The TV Zone

Lotta talk here in Beverly Hills about "Heroes," and how it'll attract new viewers after so loooong a hiatus, and whether fans will come back when it returns Sept. 22. (I predict...in droves.) Etcera. (And in what must be the strangest omission of the entire press tour: Tim Kring and no one else from the show held a panel to build up interest...which is what networks do when they want to build up interest....)

So, instead of having panels and what not -- which can be kinda gaseous anyway -- NBC is attacking the problem virally, by having its representatives send out the latest webisodes of the show. Always happy to comply, here's chapter two, or "part two," if you will, entitled "The House Guest:"

Superstars in NBC's future: Amy and Laser Cats...

Remember the "Office Spin-off?" Never quite had a name, and many people in the business kind of assumed there wasn't quite an idea there either? It is now officially on ice -- not dead, but in that place in the TV development process where a sense of urgency is basically non-existent. Ben Silverman, NBCU entertainment co-boss, told the inkstained assemblage that the network -- and Greg Daniels and Mike Schur -- will develop a new show with Amy Poehler instead; this one will not be a spin-off, and she'll never appear in "The Offfice," and her show will not "emanate" from "The Office," like "The Jeffersons" did from "All in the Family." (Interesting comparison...)

I dunno -- maybe Amy just doesn't like Scranton.

Simply put, getting Amy Poehler to appear in anything on NBC after she has her baby sometime this fall (she and husband Will Arnett are expecting, as you know) is the single biggest entertainment announcement at NBC's press tour because as Silverman rightfully pointed out, she could have easily headed off to the big screen.

So what will go in the post-Super Bowl slot? There were reports that the "Office" spin-off that is no more was going there, but the Poehler show won't be ready in time either (expect a March launch.) Silverman didn't completely rule out an "Offfice" something, although what that would be was terrifically vague; "maybe some iteration of 'TO' [could air there] or a tease of the [Poehler] show or it could be something else."

[If you have any ideas for a post-SB show, please send 'em to Silverman; looks like he neeeds some suggestions...]

What is the Poehler show about? Silverman declined to say, but this much we do know: Daniels will be developing it, and with all his time now devoted to this and whatever he has left over for 'TO,' I think it's a fair bet he won't have any time or energy left over to think about the spin-off.

So for now, I'm guessing the great spin-off that never quite was...is DOA.

But I have a suggestion: What about a spin-off for Laser Cat? The marketing possibilities are endless. Product placement? (Cat food. Duh. Or lasers. Those too. The above pix isn't exactly a Laser Cat, but close enough...You get the idea.)

Meanwhile, here are news release quotes from Daniels/Schur:

"This show suddenly got a hundred percent easier," said Daniels. "Amy shines in everything she does. She can make even bad material funny, and I know we can write bad material."

"I worked with Amy at 'Saturday Night Live,' " said Schur, "and she's one of the funniest, most talented people I've ever met. She is a terrible human being, but I am more than willing to overlook her many, many character flaws for the chance to work with her again."

Who was that bald guy at the back of the room with the big voice (that sounded suspiciously like a famous talk show host) who belted out a question to NBCUni bosses, Ben Silverman and Marc Graboff during the NBC executive sesh...

Who wanted to know when Jay's last day was...or whether it was true NBC had offered Leno a fifth hour of "Today."

Yes. That was Jay. He was here. Funny...and in disguise. Sort of like Jimmy Kimmel during the ABC sesh last week. Yeah, the networks have had fun with the Leno transition story and hard to blame them. It is the story, so much better to control it than let it control them -- as it doubtless will in the weeks and months to come.

The last day? We did get a serious answer to that one: May 29, 2009, a Friday, while Conan starts the following Monday.

One critic did have a good followup: "What happens when Jay Leno goes over to ABC and kicks Conan's ass?"

"We've witnessed a lot of transitions at NBC," said Graboff. "We really believe in the decision we've made with our partners, including Jay....'Tonight Show' will continue to be dominant within its time period."

Someone wanted to know about Jay's comment to USA Today last week, that he would definitely leave NBC. Graboff: "I think Jay would say he was taken a little out of context..."

The King am I.

