The TV Zone

CNBC's just-concluded 7 p.m. worldwide market wrap.

I'm sitting in front of the TV set, and I am in a panic. There is no Xanax left - I shake the bottle. Empty! CNBC is on. I need a refill. No Lexapro, Cymbalta, Zoloft, Effexor, Prozac, Paxil, Celexa, Valium, Ativan, Klonopin, BuSpar, Remeron either! This is gonna be long day.

This is also gonna be one of those days when you can pretty well determine exactly what the news on TV will be - what people will be talking about, what TV will be talking about, what the lead story of the nightly news shows will be. Anyone tuned, for example, to "Rachael Ray" this morning will be both wise and dumb - wise because they're missing all this, and dumb because they're missing all this. It's gonna bad, people. BAD! The sky isn't falling. It's fallen. Jim Cramer tells me so.

Yes, there's Jim Cramer on the phone to the CNBC studios. What would a panicky day be without Jim? He's talking about the Fed cut ...too little too late..."they shoulda done this three months ago..." Some Wall Street Journal Reporter's on the screen: Cramer's beating up on him because he miscalled something the Fed did a while ago. Jim is always right. But everyone on CNBC is always right. Also: I've never heard anyone on CNBC say, "I don't know." To utter that phrase on CNBC air must be a fireable offense.

I like Cramer. He's a really smart guy and pretty entertaining. But I also worry about the financial advice of a guy who helps Donald Trump fire people on "Celebrity Apprentice." That's just me, though. Some guy named Bob Doll, vice chairman of investment company called Blackrock, tells viewers "to stop listening to us jabber." Is he talking about Jim?

There are important color schemes at CNBC - you know them almost intuitively. Green is good - the color of money, the color of up arrows. Red is bad - the color of less money, the color of down arrows. There's a lot of red on screen today. This is one of those times when I really wish I still had my old black-and-white TV.

Bottom line: Today is the day, no doubt about it, to watch CNBC. It'll be one of the biggest days in the network's history - no doubt about that either - so forget about that yummy sandwich segment on Rachael. This is the place to be. One wonders, though, just about twenty minutes to the opening bell, how much light will be shed versus how much panic sewn. CNBC, as a general rule, is magnificent at reaction and has almost perfect 20/20 hindsight. Its predictive powers, however, are uneven, to put it mildly. But on days like this, it moves markets and changes history. Meanwhile, some sound investment advice: Buy, buy, buy stocks of pharmaceuticals that make anxiety meds.

(And a quickie P.S.: CNBC just announced that it'll air a two-hour special at 7, just in time for the opening of other markets around the world.)