But it then got a one-night try-out on Wednesday, was seen by just over 3 million viewers (the debate, yes, the debate got more than twice as many viewers), and the hook was produced.

By the way, it's not a bad show - a little too cute and tiresome perhaps, and kind of a rip-off of "iCarley," which had the idea of kids producing their own webcast last fall. Plus, why isn't the "q" capitalized? (cuz it's a web show - get it?) Oh well - it'll work fine on bravo, i imagine.

And...we now have show return dates from the Peacock. Yes, I've noticed a trend here too: Looks like the bulk of returning faves, etc. will arrive in April, just in time for May sweeps.

Don't worry if you don't see something you love/cherish/miss-desperately below. Here's NBC's qualifier: "Specific plans for other NBC scripted series are currently being determined and
will be announced later."

Here's what we've got so far:

"My Name Is Earl" (Thursdays, 8-8:30 p.m. ET)
Resumes April 3 with one-hour episode

"30 Rock" (Thursdays, 8:30-9 p.m. ET)
Resumes April 10

"The Office" (Thursdays, 9-9:30 p.m. ET)
Resumes April 10

"Scrubs" (Thursdays, 9:30-10 p.m. ET)
Resumes April 10

"ER" (Thursdays, 10-11 p.m. ET)
Resumes April 10

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (Tuesdays, 10-11 p.m. ET)
Resumes April 15

"Law & Order" (Wednesdays, 10-11 p.m. ET)
Resumes April 23

Well, here's another thing that happens when you win "The Biggest Loser:"

You get milk.

(And yeah, it's apparently fat-free, or low-fat; you'll have to take the ad's word for it.)

Here's the caption for yet another edition of the famed "Got Milk? campaign (Sorry for the crop, but at least you get the general idea). So far, it's run in just one paper - USA Today": "The Biggest Loser Shapes Up with the Help of Milk. Last night Bill Germanakos was named the winner of NBC’s hit show 'The Biggest Loser.' Bill lost 164 pounds and appears in his very own Milk Mustache ad to boot. He knows that filling three glasses a day with lowfat or fat free milk can help him get the calcium, protein and nutrients that are important when watching calories, plus along with exercise, the protein helps build muscle."

Yup, "Law & Order" is good to go too - strike or no strike.

NBC said the veteran (very veteran) and very nearly extinct classic will return next month on Wednesdays, Jan. 9, at 10, with a lead-in from "L&O: Criminal Intent" at 9. So...we've got a two-hour "L&O" block. Noted.

We've got the usual cast back, with of course, necessary changes: Linus Roache joins as ADA cus' Jack McCoy (Sam Waterston) is bumped up to DA cus' Arthur Branch is running for president (and the Iowa caucus is just around the corner.) Interesting behind-the-scenes addition: Rene Balcer is show-runner, or - should I say, was, considering the strike and all. Balcer's one of the stand-out "L&O" producers of yore, and his "L&O" won a best-drama Emmy way back in the mid (or was it early?) '90s.

Oh, yes, and how could I forget? Jeremy Sisto will join the show too - as Dect. Cyrus Lupo to Jesse L. Martin's Edward Green. And...on "CI," Mike Logan (Chris Noth) is back.

No word on how many episodes were in the can pre-strike, but "L&O" was a limited order to begin with, so my guess is that it's just fine.

Say what? NBC News is not paying for an interview with Paris Hilton, after all? In the wake of that sensational New York Post article - actually, printed allegation - that's the final outcome? No payment, but (almost certainly) an interview?

[And if you're just tuning in now, check out TMZ.com, which is reporting that NBC has pulled the plug on the interview. But just in case it hasn't, read on...]

Confused? Of course, and a glance at this morning's headlines won't help. All they can tell you is that there was a huge fire yesterday in medialand that NBC managed to douse just in time for the final editions. The NY Post provided the match, claiming that NBC News was to pay a million bucks to Hilton for an interview on "Today" (performed by Meredith Vieira) after her release from jail. ABC News - who knows? Maybe the original leaker? - was infuriated because it thought Babs Walters had her locked up (no pun intended, seriously).

This was all sensational because a.) it was Paris; b.) Babs was angry again, just weeks after the Rosie fiasco, and c.) this involved a news division which is now in the throes of a brutal NBC 2.0 scale-back, which has meant the firing of everyone from Stone Phillips on down. At this rate, the only two employees left at NBC News in a few years will be Brian Williams and Tim Russert - but at least they'll always have Paris. And finally, d.) This promised to be the most revolting instance of checkbook journalism in thirty years, or at least since CBS News paid for Bob Haldeman's memories of the Watergate story back in the early '70s (after which the networks decided that maybe checkbook journalism wasn't such a good idea after all.)

NBC News ducked reporter questions all day, then finally, around 5:15, issued this: "NBC News has not and will not pay for interviews." Why it should take all day to deliver this remains a mystery, but that was it. Fire out. No story.

Again - not quite. Both the LA Times and Washington Post report today that the likely outcome of all this could be one of those fig leaf entertainment deals, in which the celebrity promises an interview to the news division, but gets paid - in effect - by the entertainment division. A sensational example of this form of footsy took place at Fox recently, when Judith Regan managed to justify a huge payment to O.J. for a tell-all book in return for a primetime interview. NBC paid a couple million for the concert that also netted news interviews with a couple heirs to the crown. There are many other examples, and they almost always make the networks look sordid, crummy, sleazy and craven.

A "multimedia" deal will almost certainly happen here too - unless Leslie Moonves (CBS) or Bob Iger (ABC) step up and promise her a primetime series ("It's the Paris Show!" Thursdays at 9, 8 central time) or a Disneyworld attraction ("Paris Hilton Space Mountain").

Why is all this appalling? And why does it make NBC News look so bad, even if news doesn't technically sign the check (which is a mere and irrelevant formality anyway?) Tom Rosenstiel, executive director or the Project for Excellence in Journalism, explains:

"The argument against paying someone for their story is the argument that you're creating an incentive for them to say something that isn't the truth. You're negotiating with them, finally, over what they're going to tell, [or] 'if you're not going to talk about that, we're not going to pay you as much.' You're negotiating over a product and that creates an incentive for people to hype the product. If you say, 'the reason you should talk is you can get your story out' then...your relationship [with the source] is completely different. You're no longer vested in the story being a certain way."

Naturally, there are other reasons why the process is outrageous - and don't forget, we're talking about Paris Hilton here. The money that is ultimately paid to her will be money that NBC News - already depleted - will not use to cover Iraq or a million other stories, large and small, that go by the boards each and every day. It'll diminish NBC News even further, to a point one day when the fig leaves will be dispensed with altogether. It'll be naked news, all the time, metaphorically speaking. Other Paris'-of-the-future interviews will lead "Nightly;" "Extra" (also owned by NBCU) will have additional outtakes. Vieira, if she's still around to stomach this travesty, will post additional footage on the "Today" website; "Dateline" will do a series; the life movie will air in sweeps; a Universal theatrical (which Paris-of-the-future will exec produce) will be released the following summer; while Bravo, Sci Fi, and USA will each air interstitials promoting Paris-of-the-future's new line of cosmetics (underwritten by GE, which will suddenly find itself in the cosmetics business.)

The news division - in other words - will no longer be a "news division" but a division that enables or promotes the profit goals of all the other divisions, while pretending that it's still in the news business, which - of course - it will not be.

And speaking of GE, no wonder it's thinking of dumping NBC. The future looks like hell.

And speaking of NBC's future, this is it...(from askmen.com)