Pet Rock: The Pop Culture Blog

Have a look at a screengrab from Razzies.com today:

When "Rocky Balboa" hit movie theaters in December 2006, I made sure to get a ticket on that opening Wednesday night (and again two nights later).

I felt I owed it to myself after growing up with Stallone's Rocky character, one of those moral imperatives I suppose. Even after "Rocky V."

I felt the same about "Rambo," the fourth installment of Sly's Vietnam hero turned American mercenary and righter of all the world's wrongs. I didn't make it to opening weekend, though. Had to wait until Monday night.

And now I'd do anything to have waited 60 years to see it. "Rambo" may indeed be the worst movie ever made. (Congrats to John Travolta of "Battlefield Earth" who can now surrender his title to Sly.) It stings to say that. Seriously. I feel like the good guy wrestler who just turned on his tag-team partner and joined the bad guys.

But this "movie" is just plain awful. Painful, even. If I weren't there with Jitsu friend Jitsu, I'd have walked out 30 minutes into the 1:33-long movie. If this movie doesn't earn at least five Razzie nominations next year, then I'm launching a campaign to get the Razzie committee in front of Henry Waxman and the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.

How bad is it? So bad that I will not embed the trailer in this blog. So bad that I apologize to the public for posting the trailer in the past. So bad that I apologize for the Sylvester Stallone trivia quiz I put up on the site last Friday. So bad, I went all "Hollywood Shuffle" and gave the movie the finger when it ended.

The only redeeming quality of "Rambo" is that the female lead, Julie Benz, looks way too much like Journalista friend Lauren that I really thought it was her. And she's a sweet gal, so between the deaths and deathly dialogue, I could at least find some inner peace.

Well, it was either that, or pay attention to all the exploding bodies, unnecessary gore, brutal violence and murdered children.

Maybe that's what it's really like in Burma (Myanmar) these days or in the recent past, I have no clue. Nor do I have an idea of what real combat is like. I'm not pretending that I do.

Nor am I against violence and bloodshed in movies. There's nothing wrong with a good shoot 'em up movie. But "Rambo" was just way too over the top and beyond gratuitous. It was worse than watching bad porn. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

The violence was intense and in your face. The best comparison I can think of is the opening sequence of "Saving Private Ryan" when they storm Normandy Beach.

Even if you're into violence in film, you'll need to check yourself at the door. And don't eat too much beforehand. You might wind up booting all over the seat in front of you when you watch hear bullets pierce through the 100th child's body. The gutting of some bad guys, the ripping out of voiceboxes, the shredding of bodies from mines and bullets don't help matters either. Oh wait, I forgot one thing: the implied sexual assault and gangrape of a few women by a gaggle of Burmese army men.

Keep your money in your pockets this time, folks. And don't even waste any space in your Netflix queue in a few months when this movie becomes available in the summer.

I realize some folks out there may think I should cancel my GQ subscription and return my Y chromosome for bashing "Rambo" like this. And to those folks, I say "Good job wasting $10, schmucko! Smarten' up. "

- Mark La Monica

While there's no "news" that J. Lo has had her twins, everyone's favorite celebrity blogger, Perez Hilton, wrote yesterday that there were rumors she was giving birth here on Long Island!

Then, the Celebrity Baby Blog (yes, sadly that exists), said that J. Lo is NOT giving birth. However, for those of you lovin' on celebrity gossip, Gwen Stefani IS pregnant again.

Confusing, to say the least!

More news to follow... but, in the meantime, why not peruse some J. Lo and Mark Anthony photos or look at pics of the couple starring in a Disney Dream Portrait series.

We dug mad deep into our memory bank this week for Old School Tuesday. The clip is 29 seconds long so you may need/want to watch it 8-12 times.

More Old School Tuesday

- Mark La Monica

Hooray, hooray! The SAG Awards went off as scheduled. After that Golden Globe debacle, we finally get to see famous people accept statues and say thank you!

The real appeal of these award shows, however, are seeing the insane presenter pairings put together by the show's producers. They're meant to illicit a reaction from the people watching at home, and the sought-after reaction is "Wow! What kind of drugs were they doing in that planning meeting when they paired those two together?"

Well, here we go with Pet Rock's 12 presenter pairings we'd like to see at the Oscars (or at any other upcoming award show):

1) Tony Sirico and Miley Cyrus

2) Zac Efron and Busta Rhymes

3) America Ferrara and Diddy

4) Stephen Colbert and Dame Judi Dench

5) Perez Hilton and Danny DeVito

6) Denzel Washington and Ashley Olsen

7) Kevin Dillon and Russell Crowe

8) Alec Baldwin and Lindsay Lohan

9) Eva Longoria and Terry Bradshaw

10) Britney Spears and Barack Obama

11) Kevin Bacon and Andrew "Dice" Clay

12) Amanda Bynes and Burt Reynolds

- Mark La Monica

If you can't laugh at this video, then there is no hope for you in life, much less in embracing the spirit of YouTube Friday.

