The TV Zone

As Donald Trump continues to make a monumental ass of himself in full public view, I feel compelled to rant on this subject yet again - if for no other reason that there are billion other more important, vital and significant issues in the world and this takes my mind off of them for the time being. I caught some of the Mereith Vieira/DT exchange from this morning's "Today Show" (thank you, TMZ!), and it was the usual babblefest, (though noticed that DT is now reducing his Rosie rips to shorthand.) The whole affair has now officially become the Monster that Ate the Donald: Whereever he goes, someone wants to ask him about Rosie! They are now tied together forever, and I wouldn't be surprised if the Wikipedia entry ("Rosie/Donald;" or, see: "Donald/Rosie") is already on-line. There he is, on his own network, expecting a free and uncluttered plug for Sunday's "Apprentice" premiere, and what does he get from Vieira? Rosie!

Donald, my friend, you have no one to blame but yourself, or - as my dearly departed granny used to tell me before administering a richly deserved whacking - you reap what you sow. What do you expect Vieira to ask about? The weather?

What's somewhat interesting about the Monster that Ate the Donald is the potential impact this will all have on "The Apprentice" - the now anemic "Apprentice," I hasten to add. In a review Friday (one of the nice things about blogs is the ability to shamelessly self-promote), I state that his playground hysteria has undercut his authority in the boardroom. How could it not? Check out this soundbite from Greta Van Susteren's show the other night: "I was at one performance where practically everyone walked out because her mouth is so foul. She's not a very talented person. Interestingly, she failed with her show. You know her show did very poor ratings, she went off the air. She then did a magazine a total catastrophe; I mean a total disaster..."

Donald, think about what you said. "Practically everyone walked out?" If true, that means you endured the entire performance to witness the evacuation. I guess it didn't bother you that much. "Foul mouth?" Yes - like just about every other standup with the exception of Leno/Letterman. "No talent?" She can't sing or dance, but she's indisputably talented at the (admittedly absurd) craft of talk show babble. "Magazine...total catastrophe?" Certainly for Gruner + Jahr and the exec who greenlighted it; but I recall the thing at least had ads, even if it was unreadable.

Here's the thing Trumpster, you need good advice and I'm here to offer - even though you (and no one else) will ever likely read what I'm about to say. Revenge should absolutely be served ice cold, so here's what I'd do: Cancel the rest of the interviews, then call up some chin-stroking heavyweight like Charlie Rose and offer a raft of on-air mea culpas. "I overspoke, Charlie...I want to apologize to Rosie, and everyone else I insulted...It was a mistake...there are bigger problems in the world than this little tiff...etc. blah blah."

Next morning after this interview - guaranteed to hit the front pages of every newspaper in the world - you then quietly call up Barbara Walters. Here's the text of that conversation: "Barbara, we've been friends a long time, but this whole incidence caused me enormous harm - some of it of course self-inflicted. Unless you get rid of Rosie when her contract is up - if not sooner - then that friendship is over, and I will make absolutely certain that anyone I know in the entertainment world, including stars from NBCUniversal, will never appear on 'The View.'"

Barbara will huff and puff, but Rosie's days will effectively be numbered.

Oh Donald, by the way - you're welcome.