Pet Rock: The Pop Culture Blog

Those pesky French 4x100 freestyle relayers got all American in recent articles about the Olympics: They talked a whole lotta smack.

"The Americans? We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for," said Alain Bernard.

Don't be sure, Al. The difference between talking the talk and walking the walk is night and day.

If my American television coverage is accurate, you just lost to Michael Phelps and the rest of the boys, including Garrett Weber-Gale, Cullen Jones and Jason Lezak. In fact, you entered the pool for the anchor leg in the lead then lost it at the end to Lezak and the U.S. of A.

Eat it, France! Shake 'n bake! These colors don't run, baby!

Oh wait, you got the silver. Second place ain't so bad, right? Just ask Jean Girard.

(AP Photo)

Half-asleep still on Saturday morning, I screamed at the television because two guys I never heard of came in fifth out of five in a rowing preliminary event.

Wide-awake of Saturday afternoon, I pumped a fist or two when some 2008 high school graduate rallied from five points down to win third place in an event that with all its technological advances is the closest we'll ever to get to a real lightsaber fight.

Fully functional on Saturday evening, I got really mad when some tall bald guy and short dude with a goatee, ranked No. 1 in the world, got lost in the sand to some dudes from Latvia. Latvia! They have beaches in Latvia?

The emotional rollercoaster continued Sunday through hoops, gymnastics and swimming. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I off my meds? Do I just have more issues than normal? Why do I care about 64-kg. preliminary bout between some Russian guy and a Spaniard?

Ah, yes, it must be that Olympic bug that's going around. It's a viral strain that strikes my central nervous system every fourth summer. It keeps me awake late at night and wakes me up early in the morning. It makes me care about 84-pound teenage girls throwing themselves through the air. It gives me whiplash when I hear a broadcaster scream "World Record!"

Yes indeed, I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more Olympics (and some cowbell!)

I'm wondering what it is about the Olympics that turns us into extreme nationalists and maniac jingoists for 16 days. It's more than just national pride. I think I need to contact some shrinks about this. "Hey, doc, Mark La Monica from Pet Rock here. Got a few questions about Olympic mentality."

Surely, I could use the cloak of reporting to examine my own issues, right?

P.S. Sign up for mobile alerts of your favorite events at NBCOlympics.com. It's pretty cool stuff. I'm tracking Team USA hoops, Michael Phelps, Dara Torres, Natalie Coughlin (helloooo, huuuuuuuuge Olympic crush!) and some girl on the Jamaican track team that I used to cover back in the days when I was a high school and college sports writer.

P.P.S. Follow all the Olympics with news, results and photos in Newsday's Olympics section.

In honor of the Jets opening training camp today, the Giants opening camp on Friday and the rest of the NFL beginning their seasons this weekend, Top 5 Thursday salutes the best football movies of all-time.

We ranked them based on the enjoyment of watching it the first time, the re-watchability factor, the "Oh damn, [insert movie name here] is on TNT right now, looks like I'm not going anywhere for a while" factor, the quality of the football scenes, the storylines and the staying power of certain scenes.

5) The Longest Yard

We're talking the original one here, of course. Burt Reynolds, sans mustache, is always a sight to behold. Granted, in the remake, at least we get to see Michael Irvin on the field one more time. But it can't compare to the original.

4) "Friday Night Lights"

Just plain awesome in all categories. Huge in re-watchability. Intensely shot football scenes. Good storyline. Not a happy ending, either, which makes it even better.

3) "Any Given Sunday"

Perhaps a controversial placement, but we point to the hilarity of James Woods as the team physician, the awesomeness of Al Pacino's pregame speech toward the end, the sawing in half of Willie Beamen's SUV by LT, and of course, "My name is Willie . . . Willie Beamen."

2) "Varsity Blues"

Ali Larter. Whipped-cream bikini. 'Nuff said. (But we'll say more.) This movie kills in the re-watchability department, and the football scenes are quite good. It also has that campy/endearing quality.

1) "Remember the Titans"

Oh look, it's Denzel Washington playing the righteous man who laughs in the face of adversity and leads the good in triumph over evil. But, damn, he does it so well.

Enjoy some clips below. (NOTE: A few cuss words got through because no one posts TV edits on YouTube. Proceed with caution.)