Thanks for the find, C.

- Mark La Monica

Remember when you were a kid and your parents subscribed to National Geographic magazine for you? Or when you'd ask your elementary school teacher to go to the library to read it?

Yeah, they all knew what you were doing: You wanted to see the topless ladies. It's cool, no one will rat you out anymore.

Well, here comes the National Geographic Channel's Web site with another awesome reason to check them out. And this time - surprise! - it once again includes people who don't wear shirts.

The show is called Fight Science, a show that analyzes the science behind the strength and techniques of mixed martial artists from the UFC, Special Ops and self-defense. Randy "The Natural" Couture, Tito Ortiz and Bas Rutten are among the UFC fighters in this show, which debuts Sunday, Jan. 27 at 8 p.m.

But it's the online Fight Science game that you really need to peep ASAP.

It's freaking awesome!

The people at the NG's Web site built an amazing online game (and free, too!) where you can test your skills. Everything from force to balance to strength to reflexes. One minute, you're punching a dummy to build up your strength, the next you're sticking your hand out trying to catch the katana sword on the handle instead of the blade. It's very "Miyagi, chopsticks and the fly," and very cool.

Create your own profile and challenge your friends. Or log in as me (UN: petrock; PW: petrock) and let's build an uber fighter to conquer the rest of the Internet world. Help me out on the balance beam thing. It's very "Flash Gordon vs. the Baron played by Tim Daly on that crazy labryinth platform thing with the spikes" and I stink at it. Strange, seeing how much I enjoy that movie still.

Either way, just click here and play.

Gotta love when actors and other famous people make fun of Tom Cruise, instead of just late-night talk show hosts and you and your friends.

Jerry O'Connell delivers this gem on Funnyordie.com. Props to Journalista friend Lauren for the link.

"Michael Clayton" received five Oscar nods on Tuesday, including Best Picture and a first Best Actor nomination for George Clooney. Pretty good stuff.

It would be safe now to call this movie a success, critically. Financially, it made a nice profit, which in the movie business, deems it a huge success. According to boxofficemojo.com, "Clayton" raked in $39,343,460 since its Oct. 5 opening. (Warner Brothers is re-releasing it Jan. 25 on 1,000 screens nationwide.)

Made for a reported $21.4 million, that's a nifty profit in the WB coffers.

Deemed a critical and financial success, what does this mean in terms of humans? Based on an average ticket price of $10, it means that 3,934,346 people saw the movie. Or, roughly, 1.3 percent of the U.S. population (using 300 million as the population figure).

So when a movie hits that magical $100 million domestic gross, that means 3 percent of America saw it. That's a pretty crazy way to think about movie success, huh?

Nominations for the 2008 Academy Awards came out Tuesday morning. In keeping with that theme of award-winning film, Old School Tuesday digs deep into the archive for this cinematic masterpiece.

Yes, we know "Teen Wolf" didn't win an Oscar, but seriously, who's was on the committee that year? Someone call Ernst & Young, or whoever audits the voting.

And given the international nature of film these days, we dug up the Spanish dub version instead.

- Mark La Monica

OK, well, maybe it's more like Paris Hilton is in this movie that has a script and a budget and more than camera and other people acting in it.

We'll have to wait until the Feb. 8 release, unless you can score premiere tickets to "The Hottie and the Nottie."

In the meantime, enjoy the trailer below.

- Mark La Monica

One minute, best friends Street and Riggins are living it up in Mexico with a late assist from Lyla, and the next minute, Lyla is dating Street but sleeping with Riggins.

What the heck is going on in Dillon, Texas?

This is what happens when you get hooked on a show in its second season then spend the rest of the week trying to catch up on the first season. Let this be a lesson to all: Don't cross the TV season streams!

Back in September, I set my DVR to record the second season of "Friday Night Lights," figuring that it would give me something to do if and when all my other shows went off the air because of the writers' strike.

In December, I started watching the show. Within the first 30 minutes of the first episode, I was hooked. Once I caught up on Season 2, I decided to get completely caught up with the Dillon Panthers. Enter Netflix and Season 1 on DVD. Bad move!