Lorne Michaels was here yesterday and I'm beginning to get the sense that "press tour" wouldn't be a "press tour" without him. Held in such reverence -- the critics gave him their lifetime achievement award here in Beverly Hills Saturday -- Michaels confers legitimacy on this whole affair just by showing up, even if he has nothing to say. This year he did: NBC announced a series of Thursday half-hour specials (live, of course) leading up to the election; these three will air during October, (expect a "Weekend Update" format.) "SNL" last hit Thursdays in 2001.

Lorne had a lot to say about a lot of stuff at his presser yesterday. Herewith, the highlights:

* Yeah, he effectively admitted that Barack Obama's difficult to mock. "He's still defining himself and is cast as heroic, which I think he is, but sooner or later he'll do something to irritate us....It's still being dealt with cautiously and reverently, and it might stay that way to November, but I doubt it."

* Yeah, again, Amy Poehler is of course leaving for "The Office" spin-off but'll stay on the show for that Thursday series of specials and will leave after the election. Could Seth Meyers go solo on the "Weekend Update" desk? "I don't know [but] we toyed with the idea of Tina doing it alone..."

* Yeah, "I was enormously frustrated by the strike, and being off the air during an election year was unbelievably frustrating..."

* Jay out the door? "I have so little to say on that. I like Jay's show, I like Conan's show...I was brought in after David Letterman left. I tend to get the call late in the cycle."

* He will -- as I think "SNL" may have said before -- launch Jimmy Fallon's show on the Web to get the kinks out before it's on the air. (Fallon, you know, replaces Conan, who goes up an hour next year...) "I learned from Conan how brutal it is to change a show [while it's on] the air. It'll help by having Jimmy on the Web "five to six months before it goes on the air." Plus, this'll let Jimmy "do stuff you don't normally do on TV..."

* What'll it be like having Conan move from 6A to that gymnasium in Burbank? "Conan and Jeff [Zucker] so know what they're doing [but] it will be a big transition."

* Fallon will originate out of Studio 6B. That's -- as you know -- an historic studio in NBC, where Carson and Paar once worked. I also believe "Twenty-One," the old game show (scandal, remember?) came out of here too.

(Photo: Getty Images)

Read on to learn the fate of Smash...

This is a good news/bad news kinda blog post for fans of "FNL," which presented to the ink-stained assemblage here in Beverly Hills this morning.

First the good: The show will be back on the NBC lineup early February 2009 for thirteen episodes, but the show will first launch Oct. 1 on DirecTV's subscription 101 Network, as announced months ago. Showrunner Jason Katims told critics here yesterday, "we've had conversations" about having different content for both editions, but he seemed to suggest that no one should hold his breath. For Katims and cast, this dual-deal with DirecTV could mean salvation. As he said, "The fact that we're here speaks to the passion that NBC has for the show, and they came up with this model that is completely new and [we] could continue the show for years [or] several more years."

He talked about the potential for two versions -- the DirecTV one of course wouldn't have to worry about "standards and practices issues..."

Meanwhile, the show is going to be more realistic, which means that when someone graduates high school...they move on, just like in real life (sometimes.) So the big cast change on the third season: Adios to original cast members, Brian "Smash" Williams (played by Gaius Charles) and Jason Street (Scott Porter) who will leave after a four-episode arc; they've graduated.

And...she'll play a "guest director" for the high school musical at West Beverly Hills High. The CW announced this morning (Saturday) that Shannen Dearest signed on for multiple episodes.

So far, everyone seems to be getting along just fine.

But it's early.

I say, give it a few weeks.

In any event, I jest. "Beverly Hills 90210" showrunners Gabe Sachs and Jeff Judah -- both "Freaks and Geeks," and "Life as We Know It" alums -- seemed pretty happy about the new edition this morning before the ink-stained Assemblage here in Beverly Hills, and no wonder. Shannen Doherty's addition -- rumored for many days -- is what you call "promotable."

Not that this spin-off needs much more attention.

Judah told us this morning that castmembers from the Original -- at least those few who have agreed to sign up -- will be "used organically" in the spin-off. I take this to mean that they won't have fully independent storylines, or that their storylines from all those years ago will probably not be resolved in this edition. (Both producers were a little circumspect on this point.)

Of Doherty, we now know this much: She will reprise her role as Brenda Walsh (who as you recall disappeared to London for an acting career, while leaving the love of her life behind...) The CW told us this morning that Brenda became a "successful theater actress, splitting her time between New York and London. The character soon transitioned into directing for theater and had equal success in that career." Her alma mater asked her to guest direct the high school's musical...

