The TV Zone

Dr. Evil (Simon Fuller of Planet 19 and the Big Boss of "Idol") had a plan. It was an ingeeenious plan, this plan, and seemed as infallible as any of the other ingeenious plans he had devised to take over the world. This season, "Idol" would stack the deck with pros - people who had cut records, and knew how to perform on stage, and who would help erase the stigma that this was a rank amateur competition. And then, one of them would win! This person would then sell millions of records for Sony/BMG, plus go on tour and actually draw people to venues - unlike last summer's abysmal tour headlined by beat-boxer boy Blake Whateverisnameis and Jordin Sparks.

"Idol" would rule the world again.

Then, last night.

Dr. Evil is not happy, and his top producers heard from him again. First, what was Mini-Me (Fox reality boss Mike Darnell) doing there, Evil wanted to know? "Mini-Me seemed profoundly inebriated; doesn't he know the rules? No member of Evil's entourage is to be seen drunk on-screen, ever."

Next, who thought up this business about inspirational songs?

The producers, Number 2 and Number 3, patiently explained - again - that "Idol Gives Back" is tonight, and they wanted to get viewers in the giving mood. "I don't care about FRICKING 'inspriration,'" he screamed. Numbers 2 and 3 glance at each other nervously.

"My pros stumbled around like Fat Bastard. David Cook? What was that about? And who gave him a pen to write on his hand? If either of you let him sing an Our Lady Peace song ever again, I will personally fire the fricking laser at your head. Michael Johns? Karaoke, baby. What's so inspirational about Aerosmith anyway? Carly perfectly demonstrated why she could only sell 378 records for MCA. Among my pro plants, only Kristi Lee and Archie did anything worth a damn, and we all know Kristi will probably land in the bottom two tomorrow night anyway...

"And those clever clever amateurs - Syesha channeling Fantasia, and Dreadlock Boy doing Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's "Over the Rainbow; that was smart - he knew that idiot Seacrest couldn't pronounce Izzy's last name so everyone thought Jason was doing something original. That rank amateur Brooke White? Another clever song choice. I hate her.

"This won't happen again," he tells Numbers 2 and 3. "This better not happen again..."