Now, as I watch one from Column B on the weekend and then a few from Column A on other days, I have no clue what is happening. Why are Matt and Julie dating when they already broke up? How is it that Landry bedded Tyra when the two of them have yet to say anything to one another? Why is UT calling Coach Taylor when he already left TMU to return to Dillon? The Panthers are defending state champs but were on the brink of playoff elimination?

Let this be a lesson: Wait until one season of a show is completely over before watching previous seasons. Otherwise, you will go crazier than Michael J. Fox when he used different-colored boutaniers to help remember which girl he was with at the time when he had two dates to the same prom.

- Mark La Monica

Man Rule No. 17: When you score an invite to a Ford Supermodel of World fashion show and afterparty and you don't go, turn in your Mach III razor and cancel your GQ and Maxim subscriptions because your manhood privileges have just been revoked.

So when Fashion friend Anne passed her invite in my direction, the only issue was whether or not traffic on the L.I.E. would prevent me from getting there on time. I drove the 40-something miles to Terminal 5 on the West Side like I live my life a quarter-mile at a time.

Ford runs this annual global search to find the next supermodel. The show is actually pretty interesting, as all 49 women stand on stage and then parade themselves down the runway one at a time. It's very "Deal or No Deal" just without the cases of money. As a veteran of more than 100 fashion shows, I can say this one was pretty cool, even though I'll never understand why these models never smile when they walk. I get that it's what they're told to do, but c'mon, you're wearing clothes few people can afford, you're all dolled up and every camera lens and human is fixated on you. Smile, damn it. Enjoy it.

(OK, I just put the soapbox away.)

The 49 women represented 48 countries and one MySpace. As Jules Whitfield would say, "MySpace ain't country I ever heard of. They speak English in MySpace?"

While people debated who would win, I debated where to sit. I had a seat in the third row, but it would be difficult to shoot decent photos from that position. The other option was to fight my way into and around the photographers' pit to get a good spot. Hmmm, grapple with the other media types with bigger cameras and tripods, or sit among the beautiful people and go all Kanye West and live the good life?

Well, let me just say this:

Like we always do at this time
I go for mine
I got to shine
Now throw your hands up in the sky
Now I, I go for mine
I got to shine
Now throw your hands up in the sky

Besides, in the photographers' pit, you can't go up to David Wright and suggest that any advice he receives at a fashion show about how to hit a curveball should be ignored. P.S. His lady friend, Molly Beers, was the best-looking gal in the place.

Chillin' in the third row with the Rainmaker, making his maiden voyage through the strange world of fashion, we watched as 49 young ladies took their biggest steps yet toward the fame and the fortune and the glamour and the glitz.

One girl stumbled a bit, then regained her composure. You could see her thoughts even clearer than her clothes, though, as it happened: "Damn! I just lost 250,000 bucks. Oh well, I might as well keep walking."

In case you needed a another reason to understand why I'll never be a guest judge on "Project Runway," here it is: I guessed the girl from Argentina, Valeria Pividori (pictured), and the girl from the Caribbean, Cathy Daniel, would battle it out for the big prize.

Nope. Not even close. They didn't even land one of the $50,000 or $100,000 runner-up contracts from Ford or co-sponsor Maybelline. Miss Argentina, I am crying for you. You got hosed. (Seung-hyun Kang of Korea View image
won the big quarter-million-dollar deal).

The only thing that comforted my pain in seeing my Argentinian dreamgirl disappointed was when the girl from Peru, Nicole Faveren Vasquez, won the first $100,000 contract. They announced her name and everyone clapped. Only one problem with that: Vasquez doesn't speak or understand English. Oopsies. Funny stuff. Watch the video at the top of this blog post and you'll see.

I've long contended that the KFC biscuit is the best single item in fast food history. Now comes "news" that Hollywood may be joining in support of my theory.

Lauren Conrad, our fave gal on "The Hills," recently parted ways with Teen Vogue and also moved into some fancy pants home in the flats just off Sunset Boulevard.

Right down the road from the reported new home of LC is a KFC and a Blockbuster. Hello, marketing and PR fun! Line up and let's go to work on some cool stunts.

To quote Guru in the '90s rap song "Dwyck" (best rap song of all time, by the way), "Lemonade was a popular drink and in still is; I get more props and stunts than Bruce Willis."

And so it is, as this morning I received an email from a KFC rep with this little gem:

"In the spirit of Southern Hospitality, KFC has sent Conrad an offer to cater her housewarming party and, because of the recent Teen Vogue news and her experience with fashion designing, we're inviting her to design one of our Retro T-shirts that benefit Colonel Scholars, a charity providing deserving students with much needed college scholarships."

