Pet Rock: The Pop Culture Blog

Really, what’s the difference between a movie that gets two stars and one that gets two-and-a-half stars? Is that extra half-star going to force you off the couch and into a theater seat?

We doubt it.

Movie trailers are accessible on hundreds of Web sites, as is the ability for readers to rate and review movies. By the time a movie review runs in the newspaper on opening weekend, there has already been tons of information digested online. The question we pose is whether or not the four-star rating system is still valid for readers, regardless of medium.

With sites such as rottentomatoes.com which aggregates movie reviews from across the country, a reader can read dozens of reviews on each movie. Google and other search engines provide a similar service.

So how is a reader to really know how good a movie is when a New York newspaper gives it three stars, a Florida paper gives it two stars, a Texas paper two-and-a-half stars and a California paper gives it one star? Does a reader trust its local reviewer or the one closest to Hollywood and presumably more plugged in to the industry?

Instead of stars, what if movie reviews advised people on what they should do for each movie? It would certainly increase the utility of movie reviews. The guess here is that traditional media outlets will never do this. Magazines such as Entertainment Weekly use a grading system, but again, what’s the real difference between a B and B+? (In this country, C students can become president of a country and A students can’t even find a job.) But here in Pet Rock, we thrive on challenging the norm.

As such, we present the Pet Rock Movie Rating System. Right now, you may scoff at this idea, but one day in the future, we’ll be looked at brilliant visionaries. We'll base all our movie opinions here using this system, starting Wednesday afternoon with "The Hammer."

See in theaters

Translation: It’s worth spending money, be it yours or someone else’s, to sit in a dark room with strangers and be entertained by the moving pictures on the big screen. It’s up to you whether or not that means a matinee or prime-time showing.

Wait for the DVD

Translation: This movie is worth seeing but don’t rush to a theater to for it. If you can’t make it to a showing during its theatrical run, just add it to your Netflix list or rent it from Blockbuster. There’s no harm in being in this category aside from financial for the studio and production company.

Wait for cable

Translation: A simple push of the REC button on your DVR or TiVo remote is all the effort you should put forth to watch this movie. Basically, if you watch this movie, you won’t be mad at yourself, but if you spend drop any amount of Benjamins besides the cost of electricity in your house, you will be mad at yourself.

Don’t waste your time

Translation: Keep your money in your pocket. Cancel your Netflix account if this movie shows up on their recommendation list. Boycott the cable or broadcast network that airs this thing they called a movie.

- Mark La Monica