No one asked this morning about Jason Priestley or Luke Perry, but I think you can reasonably assume they will not be joining (Perry has already said no.) Jennie Garth returns as high school guidance counselor (Kelly Taylor), and Tori Spelling, too. (Donna Martin.) Also, Joe E. Tata is back too, as Nat, owner of the Peach Pit.

The Peach Pit? As Judah explained, it has metamorphosed into an Internet cafe "and a cool coffee house. It's not going to be like the old days, 'hey, Color Me Badd!!'"

A good chunk of the new cast was up on stage this morning -- Ryan Eggold (Ryan Matthews), Rob Estes (Harry Wilson), Lori Loughlin (Debbbie Wilson), Shenae Grimes (Annie Wilson), Tristan Wilds (Michael Lee, from "The Wire," here as Dixon Wilson); Jessica Stroup (Silver), Dustin Milligan (Ethan Ward), AnnaLynne McCord (Naomi Clark), Michael Steger (Navid Shirazi), and Jessica Walter (Tabitha Wilson).

However, there wasn't a soul up there from the original cast.

Interpretation: That the showrunners didn't and don't want to shift the spotlight from the classic characters to the newcomers, who will, after all, have to strike out on their own when the show launches Sept. 2, as a two-hour premiere.

Or maybe they just realized that Jennie and Shannen couldn't share the same stage together...

Judah said the spin-off will have "a strong point of view, that kids need boundaries, need rules..."

Basic plotline: Wilson moves his family from Kansas to the Zip, where he will be WBH prinicipal. A fish-out-of-water tale ensues...

Showtime just had one of the bigger announcements of this year's confab. Execs just told the ink-stained Assemblage here that they have picked up that new series-in-development with Edie Falco entitled "Nurse Jackie," about a nurse who's kind of a rough-and-tumble gal in a New York City hospital. Not that this is a huge surprise: Everyone wanted Falco for something, and this one hasn't exactly been under wraps. Showtime previewed the show in an extended trailer, and there was a little of the Edie we all know and love and a little of the Edie many of us aren't too familiar with. F'rinstance, she's a drug user (coke, or something that came up through a straw) and liberally salts her patter with the f-bomb. The logline on this? Bob Greenblatt, Showtime prez of entertainment, told us that "she's a very complicated nurse...You've never quite seen a nurse like this...The show won't be case-driven, or [have a] big medical story of the week." Plus, it's only a half hour. Is this played for laughs? Based on the three-minute clip, probably, though maybe it's more of a dramedy...Said Greenblatt, it'll air on the network "next spring or early summer..."

And -- because I like to bury my lede -- the show also stars Paul Schulze. Remember him? How could you forget: Father Phil Intintola from "The Sopranos," the mooch who came dangerously close to breaking his vows and losing his life in the process. You might call this show the first post-"Sopranos" reunion. He plays a character named Eddie, and sorry, no further details...

Other Showtime notes:

* Clyde Phillips, "Dexter" boss, said that Jimmy Smits' character -- Miguel Prado, a Miami DA -- will "befriend" dear ol Dex, and actually become "the first adult friend he's ever had...as their friendship progresses he becomes a little more open with [Prado] about who he is...That's what we're gonna explore this year."

* David Duchovy, here to promote "Californication," got a Mulder question, of course, and he said, "I can't play him the same way [six years later.] I walk a little slower. I was trying to be Mulder in 2008, not 1993. That was interesting for me."

* Michael C. Hall got the biggest laugh of the day. Someone asked how his family reacted when they learned he was gonna play a sadistic beast of a blood-spattered serial-killer. Not missing a beat -- and in an obvious reference to his "Six Feet Under" lover, Keith Charles -- he said they responded: "'As long as you're not kissing a black man.'"

Unlike the other networks out here in BH this week, CBS actually gave TV scribes a DVD of some of the new season shows in June, which made me wonder - "what? Writers struck everyone this year but CBS?" It included full pilots of "The Ex List," "The Mentalist, and comedies "Worst Week," and "Project Gary," plus an extended trailer of the pretty intriguing mid-season entry, "Harper's Island" (a series of strange murders on an island in Puget Sound; don't worry - you'll hear a LOT more about it when CBS sets an airdate...)

