The TV Zone

One of the greatest pleasures of the spectacle that is called "The Hills" is watching the way we in the media cover it. For instance, was in BH recently, at John Edwards Hilton for the press tour, and the papers out there were filled with stories about the Audrina/Lo/Lauren manse, and how the neighborhood was up in arms over the racket, what with workmen and drunken boyfriends entering and leaving at all hours. My God, you'd think Martha Stewart had moved in. And then -- second-day story alert! -- there were more stories about whether the threesome were even living there. There's been endless stuff about Speidi, and now whether they're gonna treat the world to their spawn. Then, all that stuff about Lauren, and her couture -- real or fake? Of course, there's been endless white noise of the last couple seasons about the script, err, dialogue, too -- real or fake? (As if anyone could write this stuff.) On and on and on ...

So, in this spirit, let's treat last night as a major news event, with mini stories strewn throughout. There were about a half dozen major headlines, per my count, as well as rich potential storylines for producers. So, to help struggling entertainment editors around the country snorkeling around right now for the Next Big "Hills" Thing, here's my list:

"Heidi's Sister: Will She Move In?" Imagine! A threesome in one little apartment, with Spence sneering and dropping his pathetic little attempts of sarcasm like rabbit poop all over the place. (And then, Heidi, once again realizing what a complete sorry waste of space he is, kicks him out and lives full-time with Sis, Holly, who clearly knows how doomed this Speidi thing is.)

"Audrina and Lo: Showdown!" That end scene was sure something else again, wasn't it? Loaded with Chekhovian drama, where the whole meaning of human relationships lurks just beneath the turbulent surface. Why, Henry James couldn't have penned a more complex and splendidly subtle scene. Which is my my sarcastic Spencer way of saying -- for chrissakes, can't we just get a good catfight between these two? A real knockdown worthy of "The Bad Girls Club." Let's get DOWN girls. Give the neighbors something to really bitch about.

"Doug": Come on. Do we really think this is going to last -- Mister Perfect Doug, and Lauren. I mean, check it out. The writers gave him the driest, funniest line in "Hills" history -- a bon mot so well-turned that millions fell off their couches, or dropped their cell phones, or whatever, shaking with the giggles. "What have you been doing the last four years of your life?" he asks Lauren at the Red Pearl Kitchen. Oh, good one, Doug! Only problem -- he was dead serious. Either he's brain deceased or one of the canniest liars since Spence. I hope TMZ gets on this guy right away.

"Will Heidi and Lauren Patch Things Up?" I'm thinking - yes! Sure they will. My thought -- have Audrina move out, get together with Spence, who should be living on the street by midseason, and have Holly and Heidi move in. Audrina and Spence get together, begetting a new tabloid neologism -- "Spaudrina." And they DO have babies ...

Man, this is gonna be a great season.

(Nice photo for MTV by Jeff Lipsky, and yeah, it's really old -- from early season three or maybe even before -- but I like it, I like it...)