Honorable Mention: "All the Right Moves," "The Program," "Rudy" and "Necessary Roughness."

(Handout photos from Newsday archives)

Hard to believe there was a time when only girls could admire and respect Justin Timberlake.

Since the NSync thing ended and he went solo, JT has done no wrong.

• He's making hit records, ones that are actually good, not just that sell/download well.

• He's been linked to nearly every hot Hollywood chick there is, and most of them are older.

• He's the only guy we know of to be with Britney Spears in her prime.

• He's getting into the acting thing and he's pretty good at it.

• He's awesome as a host on "Saturday Night Live." (Bring it on in to Omeletville!)

• He impersonated Prince at the Golden Globes when accepting an award on his behalf.

• He introduced Madonna at the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

• He killed as host of the ESPYs on Sunday night.

And now, on Monday morning, comes word that a federal appeals court overturned the $550,000 fine the FCC dropped on CBS for Janet Jackson's famous "wardrobe malfunction."

What does this mean for JT? Well, it means he can rip a girl's clothing off, expose her breasts to the world on national television -- in primetime, no less! -- and all parties walk away scotfree. That is magic powers, my friends.

The old "Anchorman" change the script on the teleprompter never gets old. We do it all the time when filming green screen stuff in the office.

Ernie Jones, one third of TNT's "Inside the NBA" show, did to Charles Barkley recently. And the clip is all over YouTube. Here it is for your enjoyment.

- La Monica

If you're a sports fan, watching One Shining Moment at the end of the NCAA Tournament is a must-do. Doesn't matter if you hate the teams playing or if your team lost in the final.

It's just something you need to do. If you don't get goosebumps while listening to Luther Vandross sing and college players play, then you have no soul.

And with today's technology of TiVos and DVRs, if you watch it less than four times on Monday night, turn your extra Y chromosome in at the door. Watch this year's edition below.

- Mark La Monica

The new "My better is better than you better" commercials and marketing campaign for Nike's Sparq footwear and apparel is pretty cool, don't you think?

Certainly, it's their best campaign since the days of Mars Blackman (Spike Lee) and his "It's gotta be the shoes" slogan when the Air Jordans came out.

Have a look at one of the clips below and then watch the rest at nike.com. And remember, my blog is better than your blog, and my blog is already thinking about the next blog because your blog owes my blog $20.

- Bloggie Von Blog Blog

Roger Clemens sat on Capitol Hill today and said, among other things, that he never took steroids or HGH.

Brian McNamee sat on Capitol Hill today and said, among other things, that Clemens took steroids and HGH.

One of them is lying. Who is it? Who knows!

The real question Pet Rock has is this: How is it possible to both hold and televise congressional hearings of this magnitude with Frank Pentangeli's brother sitting quietly in the front row of the audience?

- Mark La Monica

Reason 31 it's cool to be a pop culturalist: I get to post this video from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot and say "It's part of my job" without getting called into the boss' office.

Go, pop culture, go!

Q: How much longer before I take Neil Best's title for most egregious posting of attractive women?
A: At least another year. He's that good at it.

- Mark La Monica

Reason No. 48 it's cool to be a pop culturalist: I get to post the photo below and say "It's part of my job" without getting called into the boss' office.

(Reason No. 49: I get to be like my Watchdog friend Neil Best and post pictures of hot chicks and then get made fun of for it by Football friend Bob Glauber)

Indeed, it's that time of year, the time when Sports Illustrated illustrates something other than sports. Surely, someone will object to this swimsuit issue as an objectification of women, as they do every year. Anyone else ever notice that the loudest objecters are the ones furthest away from objectification? I'm just saying.

Ain't like this issue is worse than what goes in Maxim, Stuff and all those other mags.

Here's a hint for my readers: Click that pic above and see photos from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit launch party.

Again, I'm just sayin.

- Mark La Monica

We here at Pet Rock are glad we're not advertising executives who have to sit in their board rooms this morning and explain to their bosses and shareholders how and why they wasted at least $3 million on Super Bowl commercials.

Most of them were whack this year. Some were extremely whack this year. Two earned a Pet Rock chuckle (Shaq the jockey for Vitamin Water and Naomi Campbell with the reptiles dancing to "Thriller" for LifeWater). Two earned a full-on Pet Rock laugh (the mouse beating up the guy with the Doritos, and the Bud Light roadies disguised as cheese and bread).