What do I like? So nice of you to ask. Keep your eyes, friends, on "Worst Week," Monday at 9:30 entry...(I think "Rules of E" used to air here...) Based on the Brit-hit, "Worst Week of My Life," it really does follow a worst week in some poor schmo's life, as he gets ready for impending nuptials and must endure a series of preposterous and soul-sucking trials and pratfalls.This remake stars a relative new-comer, Kyle Bornheimer, along with the always-beautiful-and-why-isn't-she-a-big-star-yet Erinn Hayes, plus two wonderful and seasoned pros, Nancy Lenehan and Kurtwood Smith, who need no intro. The screening pilot was produced and I think directed by Matt Tarses, one of the inspired people behind "Scrubs" and "Sports Night." Tarses just told the Assemblage that "ninety percent" of the gags were lifted from the Brit series...

My snap judgment: "WW" is one of the most skillfully packaged and produced comedy pilots I've seen in a long time, and lemme tell ya, I've seen a lot. This could be the one - another major comedy hit for a network that's had a few of those (I hear) over the years. It's very (very) good...Clip - I'm sorry to say - gives you only the barest hint, but I guess it's better than nothing...

CBS this morning in BH at the Press Tour, and because the overall narrative contours of these affairs are so easy to draw, let's just go ahead and figure out what's on this morning's agenda.We begin at 9 (05) with Nina Tassler, CBS Entertainment chief, who will promptly declare - I'm just gonna make stuff up at this point - that Billy Petersen's eventual withdrawal from "CSI" will have "little impact" on one of "TV's great dramas" and (let's just keep making up quotes here) and that "Bill and Tony [Zuiker] always envisioned a moment when Grissom would leave, and have to leave. This opens up the series to new casting possibilities, and we'll be announcing those shortly, or leaking details to Michael Ausiello at 'EW.'" Meanwhile - she continues - "like any great TV drama, the ensemble is what counts. This departure ensures that 'CSI' will continue for years to come..."

Didn't you hear? They don't make news at Press Tour, just omelettes...

Next at 10, west coast time, Katie and the other toppers from CBS News will appear via satellite. This is actually a gutsy and mid-level surprising move, insofar as Katie et al know precisely what people will ask, and that probably won't be "how DO you plan to cover the conventions?"

This is actually an interesting appearance because the Omniscient We of the Mainstream Media - amazingly, always right, too - have declared that Katie will be gone after the inauguration. But, wouldn't it be exciting if....the giant head of CBS News boss Sean McManus appeared up there on the screen and said, "Katie's going nowhere - she's our anchor now and well into the future..."

But like I said, news rarely breaks out here. I suspect we'll hear this: "I just don't think this is the appropriate forum to discuss my future," says Katie. End of questions...

I'll get back to you shortly with the real quotes.

The babes are back - and older.


You love "Desperate Housewives," right? Otherwise, why read this post? In any event, there was a pretty interesting "DH" sesh yesterday at press tour, over which the loquacious, likable and amusing creator Marc Cherry held court. Cherry likes this audience, and I find that the audience pretty much reciprocates. He had a lot of stuff to say about the new season, in which Wisteria Lane moves forward a full five years. So let's just bullet the high points, because you've got a busy day:
* Cherry actually wanted to move the show SEVEN years in the future, because "labor laws" had prevented him from doing more complicated storylines with the show's child actors, and that "older kids allow you to do more involved storylines..." But he got immediate flak from the cast, members of which were afraid they'd look too old on screen. Cherry compromised on five.
* Eva Longoria Parker's Gabriella has gained a little weight and looks a little dowdy five years from now - doesn't wear much makeup (because Carlos is still blind and can't see her anyway) and because she has two kids, so who has time for makeup? The "weight" question came up and Cherry said his aunts back in Oklahoma don't have time to doll themselves up, so why should his beloved ladies?
* Teri Hatcher's Susan - still kinda skinny - has a new love interest, "an interesting artsy guy" played by actor, Gale Harold. You definitely know Harold - was briefly in "Grey's" AND was Brian Kinney in "Queer as Folk." He was also Wyatt Earp in "Deadwood." Cherry said of James Denton, "you will see Mike in the show, and that's all I'm gonna say."
* Neal McDonough, (right) as you know, is joining the cast next season. Says Cherry, his character moves to Wisteria Lane "and he has revenge on the mind." Uh-huh. Who doesn't?