No word on if she's accepted the offer. But, you gotta love that move. Hey KFC, get me on that guest list! Or, maybe just send me some biscuits and an LC T-shirt.

It's been two weeks and a day since I heard this '80s classic on the moving sidewalk heading into the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas and I haven't stopped laughing.

Normally, I would walk along with the moving sidewalk, but when Rick Astley is pumping on public speakers, well, all we can do as humans is soak in the moment.

Once I gained my composure, I said aloud, "Hello, Old School Tuesday!" Voila! I can't wait to practice the one (and only one) dance move he does in this video. Once I nail it, I'm never gonna give it up. It could replace the guido fist pump. OK, well maybe not.

- Mark La Monica

You should check this out too when you get a chance.

Read past editions of Old School Tuesday

Just in case you were wondering what it's like to be famous, here's a little taste. I'm not saying this is the sole reason for the download spiral of Britney Spears, but it certainly doesn't make matters easier.

Imagine 43 million paparazzi swarming you the next time you do something so controversial as buy Q-tips or shampoo at Rite-Aid. Oh the scandal!

I understand the price of fame, but this is a bit ridiculous. I'm not going all Chris Crocker here, but I did appreciate Brit saving a few bucks by shopping at DSW Shoes.

And my posting of this video doesn't help matters in terms of stopping this sort of thing, but it does give you some insight into what they deal with. So, the next time you pick your nose at your desk, be thankful 25 cameras don't light up.

- Mark La Monica

Jan. 22 Blogger's note: This video from our peoples at Zap2it.com has since expired. If you're here from search engines or various scrolling within Pet Rock, we appreciate it and apologize you missed it. Rest assured, there will be more.

Here's a little anecdote from this morning to let you know that the power of music still shoots to the soul of a person, no matter how much record sales decline each year in this digital age.

I woke up early this morning, did some banking (in an actual bank!), ran some errands and topped it off with a croissant and a XXX vitamin water (my answer to coffee). It was quite the typical (and awful) start to a grownup week. Hello, rat race! Where do I throw up?

The next step might as well have been to go to a Ford dealership, buy a certified pre-owned Taurus and admit my dreams in life are dead.

Then, on the way to the actual office, my life hastily approaching the intersection of Lemming Boulevard and Automaton Avenue, KTU saved my week. They played 80s pop hit "I Wanna Have Some Fun" by Samantha Fox.

Samantha Fox?

Samantha Fox!

All seemed right again. Not so much because the song is good or because I used to have a Samantha Fox poster in my room when I was a kid (next to a poster of Alyssa Milano, I'm just sayin). But rather, it was because there's not a more random song from childhood you could play. It turned my whole day around.

Here's the video just to get you going today.

And when the iPod started on a fresh set of shuffle for the unconventional long walk from the car to my desk to blog this story, it spit out "Heartbreaker" by Color Me Badd.

Argue all you want about the merits of allowing an iPod to contain Color Me Badd songs, but at least my Monday wasn't completely destroyed by the rat race. Music can alter any mood quicker, cheaper and healthier than any other substance on earth.

- Mark La Monica

Will Ferrell made some good movies. Same goes for Vince Vaughn.

Note the past tense used in that sentence.

Now, it seems that most movies they make are the exact same except for the title. So when Print friend Clarke told me to watch the trailer for "Semi-Pro," I snarled a bit. It's a Will Ferrell movie, so it's the same thing. Right?

Wrong, provided you watch the age-restricted version of the trailer. That one gives us hope that this new movie isn't just "Semi-Pro: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, aka Ricky Bobby, aka '70s Basketball Star."

Of course, we can't show you that one here, just the all age-range trailer below. But if you're over 18, you can find it here.

- Mark La Monica

Awwwww, yeah!

It's Friday. It's Pet Rock. It's YouTube time!

We checked in with our pals at Deck of Jack again, and in honor of the 14-day countdown to the new "Rambo" flick, we've got a little Stallone-themed treat for this week.

If this doesn't get you ready for the weekend, at the very least it may make you want to hug someone in the ocean soon.

- Mark La Monica

That's right ladies, get jealous. Here I am with Mr. Patrick "McDreamy" Dempsey himself on the day of our lovely nuptials. He's carrying the bouquet and making that sexy smirk, I'm looking dazed and slightly annoyed. Sounds about right.

Psych! We totally didn't get married. Want a similar pic for yourself, or better yet, a co-worker? Just click HERE and enjoy.

And watch the 'Made of Honor' trailer, premiering this summer, below.

- Anne Machalinski

What'cha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?!?

