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11:11pm: Kanye! It's about time. I've been waiting for him to show up all night.

11:10pm: What a surprise! Britney wins again! She's wearing a similar but different dress.

11:08pm: Kobe Bryant is on stage to present Video of the Year. That earring makes one of his ears look bigger than the other. I wonder if he knows that.

I predict a sweep for Britney. That gives MTV the narrative they want/need. Not to mention, I bet the AP writers really appreciate that.

11:01pm: Kid Rock has a female drummer. That's cool. (I smell a blog post.)

10:58pm: These Drake and Josh kids are introducing Kid Rock. He's doing a preacher revival-style thing. Oh, and then this song that I hate.

10:51pm: Britney wins it again! They are really making it up for last year. Also, both times she's accepted awards tonight, she's said "I'm speechless" and followed it up with a well-rehearsed speech. NPH is not proud any longer.

10:49pm: Russell Brand and LL Cool J make plans to pick out lingerie together. Probably from Sears.

Paris Hilton is an idiot. She's onstage to announce Best Pop Video.

10:43pm: There are 33 more minutes? Yikes. Well, Kanye's got to say something interesting. He lost again. At this point, I think they're doing it on purpose.

10:42pm: AHH! The real Chase Crawford is presenting the audience-voted Best New Artist award with some girl! Tokio Hotel wins. I have heard of them. That is a fantastic wig that guy is wearing.

10:41pm: Is this for real? Russell Brand is apologizing for his Promise Rings comments from before? While referencing R. Kelly peeing on that girl?!

10:40pm: ha ha. That guy looks like he's wearing long johns.

10:37pm: Christina should re-think the wig. I do like the whole robot from the future take on "Genie in a Bottle" that she's doing, though. Interesting.

Is this Christina Aguilera's tribute to her own career? A little weird.

10:36pm: That "High School Musical" kid does look like Chase Crawford.

10:33pm: LL Cool J has a line of Sears apparel. Huh.

10:30pm: Jeez, I am OLD. I just had this thought: They're playing "Take On Me." I wish they were playing that video. What if they had a show where they just played all those old videos? Oh ... they have a whole channel. It's called VH-1 Classics.

10:29pm: Also, that hairstyle she's rocking was totally stolen from Egon of "Ghostbusters."

10:27pm: At the risk of gushing, I really do love Rhianna's personal style. She dresses so differently than everyone else, but totally pulls it off with confidence (and a rocking body). She's like a young Gwen Stefani.

10:23pm: Lil' Wayne wins it with "Lollipop." "Thank God. Thank my family and thank y'all." That's the best and most concise acceptance speech I've ever heard.

Wow, this girl just slammed "sluts."

10:21pm: Apparently, "Nothing's as it seems" is this year's theme.

And it's McLovin'! Rock on with Slipknot, young man!

Oh, yeah. They're presenting Best Hip-hop Video. These songs seem like they've been around forever.

10:20pm: And Pete Wentz is short!

10:19pm: Ashlee is HUGE!

10:17pm: I think this Mary J. Blige commercial was on during the Grammys, or something.

10:13pm: While I have a moment to think: The speeches this year seem very calm and clean-cut. Yes, Russell is pretty filthy, but everything else is so safe from Britney on down. Has MTV outgrown manufactured controversy?

I'm so hungry.

10:11pm: I feel like I should like Pink — we both had short pink hair at the same time, and she does seem fairly intelligent and authentic. But I just think she's kinda boring.

10:10pm: Ha. I like this "Rock Band"/Miley Cyrus thing. Is this a subtle tweak of her Vanity Fair cover controversy?

10:09pm: " 'Transformers' was awesome." Nice, guy.

10:07pm: Best Rock Video:

None of these groups really "rock". Maybe Foo Fighters on a good day.

Anyway, winner: Linkin Park. This is not even a rock song.

10:06pm: Yeah ... Brand is now insinuating that he is going to take the virginity of all the Jonas Brothers.

Slash and Shia LeBeuf, that's quite a pairing.

10:01pm: Yikes. Miley Cyrus is up in eight minutes. I'm a little frightened thinking about what Russell Brand might say. I don't know why I keep referring to him by his full name, but ...