Out here at press tour, in the slum called Beverly Hills, we all like to gnaw on bones well after the meat and gristle are gone. Katherine Heigl - Izzie - is the bone du jour. Yesterday afternoon, Shonda Rhimes - "Grey's Anatomy" chief - went before us bonepickers and had to deal with a few more Heigl questions. They're really old and tired, these questions, by this point: Really, who gives a damn what anyone thinks about why Heigl pulled herself outta Emmy contention and whether poor little "GA" writers' feelings were bruised? Don't we have anything else to worry about?

Apparently not...Anyway, Rhimes - sitting in the poll position among a group of superstar producers who included Darlton and Greg Berlanti, et al - said there's no problemo with her Kate, and that "everything's fine...I have a wonderful working relationship with Katherine Heigl, and as you know, I love her character..." Shonda did admit she "found it surprising" when she first heard of Izzy/Heigl's comments, but "I didn't feel insulted" because "in the back half of the season, she asked me to write her light" - that is,with a diminished role on the show - "for the movie ['The Ugly Truth.']" Meaning? If she didn't have much to do, she didn't have an Emmy-worthy role last year.

My own personal guarantee: This is the LAST TIME I'll blog/write about this non-story/story.

Promise.

I like to start rumors at TVzone, which is much easier to do than actual reporting, and here's one I'd like to float: Is one of the great actors of stage and screen going to join "Eli Stone"? That would be Derek Jacobi, who I think has a "Sir" in front of his name by now.

As you may already know, Katie Holmes will be doing a cameo on this pretty good ABC show. That was formally announced by Big Mac during the morning session at the BH, while Greg Berlanti, showrunner / co-creator offered a few other details a few minutes ago. They are: She'll be on the Oct. 21 episode ... she'll play an attorney who doesn't actually practice law ... and she'll be in a "significant portion" of the show ... oh, and she'll sing and dance, too. No details on her numbers ... As tubeheads know, she and Berlanti go waaay back to "Dawson's Creek."

Now, to Sir Derek. During the Q&A someone wondered -- I guess "joked" is the better word -- about whether "Eli" star Jonny Lee Miller might prevail on his ex, Angelina Jolie, to appear on the show, which (Berlanti said) will look to bring aboard more guest stars to build sampling and viewership next season. Said Miller of Jolie, "YOU'LL have to ask her," and then noted that in fact a co-star on a film he's currently shooting did ask whether he could do a cameo on "Eli Stone." He declined to say who that star was, other than the fact that he's a pretty "big name..." He said that he hadn't even mentioned the offer to Berlanti or co-creator Marc Guggenheim.

And of course, this intriguing comment sends me straight over to IMDB, which reveals that Miller is currently shooting Pete Travis' "Endgame," about the end of apartheid. It stars...William Hurt (but no chance he'll be doing a cameo, unless John Landgraf at FX is much more generous than I think he is), and Clarke Peters and Chiwetel Ejiofor. Both are wonderful actors, but hardly the "big name" that the other co-star Jacobi is.

So there you have it, friends. One of the greats -- maybe THE greatest living actor -- could be joining "Eli," if only for a day. (And now you can see the trouble we get into at TCA when there's not enough to do...)

(Photo: A smiling Sir Derek from whatsontv.co.uk.)

Thanks, I suppose, to "The Sopranos," we in the press ranks have all larded our expectations about how classic series -- particularly violent ones with morally conflicted characters -- should end. OK, at least I have. It's this sense that the end will fully and completely capture the preceding, or maybe justify it, or resolve a character or explain his/her motivation, or SOMETHING. That's why CCH Pounder's comment during "The Sheild" sesh today was so intriguing. (CCH? You know - Claudette Wyms...)

"The finale," she said, "is what Vic Mackey deserves."

The words fall flat on the screen. There was some venom mixed with glee in her voice. ("...what he deSERVES.") Frobisher (see below) got what he deserved, but what exactly does Mackey deserve? The same? Maybe, or maybe not. All of the show's 13 final episodes were wrapped months ago, in the middle of the strike, because Shawn Ryan and writing team had finished the scripts well before the strike began early November. So everyone up there on stage knew exactly the fate of one of the most famous / infamous cops in modern TV history (and who earned Michael Chiklis a best drama actor Emmy, a first in all TV history for a cable show.)