I was a Hulkamaniac back in the day, though he ran a distant second to the "Macho Man" Randy Savage in my book. I followed the three demandments: I said my prayers, ate my vitamins and trained hard.

So when the Hulkster speaks now, I'm obliged to listen. Here he is on CW11 talking about his stint as host of the new "American Gladiators."

- Mark La Monica

So, this Mr. Blackwell dude claims that Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice, was the worst dressed woman in 2007.

"Forget the fashion spice, wearing a skirt would suffice! In one skinny-mini monstrosity after another, pouty posh can really wreck-em," he said in a statement.

I don't know what any of that means, but here's my question: Who really cares about this? Omigod, some fashion chica wears clothes that some old man doesn't like. Stop the presses! Throw away your Spice Girls CDs. Trade David Beckham in your fantasy soccer leagues. The world is going to end.

Is he judging Victoria "That is May-jah" Beckham based on the clothes she wears as a member of the Spice Girls, a pop music group in an industry that is based entirely on selling a fantasy image? Or is he judging her based on her clothing choices as a mother of three? Either way, why do we care? Will this stop us from looking at photos of her and the other celebs on the list? Will this prevent us from watching their movies or listening to their music? No.

Seriously, why do we in the media keep presenting this information? I'm all for frivolous bits of entertainment news to get me through the day, but at least I can derive some perceived value from those little "[Insert famous celeb name here] is pregnant/engaged/married/divorced" stories.

I'm so mad at myself right now for even complaining about this Blackwell thing and giving this guy more pub. Someone take away my Internet for two days, please.

We dug mad deep into the brain archives for this week's edition of Old School Tuesday. And seeing how we missed last week (hey, it was New Year's Day, a day of vacation and recuperation), we're coming back hard again with this double feature.

Looking back on this film, I wonder what they were thinking then. Of course, I also wonder what Architect friend Aki is thinking now. Then again, this was also before "The Last Dragon" when Sho'Nuff was the baddest man in town, so all bets are off when it comes to categorizing this film.

Any way, enjoy the trip back to a time when The Warriors ruled the land. We'll begin with the trailer and follow it with the most memorable scene from the movie's denouement.

More Old School Tuesday

- Mark La Monica

Over the weekend, somewhere in between the DayQuil / NyQuil Cycle of Doom, I caught an airing of "Lethal Weapon" on one of the 47 HBO channels.

There's a scene in there that had me laughing at the old school technology. Danny Glover is on a bridge talking to the police psychologist about his new partner, Martin Riggs, played by Mel Gibson. To do this, he's using the world's largest cell phone. It's a giant box, with a real-size phone connected to it with a an actual cord. And then there's that monster antenna!

It's just funny to see movies now, where villians can control the entire world from a phone the size of an iPod shuffle. But back in the day, 1987 to be precise, this was considered bad-ass technology.

Watch the original trailer and pay attention around the :53 mark. You'll see the phone. You'll laugh.

- Mark La Monica

I'm a sucker for celebrity birthdays. Not really sure why, but I am.

Somewhere between the day they started printing them in the newspaper and the day I learned how to read, I was hooked.

In glancing at an advance copy of this Sunday's entertainment section of the newspaper, I stumbled upon the knowledge that on Jan. 6, 2008, actor Danny Pintauro turns 32. Just in case you have no clue who that is, here's the full listing as it appears in the paper:

Actor Danny Pintauro ("Who's the Boss?"), 32.

According to IMDB.com, Pintauro hasn't done any TV or film work since "Who's the Boss?" ended in 1992, save for a small bit in the 2007 independent film "The Still Life."

According to the official Danny Pintauro fan site (yes, there's an official Danny Pintauro fan site), he's done some off-broadway theater in the time since he stopped sharing a home with Samantha Miceli.

So here's my question: When does celebrity status expire? Is there no shelf-life to when people stop caring who you are, what you do or when you were born? Is there some kind of renewal form they fill out and pay dues to stay in the public eye?

- Mark La Monica

Photo from Wikipedia.org

In the latest rung on her downward spiral toward Hades' waiting room (seriously, how many more rungs can there be?), Britney Spears had the coppers come to her crib and swipe her kids after a three-hour custody battle.

The coppers say she "appeared to be under the influence of an unknown substance."

What else is unknown is the later-on-in-life effects all these Britney fiascos/tabloid fodder will have on her kids.

What else is unknown is whose kids will be more screwed up in life: Britney's or Michael Jackson's. It's a tough call, so we'll leave it up to you to vote.

- Mark La Monica

This has nothing to do with our political beliefs, but rather our belief that just about everything in life can have a funny angle, at least for a few minute. Go go, Obama girl!