9:56pm: Aw, the kids watching Paramore know all the words and are singing along. This is probably really exciting for them; some of them look first concert age. Hmm ... this also says a lot about the demo that MTV is aiming for these days, i.e., not me. I think I already knew this.

9:55pm: The Twilight kids seemed a little out of sorts. Now we have Paramore. I don't really like them. But I must say, this more traditional awards format is totally working for MTV. Yay, coherency!

9:48pm: As lead Doll speaks, this article is coming to mind.

9:45pm: Lindsey Lohan is also looking clean and healthy. VMA Dance Battle? What the heck is this. But go Fannypack!

I would like to point out, we've had our first official gaffe of the night. Brand announced this as Best Female Video, which was actually the first award.

Best Dancing in a Video: Pussycat Dolls. Great. Those girls are ... shiny.

9:42pm: This is what Michael Phelps should have been wearing. Complete with dreads.

9:40pm: Michael Phelps looks different in clothes. Hmm ... This does not make me look forward to his SNL appearance.

9:37pm: The first bootlegs of the ceremony are popping up on line:

Wow. I don't have time to address this, but we might come back to it. Back from break, we get the last dulcet tones of Katy Perry kissing a girl.

WOW! Dirty Russell Brand just got bleeped! Something about cherry chapstick and his bathing suit area.

9:33pm: Katy Perry is terrible. I don't blame them from cutting away from that performance. Weird though, cause that's something they pimped before last commercial break. That minute count down thing is weird. 14 minutes until Michael Phelps! Ahhhh!

9:32pm: I bet liveblogging really messes with RSS feeds.

9:31pm: Oh, they have a "rock" mode, too.

9:30pm: These kids are pretty innocuous. Or bland, depending on how charitable you're feeling. I like a ukulele, though.

9:28pm: I have no idea who Taylor Swift is, and I only vaguely know Jonas Brothers. I feel old. I like how everything about the VMAs is a "very historical moment." It's the first time these particular people have played in this particular place for this particular awards show. On a Sunday!

9:26pm: Demi Moore is presenting the Best Male Video. She's an odd choice. She's been pretty off the radar recently. Winner: Chris Brown. He's adorable.

Wow. They are keeping these speeches SHORT.

9:25pm: I can't believe Russell Brand just recapped, like, the first 25 minutes of the show. Are we that addled. Though, by far, this year's ceremony is treating its audience much less like it has ADD.

9:20pm: Katy Perry is redoing Madonna's "Like a Virgin"? Didn't we do this five years ago with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera? Is Perry going to kiss Madonna too? Because her song is "I kissed a Girl"? Are we really that out of ideas?

9:18pm: I am officially not recognizing Spencer and Heidi as famous people.

9:18pm: Brand is very political for such a bland network. I'm not sure the crowd is following him.

9:16pm: Best Female Video winner: Britney Spears! Something about this seems a little set up, but I do like that song. She is so not on drugs! She looks so healthy and sounds coherent! Concise and uncontroversial.

9:15pm: Looks like this is on time delay. I believe we just got our first bleeped s-word.

9:14pm: Jaime Foxx is back as a presenter. They have him much earlier in the program this year, but he seems to be just as excited. Maybe less drunk.

Female video "category": it's Mariah vs. Britney.
9:08pm: Monica says: "He's like a circus host" in reference to host Russell Brand. I love him. "I happen to know you don't know who I am. [But rest assured], in the U.K. I am famous." Also, Obama plea. Genius.

9:07pm: I like the "Seven Nation Army" riff there.

9:05pm: Rhianna is wearing a giant wedding cake. Oooh, which may have been a better fashion choice than those boots. They make her thighs look massive, and girl does not have big legs. I still love, well, not her style, but her courage and poise.

9:03pm: This is already a lot less painful than last year.

9:01pm: Those "How I Met Your Mother" acting lessons paid off. Neil Patrick Harris would be proud.

9:00pm: Jonah Hill just called Britney Spears "Brit Brit." This is actually cute.

8:53pm: Apparently sparkles are big on the women this year.

Ashley Tisdale is only one of the young starlets blinding the red carpet. (Getty)

8:45pm: I'm realizing that I should have gotten something to eat. Last year this business was loooooong.