Someone asked about a possible "Shield" movie -- a clever but alas obvious gambit to determine whether Mackey survives. No go: Chiklis, whom co-star Cathy Cahlin Ryan referred to as Chicky at one point, didn't take the bait. If I told you, he said, you'd know whether I live or die...

Does Mackey get what he deserves? Said Chicky, "that's in the eye of the beholder. Shawn Ryan [creator, husband of Cathy, who played wife of Vic -- what a world!] did a tremendous job in writing this finale ... feel like [the series] is the longest movie ever made ... but [in the finale] writers came up with twists and turns and when you watch them, they are so stunning, but when you look back on them they make perfect sense ... with the finale, you won't see this coming but you'll also look and say, 'yeah that makes perfect sense.'"

No fade to black? No onion rings?

Said Shawn: "Show [finales] that stay true to themselves ... those are the ones that are most successful. This one will feel completely appropriate."

The final season begins Sept. 2, which means we'll have to wait to late fall or early winter to find out what just fate awaits Vic.

(Above: Fabulous and kinda scary pix of Chicky, courtesy FX)

Bless - or curse - those rascally creators of "Damages" who weren't above (or below) fooling with the heads of assorted TV writers here in BH this morning. The question, as inevitably it must, came up a few times about whether Arthur Frobisher survived the bullet that felled him at the end of last season. As richly deserved as the lead may have been, fans might have a hard time envisioning this splendid show without Ted Danson's well-turned modern-day Machiavelli/Marquis de Sade. Of course, Danson is back next season (launches sometime in January) but is he still alive? As co-creator Todd Kessler told us this ayem, "just because he's back doesn't mean he survived."

Whaaa? Reason is of course obvious: Like "Lost," "Damages" plays with time like a slide rule, pushing viewers ahead of the action on occasion so that they are more omniscient than the characters, and pushing 'em back too. So...Frobisher may only exist next season in flashbacks...Says Kessler, "we have a lot more material...and [Frobisher] is a great union of character and actor that has inspired us to delve further..."

Even if he's dead.

Danson was asked, too, about his survival. Quick answer: Hell if he knew. And asked about "Curb," which he'll also probably be back on (very much alive.) Has Larry called yet? "It's Larry's world and he just assumes when he picks up the phone [and calls] you'll come. It's as simple as that. The phone rings and I'm available - it's as sad as that" too.

(Above, well, is the bastard dead or alive? Photo courtesy FX.)

Immortal? (At least in syndication...)

I’m not sure what it is, but the thought of the Greatest Show in TV History (GSITVH) ending one of these days is more than I can get my little head around. I mean, what happens when “The Simpsons” ends? We will go on…we will go on…

In any event, Fox yesterday confirmed the 21st season was already underway and then the superstars of Fox animation (pretty much all primetime animation, with the exception of those two bomb-tossers at “South Park”) took the stage late yesterday here in BH (eat your heart out, Comic-Con.) They included…"GSITVH" creator Mattt Groening, Al Jean, Mike Judge, Matt Weitzman, and Seth MacFarlane. (Mac, “Is this where Karl Rove sat ‘cause I don’t want to get AIDS.”)

Questions came up about “Simpsons” longevity, of course, and here’s what Groening had to say (and thanks to the network’s incredibly proficient transcribers for supplying these quotes): “We, as long as Fox will have us, want to keep doing it…The task that we face at 'The Simpsons' is trying not to repeat ourselves, trying to come up with new ideas that we haven't done ourselves already.” And...still no plans for another movie at this point.

He had this to say about the voicers’ new salary pact, which pretty much means the show’s now saddled with TV’s equivalent of the Yankees payroll: “You know, one of the reasons why TV shows that are on the air for a long time go off the air eventually is because it becomes more and more expensive to do. So I hope we avoid that. Yeah, I want everybody in this room to get rich off 'The Simpsons.' Everybody works really hard. So yes, and people need to be compensated, and I'm happy for 'The Simpsons' cast. I've been working with Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, since 1987 on 'The Tracey Ullman Show' and I think of Hank Azaria and Harry Shearer and some others as the new people because they didn't come on until 1989, when the show started. And I love this cast. Al will say this, we're knocked out by them when they give me good lines, as good a line as you can, and they take it to another level.

