Talk of the Tents

By Mark La Monica

What do you do when 85 percent of your wardrobe is suddenly gone?

That's an interesting question, and one I'm dealing with at the moment after having my car broken into some time Thursday afternoon and the two bags of clothing heisted from my life.

(Relax, Mom. I didn't call you because we both know what would happen: You'd freak out and worry all night about your youngest son in the big, bad city, then break into my apartment, scrounge up some clothes, drive into the city and meet me as Restaurant friend Rob's with a duffel bag full of clothes and fresh meatballs. So, I'm fine and everything is all right.)

But yes, some jabroni shattered the rear passenger window and swiped my garment bag, which happened to be full of garments, and my black Nike travel bag, which was full of clothes I traveled with into Manhattan for the week.

It was a heroin shot of reality after having just come from Fashion Week. Perhaps someone didn't appreciate my blogs from Bryant Park.

No sense in getting upset over it, though. Life must go on, and as Tim Gunn of "Project Runway" would say, "Make it work."

So I dialed the police, then pulled out the digital camera and took some crime scene photos. My camera was in shock. It's used to snapping pics of the beautiful people in the beautiful clothes, not shattered glass and evidence. But it must have enjoyed the change of pace because, finally, the batteries didn't die.

I did a quick Briscoe-esque canvas of the area, but my research turned up no clues other than the shattered glass around my what once was called my rear passenger window.

I'm enthused by the intelligence of the people who straight jacked all my clothes. Clearly, they won't fit the criminals because whoever heard of an XXL street thief?However, if you see anybody walking around in a Billy Batts T-shirt that is clearly two sizes too big for him, please whip out your camera phone and snap the pic. Then email it to me.

Or maybe there is someone out there wearing a black Perry Ellis suit jacket and a pair of navy blue Perry Ellis suit pants. If so, let them know I've got the matching pants and jacket to those suits so they can have two complete suits instead of two busted-up pieces.

The morons could have had a free E-ZPass and a free Bluetooth headset if they just looked. Schmucks. And they were already in the car, so why not just take that, too. Or pop the trunk and realize they left quite a nifty amount of swag in there. What idiots!

At least they had the decency to leave my original 1992 cassette "The Chronic" from Dr. Dre. If that was stolen, I'd have gone Naomi Campbell on someone.