am/fm

11:02pm: Nelly Furtado is doing something Vegas Showgirls-y. It's very low-rent Material Girl. ... and now Justin Timberlake is reprising his FutureSex/Lovesounds act. This show is loooooong.

10:58pm: Apparently something happend with Kid Rock that I totally missed.

10:53pm: Mary J. Blidge gets emotional introducing Dr. Dre. This segment seems to come from a different awards show. One that's actually about music. And aknowledges that music happened in a time earlier than the past year. And, Video of the Year goes to: Rihanna! Good for her. I think they're kind of doing this to Kanye (who is zero for three, for those of you keeping score) on purpose, to provoke him into doing something "wild and crazy."

10:46pm: Miss Teen USA from South Carolina is making the most stilted announcement ever. She's apparently our "favorite girl from the internet." She's not helping her case at all, showing about zero self-awareness as she mocks her own stupidity in a voice that sounds like she's having trouble reading the cue cards.

10:42pm: Jamie Foxx is quite possibly drunk. He's beatboxing and making Jennifer Garner dance. Jennifer looks really uncomfortable. This is pretty awesome. I'd venture it's the best part of the show. Yay for drunken ad libbing.

They're announcing the Best New Group: Gym Class Heroes. There is only drinking and screaming going on as they accept their award. The people attending this show are obviously having a much better time than anyone watching.

10:36pm: Kanye and Common, "Driving Me Wild." OK, I feel a lot better about what's going on. Too bad Lily couldn't be there for her part.

10:33pm: Oh, this medley wants to be 1,000 different songs, each one better than anything actually played tonight.

10:31pm: What the heck did Alicia Keys do to her hair?! I can't wait to see what the Go Fug Yourself girls do with this whole ensemble.

10:30pm: I still don't get how Peter Bjorn and John were nominated. Not that I mind. I'm just puzzled that it happened.

10:21pm: Adrian Grenier is trolling for groupies from the stage. I don't believe for a second that he has any trouble with the ladies. Fall Out Boy wins Best Group. A "three-peat," evidently. I win a greater sense of alienation from my own popular culture.

10:19pm: This is the longest stretch of actual music they've played all night. Why Gym Class Heroes, and not ... well, anyone else? Maybe give Britney a second chance.

10:09pm: I'm trying not to succumb to overwhelming negativity, but there's no reason for me (or, really anyone) to watch this show except to make fun of it. We're more than halfway there.

10:07pm: Pamela Anderson gives a weird intro to a performance by Kanye West that involves a description of tounge kissing in the desert. Pam's intro does, I mean, not Kanye's performance.

10:03pm: Shia LaBeof "lets drop" that the next Indiana Jones flick is going to be "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." That's a pretty damn staged "accidental leak." Fergie freaking wins Best Female Artist. She's not here, so Shia calls ... um ... Ludacris up to the stage to accept. He's not having any part of that, so Shia akwardly accepts the award for Fergie and slinks offstage.

9:55pm: If Justin Timberlake is old ... I can't even complete that sentence. Oooo ... JT just exhorted MTV to play more videos, saying, "We don't want no more ... Simpsons on reality television." He just accepted his award for Best Male Artist from the girls from "The Hills." Snap. Well, actually Timbaland charged on stage to do the handoff, but those useless and inexplicably ubiquitous girls were standing there on stage, anyway.

9:53pm: Found it:

9:45pm: Oh, a tribute to Michael Jackson. Is that appropriate? Do these kids even know who that is?

9:44pm: Aw, Rihanna is performing "Umbrella." She seems like a nice girl. Well, maybe not dancing like that, she doesn't, but when I saw her at the faux press conference, she seemed sweet.

9:40pm: Oh, I like Rosario Dawson. She's here to present Chris Brown. Hmm ... I don't get this show. It's all just like, "Here's some famous people." There's no actual focus to anything. I guess the kids are all on Ritalin these days, so they don't mind the lack of cohesion in their programming. This dancing is pretty cool, though. It looks like they all have noodle legs.

9:32pm: MTV never listens to me and Beyoncé walks away with the Moonman. She's wearing some sort of gold toga. We are precariously close to nipple slippage.

(via Getty Images)

9:31pm: Earth-Shattering collaboration 'Ye and Fiddy present the Earth-Shattering Collaboration award (BTW, I'm over this rivalry; haven't both of their albums already leaked?). I hope Gwen wins. I love her.

9:29pm: In case you missed it, this is a pretty good visual summary of Britney's performance:

(via Getty Images)

9:22pm: As I'm watching Fall Out Boy, I realize I've never watched a television program combatatively before. I am actively in a fight with the MTV VMAs.

9:21pm: Quadruple Threat Award announcement. Another one of the new awards. JT wins! He's thanking me personally! And challenging MTV to, "Play more videos!" Controversial stance, there, Timberlake.

(via Getty Images)

9:19pm: Oh, Bill Hader and Seth Rogen are being painfully unfunny announcing the Viewers Choice Awards. Look what you did, MTV.

9:18pm: People could be less excited to be there. But they'd prolly be dead then.

9:17pm: OK, I just got called out in the comments for the white sunglasses comment. Full disclosure: I wear white sunglasses. But they work on me...

9:09pm: Award time! Monster Single of the Year. If I recall correctly, this is a brand new category. From what I can tell, it's just, "Hey, we like this song alright." Rihanna! "Umbrella"! This song will be in my head at least until they play the next virulently catchy song.

9:08pm: Pete Wentz is speaking, but is mic isn't working. This is the best of all possible ways to present him.

9:07pm: OK, Kanye can do no wrong, but, those big white sunglasses? They're getting close.

9:06pm: I am digging the Mark Ronson CD, so I am happy to hear Roson and the Dap-tone Horns (I think) are the house band. I predict now that the incidental music will be the most enjoyable part of this show.

9:03pm: Sarah Silverman is adding insult to injury with her Spears-slamming monologue. She just said the phrase "hairless vagina," and made a face to demonstrate what that would look like. And it was gross.

9:02pm: The audience looks nonplussed by her performance. If you missed it, look for it up on YouTube.

9:01pm: Does she honestly not know this is the real thing? She's acting like this is the run through. And she's the understudy. I am so disappointed.

9:00pm: It's Britney bitch! She's already tripped over herself twice. Why is she wearing that spangly bikini? The is the least energyI've ever seen anyone project on stage. Aaaand, they cut to wide angle lens.

8:59pm: One minute til my girl goes on! Bad casino metaphors are flying. We're going all in!

8:53pm: John Norris is talking with the Foo Fighters, just minutes before Brit Brit's much awaited performace. Dave Grohl has luscious hair. The Foos and Cee-Lo are teaming up to cover Prince's "Darling Nikki." That actually looks awesome. John Norris looks undead. I hope he makes it through the night.

8:47pm: Ugh. Paris Hilton looks likes she stole some newscaster's hair. "Jackpot or jacknot?" the guy interviewing her wonders aloud about her dress. He goes with jackpot. We go with jacknot.

(via Getty Images)

8:40pm: Kanye looks good in a tux! "It's purely a marketing scheme on my part," 'Ye admits about the 50 rivalry. A-duh! He's said as much before.

8:38pm: I'm a little underwhelmed by the pre-show. I don't really know who any of these kids are ... oh! But I know Luda and Jennifer Hudson! Energy! Everyone seems to be talking about nothing, though.

8:29pm: Pre-show is rolling and the excitement in the newsroom is ... negligable. The girl from the Pussycat Dolls is is performing and almost gives the entire viewing public an upskirt view. Fun. I am pumped.

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