Otherwise, they were more boring than the first three quarters of the game.

There were a few ads that suggested we visit their Web site for more. So I did. Here goes:

Thrillicious.com (SOBE LifeWater): In terms of advancing the cause of the commercial, this one wins. They offered a few more videos that helped tell the story of this commercial. Quite amusing stuff. Here's a company that just earned a new customer, at least for now. Plus, Naomi Campbell is smoking hot. I'm just sayin'.

Mytalkingstain.com (Tide): Don't bother, unless you've already filmed a spoof of a movie scene.

GoDaddy.com: Their marketing gimmick of Danica Patrick's exposure was pretty lame. Here's hoping that Fox nixed the "commercial they wanted to air" because it was dumb, not because it was inappropriate.

Watch all the Super Bowl XLII commercials below, then vote for your favorite.

Remember when you were a kid and your parents subscribed to National Geographic magazine for you? Or when you'd ask your elementary school teacher to go to the library to read it?

Yeah, they all knew what you were doing: You wanted to see the topless ladies. It's cool, no one will rat you out anymore.

Well, here comes the National Geographic Channel's Web site with another awesome reason to check them out. And this time - surprise! - it once again includes people who don't wear shirts.

The show is called Fight Science, a show that analyzes the science behind the strength and techniques of mixed martial artists from the UFC, Special Ops and self-defense. Randy "The Natural" Couture, Tito Ortiz and Bas Rutten are among the UFC fighters in this show, which debuts Sunday, Jan. 27 at 8 p.m.

But it's the online Fight Science game that you really need to peep ASAP.

It's freaking awesome!

The people at the NG's Web site built an amazing online game (and free, too!) where you can test your skills. Everything from force to balance to strength to reflexes. One minute, you're punching a dummy to build up your strength, the next you're sticking your hand out trying to catch the katana sword on the handle instead of the blade. It's very "Miyagi, chopsticks and the fly," and very cool.

Create your own profile and challenge your friends. Or log in as me (UN: petrock; PW: petrock) and let's build an uber fighter to conquer the rest of the Internet world. Help me out on the balance beam thing. It's very "Flash Gordon vs. the Baron played by Tim Daly on that crazy labryinth platform thing with the spikes" and I stink at it. Strange, seeing how much I enjoy that movie still.

Either way, just click here and play.

By Mark La Monica

Like the rest of sporting America, I've heard all the hype of Ultimate Fighting and mixed martial arts and how it's the next big thing, how it's replacing boxing, how it's the most coolest thing ever in the history of cool.

I never bought into it, which as a pop culture blogger, sounds paradoxical. How could I shun "the next big thing among males 18-34?" It's simple, really.

I watched quite a few matches on Spike, whatever they call Channel 3 on Cablevision these days, Pay-Per-View and YouTube, and they all stunk. Just a bunch of clinching and wrapping, with a few punches thrown here and there. Sounds a lot like boxing right now, doesn't it?

But after watching the Roger Huerta-Clay Guida match on Saturday night with Gimpy-knee friend Jitsu, I think I might be able to write this next sentence and believe it. Ultimate Fighting is pretty cool.

Guida reminds of when Ed Gennaro played football. He's a wild man, no, a rampaging beast. Huerta is just as high-energy, but appears more controlled.

These two nutjobs went at it hard for two rounds, with Guida presumably ahead on the scorecards. Then, early in the third round, Huerta caught Guida with a shot to the head, followed it up with more shots, then smacked a choke hold on Guida (MMA's substitute for the WWE's sleeper hold). Just like that, Guida tapped out, lost and became less ultimate than Huerta.

Of course, with a sport such as this, words don't really do it justice. You'll need to watch the match to understand. Peep SpikeTV's Ultimate Fighter site or UFC.com soon. They'll likely have video clips of the fight.

Here's something, though, that can help describe this craze: In an earlier match between Jonathan "War Machine" Koppenhaver and Jared "J-Roc" Rollins, blood flowed like a "Grey's Anatomy" marathon. At the end of the match, Koppenhaver poured a bottle of water over his head and you could see the blood come flowing out of his hair and down his back. Sick. But pretty cool since it wasn't my blood.