“They're fantastic, and I want them to be as rich and unhappy as anyone in Hollywood."

I'm here! In Beverly Hills, California (movie stars...cement ponds...)

Damn, I MADE it. The press tour. The one that everyone keeps predicting will end after this week - you know, because newspapers keep firing TV critics. A pox on the naysayers - it'll be here as long as there is bad TV and enough people like me around to WRITE about it.

Anyway, I'm a week late because I had to hitchhike out here. I told Sam Zell I wanted to go to the press tour this year, and he wanted to know what a "press tour" was. I told him it's where critics go to write about bad TV. Critics? He mused. "I thought I fired all you s---birds." Then, he told me to go frak myself. It was at that point I decided it wasn't a good idea to ask for airfare, and so I stuck out my thumb.

Actually, I made up all of the preceding. Sam Zell doesn't even know I exist, and I intend to keep it that way. Let's just say I'm late to the party because that's the kind of guy I am. But enough about me and Sam. Today is Fox, and I'm gonna give you all - my faithful half dozen readers - a preview. I'll put on my Karnac the Mag hat, and predict the one or two questions I plan to ask at each sesh. Here goes:

"Prison Break," 8:30:

Question: "Now wait one second there, Mister Matt Olmstead. You beheaded Sara Tancredi (above) and now you're going to re-attach her head next season? How is that possible, surgically speaking? Will she ever lose her head again?"

"So You Think You Can Dance," 9:15

Question: "Mister Lythgoe, where do you get your teeth whitener, and do you also think Simon Cowell is the world's most obnoxious celebrity? And I have a followup..."

"Executive Session," 10:

Question: "Mister Reilly, could you please say something actionable about Ben Silverman?"

"Fringe," 10:45:

Question: "Mister Abrams - do you mind if I call you JJ? - is the Cloverfield monster still alive? And if so, which city do you plan to demolish in the sequel? I hear Boston has a lot of monuments?"

"Fox News," panel with Chris Wallace, Howard Wolfson, Karl Rove

Question: "Honestly, I can't think of anything to ask..."

"Do Not Disturb" 2:45

Question: "How does it feel to be the only new Fox show of the entire year?"

"Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles," 3:30

Question: "Over here...down in front...to your left...no a little more over...to your right. Yes. That's me. Sorry. Forgot what I was gonna ask."

"24: Exile," 4:15

Question: "Kiefer...do you mind if I call you Kiefer? Down here. To your left. No a little more to your right. No, that's Mike Hughes. I'm five TV critics over. Could you please address reports that you and Julia are back together again?"

[Damn. I LOVE press tour.]

(Above: Sara's back! And so is her head! Photo courtesy, my friends at Fox...)

So here we go again. TCA! It begins today, this morning, in fact. A few hours from now. So what is "TCA" and why should you give a patooty? It's the Television Critics Association Press tour in Beverly Hills, where about 300 mostly smart and soon-to-be well-fed people congregate twice yearly to listen to TV producers pitch their new shows in a dark and very cold room. (Today, cable...) Most of these people work for newspapers, magazines, websites - increasingly the latter - work pretty hard during these two weeks and don't drink nearly as much as you may have been led to believe. (Unfortunately, the first day of TCA also serves as occasion to lament the sorry and diminished state of TV criticism. I've read at least two pieces since Monday bemoaning the profession, and, by association, the future of TCA, so...let's not get too excited. I'll be out there sometime this weekend, God and the U.S. aviation industry willing.)

But maybe some of you are wondering: What is TCA REALLY about? And so, I've posted a couple of clips from the '07 criticpalooza. This first is an "Ugly Betty" cast interview. These star encounters - just one facet of TCA - take place after the panel sessions, and yield more gales of ephemera, flotsam, and fabulously fatuous phooey than a single edition of "Rachael Ray:"

This next one's from Michael Jensen, a well-known presence at TCA who works for AfterElton.com, which posts "news, Reviews & Commentary on Gay and Bisexual Men in Entertainment and the Media." What's good about this clip is that it reveals yet another minor aspect of TCA - the junk that the networks dump on critics, usually outside the hotel room door. Here Jensen pulls out of a bag which contains something like fifteen HBO chotchkes. At TCA, swag still lives! Even if it's minor league swag...


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